tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-222585032024-03-23T13:23:28.415-05:00All about Baby DrewOriginally a blog to update friends and family on the condition of our son, Raymond "Drew" Lewallen (born March 8, 2006), who was diagnosed with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH) at 18 weeks gestation. Drew passed away on April 16, 2006; he was 5 weeks and 4 days old. It has since morphed into the blog of a mother dealing with the death of her son and bragging about her other 2 children.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.comBlogger248125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-52649448492210073502009-04-16T00:00:00.001-05:002009-04-16T00:02:08.152-05:00I miss you, Drewon this 3rd anniversary of your death. And it still hurts more than anything.<br /><br />I love you my Buddy Boy and think of you every single day. I miss you so very much.<br /><br />3 long years...Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-1149900887393422932009-04-01T20:54:00.000-05:002009-03-31T20:05:50.214-05:00Our Buddy Boy<embed src="http://www.onetruemedia.com/share_view_player?p=8c2796a65b94e89aa6512" quality="high" scale="noscale" width="350" height="328" wmode="transparent" name="FLVPlayer" salign="LT" flashvars="&p=8c2796a65b94e89aa6512&skin_id=0&host=http://www.onetruemedia.com" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed><div style="text-align:center;width:350px">Create your own video at <a href="http://www.onetruemedia.com/?&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=embed" target="_blank" >One True Media</a></div><br /><br />Press play to view Drew's slideshow with music. It has been recently (October 2007) updated. The music is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne, "Far Away" by Nickelback and "Nighty-Night" by Disney Lullabies (playing when Drew's casket was sealed).<br /><br />Just want to keep this at the top. To see new posts, just scroll down a little bit. :)Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-3382229728328114552009-03-31T20:04:00.002-05:002009-03-31T20:05:25.023-05:00Blogging againI am occasionally blogging again at <a href="http://myfunfrazzledlife.blogspot.com" target="_blank">My Fun, Frazzled Life</a> so check it out if you get a chance. The tone tends to be very different from this one about my Drew.<br /><br />JanaJanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-75889449671000881132008-03-26T22:52:00.001-05:002008-03-26T22:54:04.459-05:00March for Babies - IMPORTANT!!One more post for a good cause.<br /><br />As most of you know, Raymond and I lost our first son Drew to a condition known as congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH).<br /><br />Now that I don't have a baby in the NICU, am not pregnant and have not just given birth (:D), I can walk in the March of Dimes March for Babies. Raymond, the kids, some other family/friends, and I will be walking in memory of Drew on April 26.<br /><br />Please consider donating; all proceeds benefit the March of Dimes and they do so much good for babies. You can donate by clicking on the following link.<br /><br />Thank you!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?SeId=517159&si=" target="_blank">A Rainbow for Drew</a>Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-8964333988175583952008-02-18T21:16:00.002-06:002008-02-18T21:25:03.659-06:00This is how it ends.I am going to discontinue posting in this blog. I will not blog--I cannot say if that's just temporary or permenant--here or anywhere else. There are a couple of reasons for me doing this:<br /><br />1. As I move on in my grief over losing Drew, I feel that this, which has been my place to pour out emotions that one would not see from me on a daily basis, is counterproductive. (What a run-on sentence, huh?) I am on a path of healing and don't feel that I can take the next step if I continue to dwell on things here;<br /><br />2. I am afraid that I may inadvertently (sp?) reveal some things going on in my life at the moment that others do not wish revealed. I don't want to make an already difficult situation even worse.<br /><br />So there you have it. I want to thank all of you that have followed Drew's story, offered your support and grieved with me. It means more to me than you can ever possibly know. <br /><br />If you wish to keep in touch, I can be reached at janalyn @ sbcglobal . net (no spaces, of course--I get enough spam as it is). I can't promise to be a faithful "e-mail pal" because I'm bad about reading stuff and then forgetting to reply later but I can promise to try. <a href="http://www.arainbowofhope.com" target="_blank">A Rainbow of Hope</a> will continue to be operational in memory of sweet little Drew.<br /><br />Thanks for the ride, it's been healing.