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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Can't Sleep

Well, I can't sleep, big surprise. I'm searching for songs to play at Drew's funeral and readings for the service. And it sucks. I know I said that I was at peace and the majority of me is. I'm at peace with our decision and the certainty that Drew is better now. But I'm also pissed off--for us because I want my son here with us.

We had to pick out where to bury our son today, pick out flowers for his funeral, have pictures enlarged and framed for his service, the list goes on and on and it just sucks--there's no other "nice" way to say it. I won't say the words that are really running through my mind because they're not nice at all.

Emotions go from one extreme to the other right now. There are too many poems and sayings that I want to be read at his funeral. There are too many songs I want played and I don't want to be making these decisions which is where Raymond comes in. What a rock he is when he's dealing with his own grief. I dump a lot of stuff--in this case songs and poems--on him and he narrows it down. I'm generally a fairly decisive person but I just cannot make decisions about most things right now.

Tomorrow we are finally getting to have Easter for Elizabeth; we colored eggs this evening. She's the reason I'm able to hold it together right now and I don't want that to become a burden on her. I'm going to have to watch that but right now, I just want to hold her, hug and kiss her all the time, she's such a sweet child. She's our savior, talk about pressure.

*sigh* I guess I'm just having one of those "moments." I did pretty good all day long and now it's hitting me all over again. I found this and really like it:

~Just For Today~

Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours...not expecting to get over my child's death, but learning to live with it...one day at a time.

Just for today, I'll remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of the treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child. For they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.

Just for today, I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt. For deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child, be it my own, or someone else's, because I know that would make my child proud.

Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to other bereaved parents, for I DO know how they feel.

Just for today, I will smile...no matter how much I hurt on the inside...for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today, I will allow myself to be happy and enjoy myself, for I know I am not deserting my child by moving on.

Just for today, I will accept that I did NOT die when my child did. My life did go on and I am the ONLY one who can make that life worthwhile again.

~by V.Tushingham, taken from the Bereaved Parents of the USA Tampa Bay Newsletter, Sept 2001.

16 comments:

Shawna said...

That poem is beautiful Jana....It brought tears to my eyes..
I am so glad you and Raymond have eachother thru this.. Andwhat an awesome Mommy Ellie has... Thru all your grief you are still celebrating Easter with her... You are amazing..
I will continue to pray that your healing process will continue.. I does suck you are having to make these decisions... It's so unfair...You be as pissed as you need to be....God knows you have earned it.... God bless you

Anonymous said...

I have commented a couple times thoughout Drew's journey and I have to tell you being the outsider watching your story 6 months after I went through the same struggle. I know what you are feeling, and it so so very painful and will be for a while. I have just now started to come back to "reality" as I call it. I have to tell you your son's journey really help me to come to terms with my son's journey. The choices you made and outcome in the end. It is almost as though I know now that I did the best I could. I don't know how to discribe it. If you ever need anyone to talk please ask Sheri (Jax's Mom) for my email, my name is Amy I am Alex's mother. Thank you for your poem. God Bless.

Nikki said...

Jana
Again, you dont know me and i truly hope i'm not imposing. I am still checking on your site, not to know the stattus of your sweet son Drew who is healed now, but to check the status of you. I hope you find all of the support you need to help you stand up again.

You are an amazing woman. I like the poem you posted. However i would be pissed off too. Dont deny yourself your emotions.

One foot in front of the other.

Nikki

Anonymous said...

Jana you and your family are on my mind all the times these days. My heart just hurts and aches for you. Please know you're in my prayers.

Danielle

Shawna said...

Jana,
That "Just For Today" is just wonderful and will help you so much with coping with your loss. And I'm sure you know this but please don't try to rush through the greiving process. It's a natural part of life and something that needs to come in order for you to be honest and healthful for you. It's so wonderful that you and Raymond have such a solid and strong relationship and that he is being such a rock during his time of greiving as well. He sure sounds like a wonderful husband and father! I'm sure Ellie will be a big part in your healing as well, as she will having healing to do herself in the coming years. She understands more than most people would think. Just remember another thing, you will get through this. It may not seem like it at times and at times you may even want to give up, but you are such a strong spirit yourself Jana. I only wish I had half of your strength! You have such a wonderful and close family, at home and throughout the internet. We all love you!
Hugs,
Shawna

Natalie said...

Jana, you have every right to feel every single emotion you are feeling. Most of us never met Drew, but he still touched our hearts, and we hurt for you. I can't imagine having to do the things you are having to do, and I have to tell you you are an amazing and admirable woman. I am thinking of you and will continue to pray for you and your family.
~Natalie

emma h said...

beautiful poem Jana, sending you love, hugs and prayers

April said...

The poem is beautiful. I've told you this before but I'lltell you again. I think you are such a strong amazing woman.

Carola Thornton said...

Psalm 29:10-11
The Message (MSG)
10 Above the floodwaters is GOD's throne
from which his power flows,
from which he rules the world.

11 GOD makes his people strong.
GOD gives his people peace.

Carola Thornton said...

Psalm 29:10-11
The Message (MSG)
10 Above the floodwaters is GOD's throne
from which his power flows,
from which he rules the world.

11 GOD makes his people strong.
GOD gives his people peace.

God grant the Lewallen's strength and peace. Let them know that you love them and are walking along beside them, that they can lean on you at any time. That you will carry them when they cannot walk anymore, that you will hold them while they scream, that you understand, for you too lost your Son, you know how it feels. God let an overwhelming calmness pour over them like they have never experienced before, and just like you promised, restore their Joy.

Donna Lewallen said...

Jana, you have every right to feel how you feel. You will have many ups and downs ahead. I too agree that these things suck. A mother isn't supposed to have to do what we have done. You are blessed to have such a wonderful Elizabeth. From others I have talked with that have other children, they do help keep things together but don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself opportunities to blow off. I'll be visiting with you more soon. Remember, I'm only a phone call away and will come to Edmond anytime you need someone. I've been down the road of the loss of a son just a different road. Lots of things are ahead but keep your head up and remember, Drew and Brandon are having a blast getting acquainted. Oh how Brandon loved little children. I'm here when you need me. The poem was great. It helped me out loads. Love and hugs.

Dawn G said...

Jana, I still have no words. My heart just wants to make everything better for you guys. I want to make it go away for you. I would gladly take any pain just so you don't have to. Your gracious and true, your strong yet know you can be vunerable, you know when to ask for help and when to give help.

God bless you.
Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Jana,
You have every right to feel the way you do. You are such a strong and amazing person. I pray that you find comfort in God and I will be thinking of you and your family and praying for you also during this time.

Anonymous said...

I read about your desire for nemo material and clicked on the link to read more about your son's story. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. I lost my baby girl, Emily, right after birth due to a birth defect and I know it was my darkest day. I know what you mean about planning a funneral for your baby. You keep thinking to yourself that I should be enjoying my baby right now, not planning his/her last farewell. Now almost two years later I still cry thinking about it; but not as much as I used to. I know also what you mean about your daughter being your saving grace, my son was for us too. I think I totally annoyed my son with all the affection. Time helps with the grief; but know that I still think of my Emily everyday. I pray that you will get through these next few days and continue to heal and your heart aches less and less, never forgetting your precious little boy.

Cos said...

Jana,
I've just returned from Drew's funeral. While I believe the words "good" and "funeral" are mutually exclusive, it was well done. This world, less a child that would be raised by you and Ray, is a lesser place. May God Bless You and you are all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Jana that poem is so very beautiful - and heartbreaking. My heart is truly breaking for you.


Robyn