I miss you, Drew

on this 3rd anniversary of your death. And it still hurts more than anything.

I love you my Buddy Boy and think of you every single day. I miss you so very much.

3 long years...

Our Buddy Boy

Create your own video at One True Media

Press play to view Drew's slideshow with music. It has been recently (October 2007) updated. The music is "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne, "Far Away" by Nickelback and "Nighty-Night" by Disney Lullabies (playing when Drew's casket was sealed).

Just want to keep this at the top. To see new posts, just scroll down a little bit. :)

Blogging again

I am occasionally blogging again at My Fun, Frazzled Life so check it out if you get a chance. The tone tends to be very different from this one about my Drew.

Jana

March for Babies - IMPORTANT!!

One more post for a good cause.

As most of you know, Raymond and I lost our first son Drew to a condition known as congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH).

Now that I don't have a baby in the NICU, am not pregnant and have not just given birth (:D), I can walk in the March of Dimes March for Babies. Raymond, the kids, some other family/friends, and I will be walking in memory of Drew on April 26.

Please consider donating; all proceeds benefit the March of Dimes and they do so much good for babies. You can donate by clicking on the following link.

Thank you!

A Rainbow for Drew

This is how it ends.

I am going to discontinue posting in this blog. I will not blog--I cannot say if that's just temporary or permenant--here or anywhere else. There are a couple of reasons for me doing this:

1. As I move on in my grief over losing Drew, I feel that this, which has been my place to pour out emotions that one would not see from me on a daily basis, is counterproductive. (What a run-on sentence, huh?) I am on a path of healing and don't feel that I can take the next step if I continue to dwell on things here;

2. I am afraid that I may inadvertently (sp?) reveal some things going on in my life at the moment that others do not wish revealed. I don't want to make an already difficult situation even worse.

So there you have it. I want to thank all of you that have followed Drew's story, offered your support and grieved with me. It means more to me than you can ever possibly know.

If you wish to keep in touch, I can be reached at janalyn @ sbcglobal . net (no spaces, of course--I get enough spam as it is). I can't promise to be a faithful "e-mail pal" because I'm bad about reading stuff and then forgetting to reply later but I can promise to try. A Rainbow of Hope will continue to be operational in memory of sweet little Drew.

Thanks for the ride, it's been healing.

So...

Things have not been going well in my life for a while now. It is what it is and I'm going to counseling (with a therapist and a life coach) to try and get back on track. I don't know how well it's working but it's costing a lot of money. *sigh*

One thing that HAS gone right is that I received something very important to me on Valentine's Day. The Proclamation from Oklahoma's Governor Brad Henry arrived at my door. March 31, 2008, is officially Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Day in the state of Oklahoma. I'll post pictures later.

My friend Lisa received the same for the state of Tennessee. Yay!! Pics of that to come too.

Drew's grave

Monday I went to go get Elizabeth from her grandparents house. We got back to Edmond right around sunset and the cemetery is on the way home so I decided to stop and check on Drew's grave.

It was beautiful--the sunsets out here are amazing, shades of pink, blue and gold. There was a ray of sun falling on Drew's headstone lighting it up. It was as if he knew that we were coming by to visit him. It was truly beautiful and peaceful and serene.

I rearranged his "things" (angels, dinosaurs, you know the stuff family brings for him and leaves) and noticed a new item. It is a ladybug magnet. I don't know where it came from, who left it. I know that Raymond and I did not. Whoever left it must know about my love of ladybug's. I would love to know who brought it by (hint, hint!).

It was just a very nice visit. There was no crying and while I felt sadness, I felt peacefulness more than anything. I am healing from his death. I am happy much more often than I am sad; I wish that others could see this in me. I don't cry as much anymore. I am able to remember him fondly more than remember his ordeal.

It sometimes feels like a betrayal to be "moving on" but it's natural and necessary. I am able to smile when I look at his pictures now. I am on my way to accepting what happened and realizing that it was not my fault and that I could not save him, no matter how much I wanted to do so. In his short life he was loved beyond measure and he knew that. That's all I need to know to feel better about the situation.