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-5263156200491304602008-02-16T22:29:00.003-06:002008-02-16T22:32:15.650-06:00So...Things have not been going well in my life for a while now. It is what it is and I'm going to counseling (with a therapist and a life coach) to try and get back on track. I don't know how well it's working but it's costing a lot of money. *sigh* <br /><br />One thing that HAS gone right is that I received something very important to me on Valentine's Day. The Proclamation from Oklahoma's Governor Brad Henry arrived at my door. March 31, 2008, is officially Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Day in the state of Oklahoma. I'll post pictures later.<br /><br />My friend Lisa received the same for the state of Tennessee. Yay!! Pics of that to come too.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-12072786445077443002008-02-06T10:02:00.000-06:002008-02-06T10:14:45.403-06:00Drew's graveMonday I went to go get Elizabeth from her grandparents house. We got back to Edmond right around sunset and the cemetery is on the way home so I decided to stop and check on Drew's grave.<br /><br />It was beautiful--the sunsets out here are amazing, shades of pink, blue and gold. There was a ray of sun falling on Drew's headstone lighting it up. It was as if he knew that we were coming by to visit him. It was truly beautiful and peaceful and serene.<br /><br />I rearranged his "things" (angels, dinosaurs, you know the stuff family brings for him and leaves) and noticed a new item. It is a ladybug magnet. I don't know where it came from, who left it. I know that Raymond and I did not. Whoever left it must know about my love of ladybug's. I would love to know who brought it by (hint, hint!).<br /><br />It was just a very nice visit. There was no crying and while I felt sadness, I felt peacefulness more than anything. I am healing from his death. I am happy much more often than I am sad; I wish that others could see this in me. I don't cry as much anymore. I am able to remember him fondly more than remember his ordeal. <br /><br />It sometimes feels like a betrayal to be "moving on" but it's natural and necessary. I am able to smile when I look at his pictures now. I am on my way to accepting what happened and realizing that it was not my fault and that I could not save him, no matter how much I wanted to do so. In his short life he was loved beyond measure and he knew that. That's all I need to know to feel better about the situation.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-78656311463073518322008-02-04T23:53:00.000-06:002008-02-04T23:59:01.051-06:00LalalalaSo it seems as if the nickname that Elizabeth has given Carson is the one that is going to stick. I don't know where she came up with it or why she came up with it but he is henceforth known as......Chuckies. Yes, Chuckies. I have a really hard time not imagining the doll from the "Child's Play" movies but oh well. He responds to it.<br /><br />He now has 2 teeth barely poking through and is an absolute monster. It must be really hurting him because he's acting so out-of-sorts. He doesn't feel well either (sinus drainage). Poor little guy. He did get a kick out of Grammy and Papa's phesants today, though.<br /><br />Elizabeth is just Elizabeth--crazy as ever! Not much else to say for now.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-46627538738781185422008-02-01T21:15:00.000-06:002008-02-01T21:17:22.700-06:00Woo-hoo!We FINALLY have the tip of a tooth poking through! At 9.5 months, just like his sister. Now maybe the crankiness will diminish somewhat.<br /><br />I did something today that I don't ever recall doing, or if I have, it was so long ago that I don't remember. I woke R. up early this morning and asked him to work at home. C. and I were both up throwing up all night. C. had been sick the night before too. E. had been sick last weekend, walking into the living room and just puking as she walked. Fun times around here, let me tell you.<br /><br />I'll write more when I'm feeling better but I'm just so excited about the tooth!!Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-72416669431935438742008-01-31T21:05:00.001-06:002008-01-31T21:06:55.726-06:00Just a noteSome of you may have noticed that I deleted a blog entry. I apologize; it's not something that I've ever done before. I felt that it was best if I did so out of respect for my family and to avoid a fight. You didn't miss much, just me ranting about stuff again.<br /><br />I just wanted to throw that out there and let you know that I did read the comments.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-13064820257928247472008-01-24T00:41:00.000-06:002008-01-24T00:56:18.393-06:00Proud Mommy!First of all, thank you for the book recommendations. I'll be adding all of them to my reading list and keep 'em coming! I knew that I could count on you guys to help me out!<br /><br />Now for my proud mommy moment. When Elizabeth was 9 months old, this photo<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/capri3.jpg"><br /><br />was put out in the studio where I have the kids portraits taken. Very few kids get this opportunity but my girlie did.<br /><br />So last weekend, I took Carson for his 9 month shots and now HE'S going to be in the studio!! Validation that my kids are freaking beautiful; it feels so good! I'm not sure what shot they're going to use yet, but it will probably be one of these:<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/9310daea-c6ce-11dc-b617-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/b0b79a5c-c6cd-11dc-b617-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/b0d44a1d-c6cd-11dc-b617-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/b0fcb9ae-c6cd-11dc-b617-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/b1b92be1-c6cd-11dc-b617-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/b1df5182-c6cd-11dc-b617-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/b09b11ab-c6cd-11dc-b617-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br />How strange is it that they were both chosen to be displayed at 9 months?<br /><br />Like my little Rock Star? Everyone at the mall seemed to! At least 150 people, including sullen teenagers, commented on his hair and how awesome it was. Little boys are so much fun!Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-56905812385181845802008-01-18T23:04:00.000-06:002008-01-18T23:23:07.534-06:00SorrySorry that I haven't updated in a while. Lots of things have been going on around our household, some good, some bad. Mostly bad but maybe some good can come out of it. I know that I'm being cryptic but that's just how it's going to be.<br /><br />I've been in a pretty depressive state lately. It's really starting to hit home just how much Drew's death has affected our family and our futures. I have so much on my mind but I don't want to write about it so I'm going to grace you with some passages of a couple of books that I read over the holidays. I've been doing a lot of reading, more than usual. <br /><br />I'm running out of books that interest me so if you have any suggestions, please feel free to post them in the comments. I'll read any genre.<br />---------<br />Title: For One More Day<br />Author: Mitch Albom<br /><br />"'When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.'" (p. 145)<br /><br />"I saw in her expression that old, unmistakable mountain of concern. And I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know." (p. 174)<br />--------<br />Title: The Christmas Box Collection (The Christmas Box, Timepiece and The Letter)<br />Author: Richard Paul Evans<br /><br />"'There are things I do not understand about my pain, Catherine. If I had to choose never to have known Andrea or to have known her for one brief moment, I would have chosen to have known her and considered myself fortunate.'" (p. 255)<br /><br />"'...Our lives! My memories! My pain! It is all so selfish! One would think that it is I who had died! Am I so consumed with myself and my own agony that I do not even know if I am mourning for what my little girl has lost...Or...or what I have lost?'" (p. 256)<br /><br />"That some things, like a parent's love, do last forever in a time and place where all broken hearts will forever be made whole. And if, in the silent vastness of a mysterious universe, or in the quietness of men's hearts, there is such a place as heaven, then it coudn't be anything more than that." (p. 284)Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-83213984836172046632008-01-10T20:30:00.001-06:002008-01-10T20:39:09.349-06:00An ongoing listHere starts a list of things that I'll never get to do with Drew. Things that I love and things that the kids love also.<br /><br />1. Hold him, kiss his tears away, squeeze him, cuddle with him in front of the fireplace, etc.<br /><br />2. Dance around the living room with him and singing to him. This is one of both kids favorite things...and mine as well. We do it daily.<br /><br />3. Watch the sunset, oohing and aahing over the pretty colors. One of Elizabeth's things.<br /><br />4. Laughing with him over silly stuff.<br /><br />5. The "ah-choo" game (a Mommy made up game that the kids love).<br /><br />6. Disciplining him for not listening, getting into things that he shouldn't, etc. I'd give anything to be able to discipline him. Strange, but true.<br /><br />7. Watching his face as the wind hits it and takes his breath away. One that Carson is reminding me of daily.<br /><br />8. Taking him for his monthly professional photographs (for the first year).<br /><br />9. Holding his little hands as he takes his first steps.<br /><br />10. Smelling his sweet baby head and tickling his chubby little thighs.<br /><br />That's enough for today. You never realize just how much you are missing out on when your child dies until you examine what you do on a daily basis.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-82617985543649779302008-01-01T12:00:00.000-06:002008-01-01T00:01:14.489-06:00YeahHappy freaking new year. Another year ushered in without my baby boy. I just can't get happy about this stuff anymore. I'm numb--sitting at home drinking a beer, crying and thinking about Drew. I'm pathetic but events like this bring home just how much our family is missing.<br /><br />My thoughts are with all of my other friends who have lost a family member too. Cheers.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-85697487570597595392007-12-26T22:33:00.000-06:002007-12-26T22:51:14.387-06:00Family picturesSo here are the family pictures that I was writing about the other day. Not the best in the world since we were all feeling sickly but they'll do.<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/720361f9-afe8-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/71e46848-afe8-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/7243c65b-afe8-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/3f01b742-afe9-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/72973d8d-afe8-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br />And a more candid shot:<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/family_Layer1.jpg">Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-89129267438892988882007-12-25T01:05:00.000-06:002007-12-25T01:09:59.670-06:00From our family to yours...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS6qvYDTf8OE1L94FTJmr_qjhGiATRAG5px8kEcwlcN5ePirk57RXxynnyKyKywsCoa8P4frAshtJyp3CX2iKsQUaWplkGTqoy7eRa6kH96ruOpPEfAp2tpheJni0q2lHvjwqc/s1600-h/cardfront_Layer+1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS6qvYDTf8OE1L94FTJmr_qjhGiATRAG5px8kEcwlcN5ePirk57RXxynnyKyKywsCoa8P4frAshtJyp3CX2iKsQUaWplkGTqoy7eRa6kH96ruOpPEfAp2tpheJni0q2lHvjwqc/s320/cardfront_Layer+1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147804272703087922" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA04n-50ykIuIJU9TB3kKnaijByM2CBkW3v9rk9zTr_lI_IenUxsOZ3m3EpDfav6Ww10BOjaRt4Hj8RGB4VPxYqualSeCCQB5oTY2UyxNA3dZLSnvNCq_OcyFTHpslrIFHg6QM/s1600-h/cardback_Layer+1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA04n-50ykIuIJU9TB3kKnaijByM2CBkW3v9rk9zTr_lI_IenUxsOZ3m3EpDfav6Ww10BOjaRt4Hj8RGB4VPxYqualSeCCQB5oTY2UyxNA3dZLSnvNCq_OcyFTHpslrIFHg6QM/s320/cardback_Layer+1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147804272703087938" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnq-0lz9UMytd7bC87vvtLyl2SCE8Z9iezSnNg0Isv7YMB8465x4fe5roIknAWhAfBGvczP38I0CI7K_Y4efBECBLsasigGfCaXzcsYN2PZHSVux6D7vjeHEYrBId2zRs-saXB/s1600-h/Santa_Layer+1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnq-0lz9UMytd7bC87vvtLyl2SCE8Z9iezSnNg0Isv7YMB8465x4fe5roIknAWhAfBGvczP38I0CI7K_Y4efBECBLsasigGfCaXzcsYN2PZHSVux6D7vjeHEYrBId2zRs-saXB/s320/Santa_Layer+1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147804276998055250" border="0" /></a>Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-40009058929930513852007-12-22T23:08:00.001-06:002007-12-22T23:10:26.775-06:008 months oldMy boy is 8 months old and here are the pictures to prove it! He wasn't feeling well but we got a few good ones.<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/9255064e-ae4e-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/927b2bef-ae4e-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/918a3c39-ae4e-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/91b2d2da-ae4e-11dc-84d3-0015172f3bd.jpg">Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-64395308554526978272007-12-22T00:02:00.000-06:002007-12-22T00:23:40.081-06:00I think that I should just give upWatching TV that is. Probably wouldn't be a bad thing for many reasons but right now, the #1 reason has to do with my favorite channel (and yes, I'm a dork, I know this). Discovery Health is my favorite channel.<br /><br />At 4 p.m., we are usually watching cartoons but today, E. was engrossed in something else so I flipped the channel to D. Health. Big mistake. I immediately had a minor anxiety attack--shaky hands, fast breathing, etc. You see, the first image I saw was of a NICU and I immediately knew it was at OU Medical Center. What I knew was confirmed as the show continued. (The show was "Babies: Special Delivery" for anyone interested. :D)<br /><br />Although the room that Drew was in was never shown--remember he was in the ECMO room that usually only had his bed and one more--memories came flooding back. They showed the flight team taking a baby to visit the mother before flying the baby to Children's, just like they did with Drew.<br /><br />Although I was crying by this point, I could not look away or change the channel. I saw a few of the medical personnel who took care of my baby on the TV. None of the babies shown was in the condition that Drew was--he was by far worse than any of them--but just seeing the paint on the walls, the hallway, etc. almost sent me over the edge. I think because I was not expecting to see the place where my son lived and died. If I had been prepared, I'm pretty sure that I would have been ok.<br /><br />When one of the neonatologists sat some parents down to discuss some test results, it hit me that they were doing that in the same room where we took Drew after he died to spend time with him. That was hard to see. Very hard. It still has me reeling.<br /><br />Carson was in the NICU at OU but by the time that he arrived, the new NICU was up and running and all of the rooms have only 2 beds. It was an entirely new place so it was not as hard for me to be there. Now if he'd been in the NICU where Drew was, I really don't know what I would have done.<br /><br />It's amazing what can bring on such vivid memories. Smells invoke the memories most often. This may sound stupid but when Drew was going through his battle, I had a sample perfume. I asked for and received that perfume for Christmas last year and it is all that I will wear anymore. Because it reminds me of Drew. Sounds are difficult at times too. I can hear the HFOV (oscillator) in my sleep and if I happen to hear it on TV, I freeze.<br /><br />The holidays are a time to reflect and spend time with your family. I am beyond blessed to have what I consider the best family in the world--both immediate and extended. But I have to say that if it were not for the kids, I would no longer celebrate Christmas. It is just so hard right now, seeing everyone with their kids and knowing that our family is missing someone.<br /><br />Today is mine and Raymond's 11 year anniversary. A day to celebrate (and he gave me the most beautiful roses--11 of 'em!) but I just can't seem to really do it. We had family pictures taken this morning and when I was reviewing them, I could actually SEE Drew in them; what he would look like as a 21 month old little boy. You don't know how badly I want him in those pictures. I just look at photos and realize that our family will never be complete and it kills me.<br /><br />In my mind, Drew is a big boy! He still has his thick, dark hair and hazel eyes like his sister, tending more towards brown than hers do. He's tall for his age and stocky. He has a smile that lights up a room just like his brother and sister. In our family picture, he is standing between Elizabeth and Carson and holding my hand with his Daddy's hand on his shoulder. But it will never be. I have to be content to carry Drew in my heart.<br /><br />I just need my kids to be awake so that I can love on them; that's when I do the best and am the happiest. But God how I miss my middle child.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-44227608209521301662007-12-16T23:04:00.001-06:002007-12-16T23:05:08.676-06:00Another videoElizabeth making Carson laugh!<br /><br /><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,0,0" width="425" height="381"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dropshots.com/dropshots.swf?p=1&u=http://media4.dropshots.com/photos/25243/20071212/212824.flv&l=http://www.dropshots.com/Bugs%20Mommy#date/2007-12-12/21:28:24&d=1" /><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="sameDomain" /><embed src="http://www.dropshots.com/dropshots.swf?p=1&u=http://media4.dropshots.com/photos/25243/20071212/212824.flv&l=http://www.dropshots.com/Bugs%20Mommy#date/2007-12-12/21:28:24&d=1" wmode="transparent" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="sameDomain" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="381"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-family:arial; font-size:8pt;"><a href="http://www.dropshots.com/">Photo Sharing</a> - <a href="http://www.dropshots.com/">Video Sharing</a> - <a href="http://www.qualityphotoprints.com/">Photo Printing</a> - <a href="http://www.qualityphotoprints.com/">Photo Books</a></span></center><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/CIMP/JnB*PTExOTc4Njc4OTU1NzgmcD*xMjUyMSZkPSZuPWJsb2dnZXI=.jpg" />Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-14946855571190089622007-12-16T23:02:00.001-06:002007-12-16T23:03:24.981-06:00VideosI have a massive headache but I just wanted to post some videos of the kids for your enjoyment!<br /><br />A short portion of Elizabeth's school program:<br /><br /><center><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,0,0" width="425" height="381"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dropshots.com/dropshots.swf?p=1&u=http://media4.dropshots.com/photos/25243/20071214/193450.flv&l=http://www.dropshots.com/Bugs%20Mommy#date/2007-12-14/19:34:50&d=1" /><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="sameDomain" /><embed src="http://www.dropshots.com/dropshots.swf?p=1&u=http://media4.dropshots.com/photos/25243/20071214/193450.flv&l=http://www.dropshots.com/Bugs%20Mommy#date/2007-12-14/19:34:50&d=1" wmode="transparent" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="sameDomain" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="381"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-family:arial; font-size:8pt;"><a href="http://www.dropshots.com/">Photo Sharing</a> - <a href="http://www.dropshots.com/">Video Sharing</a> - <a href="http://www.qualityphotoprints.com/">Photo Printing</a> - <a href="http://www.qualityphotoprints.com/">Photo Books</a></span></center><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/CIMP/JnB*PTExOTc4Njc3OTQzNzUmcD*xMjUyMSZkPSZuPWJsb2dnZXI=.jpg" />Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-75852725238517704462007-12-10T14:49:00.000-06:002007-12-10T15:05:55.927-06:00Small updateI figured that I'd post a quick update. I haven't had a lot of time over the past couple of weeks for various reasons. The main one being that Raymond is in NYC and has been since last Tuesday. He's supposed to be home tomorrow night but we're having an ice storm so it's anyone's guess as to whether or not he'll make it here. The kids and I have been doing well--surprisingly since we're pretty much homebound. E. has been pretty good. I've been letting her do my hair and make-up. :D She even put some make-up on Carson this morning. She painted my fingernails and toenails too. My parents were here for a couple of days so that REALLY helped me to not lose my mind.<br /><br />Elizabeth had her very first dance recital on Saturday. It wasn't a full-blown recital but just one song. Her class danced to "What Child Is This" and she did so good! Her big recital with costumes and everything is in May. She got flowers from Grandmama, Granddaddy, Carson and me. :) She has a school program this Thursday night that should be so cute. She's been practicing her songs at the top of her voice!<br /><br />Carson....oh Carson. My big boy is growing up way too fast. :( He's now crawling all over the place. He can also pull himself up (all on his own) to his knees. He can go from his tummy to a sitting position on his own too. He can pull up to standing if you're holding his hands. He looks at me and says, "Mama!" His little personality is just shining through and he's such a sweet natured little guy. So is Elizabeth but he's much more laidback and easy-going. Where is my baby?!<br /><br />I got all of my hair chopped off. I mean CHOPPED. And I love it. I might post a picture in the near future but I hate pictures of myself. My slight OCD is rearing its ugly head in regards to my iPod. I have to rename all of the songs and classify them correctly by genre. With almost 8,000 songs that takes some time but I'm almost there! How's THAT for excitement in one's life?! <br /><br />We got the Christmas flowers out on Drew's grave on Saturday along with a little thing that says, "Love, Santa." What more can I say? My heart is hurting so bad, still. It always will.<br /><br />Got the Christmas cards and most are addressed. Now I just have to mail them. *sigh*<br /><br /><a href="http://kariabi.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Cadenne</a> is here. She is currently on ECMO and seems to be fairly stable. The ups and downs with CDH kids are so trying. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers. As bad as it sounds, I hope that they have a long journey in front of them because that will mean that Cadenne lives and does ok.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-26369210272331324542007-11-29T21:27:00.000-06:002007-11-29T21:38:28.565-06:00Oh man... (pics)Turns out that Elizabeth has seasonal allergies. That's why she can't stop coughing and her nose will not stop running. We've started her on some allergy meds so hopefully that will help. Poor kid, I was hoping that she would skip those--Daddy has them but Mommy doesn't.<br /><br />Now Carson has a cold. :( Hearing him cough breaks my heart but being the little sweetie that he is, he still has a smile on his face. He's also got a leaky nose. And he's given his cold to me and *I'm* coughing and have a runny nose now too. So it's FUN around our house right now.<br /><br />Raymond and the kids gave me my Christmas present yesterday. (Yeah, I'm spoiled! I already got it!) The first thing I requested was a new wedding ring set. Nope, R. wasn't going to do that. The next thing I requested was a new charm bracelet so that I could put all of my charms that I got for Drew (and 2 for the other kids) on it. Nope, he's not going to do THAT either. Finally, out of frustration, I told him to get me an iPod Nano. He wanted to give me his Zune (a Microsoft iPod) and get him a new one. Um, no. I'm sick of hand-me-downs--I get the hand-me-down phones, computers, cars, etc. He could get on board with that request because it's a techie thing the only problem was that I wanted a pink one. They are not currently making a pink Nano. So he got me a silver one, E. got me a pink cover for it and C. got me the car accessories. Now I'm happy. :)<br /><br />Here's proof that Carson is going to break my heart (the photographer could not stop taking pictures of him, these are just a portion of those taken--she fell in love with him and he turned on the charm big time; these are his 7 month pictures):<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8c9e33d6-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8cbae397-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8cde9838-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br />Muscle man!!<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8db2d82f-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8e65ad75-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8e84a726-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8e468cb4-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8e123642-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8eaf87b7-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/8edcd948-96d9-11dc-a101-0015172f3bd.jpg">Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-41859362460461039512007-11-25T22:40:00.000-06:002007-11-25T22:44:51.670-06:00I'm doneI hope that all of my American friends had a wonderful Thanksgiving; I know that we did at our household. The kids and grandparents (all 4!) were in heaven being with one another. Raymond and I both cooked and the meal was excellent, IMO. We have much to be thankful for despite our loss of Drew and we need to take opportunities like this to recognize that fact.<br /><br />I finished Drew's stocking on Thanksgiving Day. Thank goodness; I'm never making one of these things again. My mom has made mine, Raymond's, Elizabeth's and Carson's. I only did Drew's but there is now a craft that I do not like--I don't like working with felt. Anyway, it's done and we all have our snow(wo)men stockings now.<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/stocking_Layer1.jpg"><br /><br />We also got the tree up and decorated with a lot of help from my mom:<br /><br /><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/janalyn1976/100_3258_Layer1.jpg">Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-56741373413475944922007-11-19T21:31:00.000-06:002007-11-19T21:33:35.662-06:00A Rainbow of HopeThe day has finally arrived! Something that I've been working on in my free time for almost a year now. <a href="http://www.arainbowofhope.com" target="_blank">A Rainbow of Hope: CDH Awareness</a> has a whole new look! I'm so excited!! I'm still working on updating the content but I really wanted to get the new look up--I was never really pleased with the previous look. <a href="http://www.arainbowofhope.com" target="_blank">Check it out</a> when you get a chance.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22258503.post-17799454136142279372007-11-17T23:50:00.000-06:002007-11-18T00:29:13.627-06:00In a moodI've been in a "mood" for about the past week and tonight it concluded with a crying fit. I'll do ok for a long while and then it just hits me. <br /><br />I cannot believe that it's been close to 2 years since Drew arrived and then died. It's been over 2 years since we found out about his condition. I have a hard time remembering how we got through those days when he was in the hospital. I just remember the incredible stress and how it felt to be able to touch and talk to Drew. I want to touch him again; his skin was so soft and his hair was so silky. His eyes were so beautiful and his stare was so penetrating. He would look directly in your eyes and it was as if he knew every little thing about you. He knew that my heart was breaking. He knew that I loved him more than anything in the world. I KNOW that he knew that. But I worry about all that we put him through. I still question every decision that we made and I always will. What that precious child went through was pure hell. Were we selfish to try almost everything available to us to give him a life? All for nothing?<br /><br />Deep in my heart, I DO feel that we did right by him. We did what was best for our family. But I will always wonder about things... And I have a thought that haunts me. In many ways, I'm thankful that Drew died. He would have had so many problems, in all likelihood, because his defect was just so severe. But above all of that, I just wish that he were here with his family where he belongs. I cannot stress how much he was wanted. He was our only planned pregnancy and ironically, the one who died.<br /><br />I have said before that his death has profoundly changed me. I feel like every aspect of my being has been changed--mainly for the better--due to Drew. He truly taught me what life is about and to look for the beauty in simple things. He softened my heart. He taught me about true caring. He also taught me about unbearable pain.<br /><br />I'm sitting here looking at Carson as he sleeps and crying because Drew should be here too. Carson looks like Drew when he's asleep. This just hurts so much and the pain is not diminishing as time goes by. If anything, it's becoming sharper. Coming up on another Christmas without our Buddy Boy.<br /><br />I cringe when anyone calls Carson "Buddy." I know that most people don't know that's what we called Drew but I still cringe. I want to scream, "Don't call him that! 'Buddy' was my first son!" We worked so hard to get Elizabeth not to call Carson Buddy (it worked) and I always want to correct people but I don't. And when I don't, I feel like I'm betraying Drew.<br /><br />Drew's death also clarified some things for me regarding my philosophy of life and religion. I do not write about that because, for me, it's intensely personal but he had that effect too.<br /><br />Today was a family Thanksgiving celebration. It was wonderful to see Elizabeth playing with her cousins and everyone loving on Carson. It just made me so sad that Drew couldn't have those experiences. Driving home, I made a list in my head of all of the things that Drew never got to experience and never will. And it just caused me deep despair.<br /><br />Donna and I were talking about signs we receive from our sons and we both agree that if people knew how many we receive (what we KNOW are signs--others probably think are nothing), they would haul us off thinking we were crazy. But we're not. You don't understand unless you've gotten a sign--I KNOW when Drew is contacting me because of a feeling that comes over me. Yeah, I sound nuts, I know. I've always been a person grounded in reality and realism, concrete things, so this is all new and strange for me. But I KNOW, even if others don't.<br /><br />We went to 2 cemeteries on the way home. We visited Raymond's grandmother's grave and his brother Kelby's. Kelby lived a shorter life than Drew. I hope that the two of them have found one another, uncle and nephew. Then we got home and I feel horrible because we didn't go visit Drew. *sigh*<br /><br />I'm a bit behind the times but I just finished a book called "The Lovely Bones." Excellent book. It's told from the perspective of a girl who was murdered. I think that I like it so much because I like to envision the place where Drew's soul is is a lot like what Susie describes in the book. It also tries to show how one life can make an impact on others on earth long after death. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.<br /><br />I think that Raymond thinks I'm nuts because I kind of broke down in front of him tonight. I usually have my "breakdowns" privately but it just all hit me and was too much today. Makes him uncomfortable--he doesn't know what to do--because he's not one to show much of any emotion at all. That's been difficult over the past 2 years too.<br /><br />Then, standing in the kitchen with Elizabeth, she said, "Mommy, I miss Drew so much." She's seen me cry about him but she didn't know that I'd been doing it today. I just hugged her and told her that I did too and to remember that she's so special because she has a brother looking out for her and that not many people have that.<br /><br />Blech, this just sucks and the holidays make it worse. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but I just don't care anymore. No, that's not true. I hate this time of year now. I pretend for the kids, they need as normal a life as possible. Maybe one day I'll be able to feel joy at this time of year again but I just can't now. I'm thankful for so much but the one thing that I'm not thankful for hurts the most and cuts the deepest.<br /><br />I don't even think that I'm making sense now. Fuck it.<br />-------<br />On the good news front, I got to see Sasha when we were in Texas. And Bella and Ivy too, of course! It was so good to see all of them. Sasha looks so fantastic, she's a walking miracle. Two liver transplants and you'd never know it to look at her. She's a beautiful, precious child. And Bella and Elizabeth, those two together are so freaking adorable.<br /><br />We saw Elizabeth's outfit for her spring dance recital. She's going to be sooooooooo cute!! I cannot wait to see her up on stage. It's May 18 if anyone wants to drive up here and attend. :D Elizabeth goes to the doctor on Monday. She's had a cough and runny nose for almost a month now so we need to see if it's allergies, virus after virus, a combination of the two, whatever. She says that she feels ok but it's been going on long enough. I'm sick of the snot. She's been a terror lately, more so than usual. Please tell me it will get better. Please. She and Carson are COMPLETE opposites. She still likes to climb in my lap for hugs and kisses though and that's the best part of my day. It helps to erase much of the other behavior for Mommy. I find myself saying things to her that I swore that I never would. It's kind of funny really, but not so much in the moment.<br /><br />Carson is saying, "Mama," left and right. He also says, "Baba," but I'm not sure what that means yet. He's got a little scrape on the end of his nose from finally getting some forward momentum. He saw the doctor on Thursday and is perfectly healthy and normal, if a bit large. :D He's 18 pounds, 15 ounces and 26 3/4 inches long. And nothing but a flirt! He certainly turned on the charm today! He didn't really cry once in about 5 hours in a place he's never been being passed from person to person. He whined a bit once because he was tired, went to sleep and cried a bit when he woke up because Daddy couldn't do the right thing (nurse him!). He's loving his food--he can really pack it away. All in all, he's growing up way too fast.Janahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05392541119149178418noreply@blogger.com1