La la la la la

Still nothing. I think that my words are coming back to bite me in the you-know-what. I said that I wanted a child more like me (i.e. stubborn is one of my greatest qualities, ask Raymond) and it appears that Carson may just be. The moral of the story? Be careful what you wish for.

Carson and I have been having what I call a "battle of wills" throughout this pregnancy, much moreso than with Elizabeth or Drew. I'll move him over, he'll move right back. Repeat about 20 times. With E., all I had to do was put something cold on my belly and she'd shoot over to the other side. She was very sensitive to temperatures. Drew, well, he was just laidback while in utero. He'd move but not "hard" movements if that makes sense. He just kind of rolled, didn't kick hard and once he was head down, he stayed basically in 1 position. Carson, well, he kicks hard and while he stays head down, he spins around on his head and stretches a lot. When he stretches, his feet kind of hook under my ribs and his head pushes down pretty hard. I'm sure all of you mommies have experienced something like that--feels lovely, doesn't it?

I saw my doctor yesterday for my 40 week appointment. NOTHING IS HAPPENING. I lost 1 lb., urine was clear, BP was 120/66 and I'm measuring 40 cm. at 40 weeks. Oh, and being that it was my due date, I let her check me. BARELY 1 cm. dilated and cervix still way up high and back. Now I have 2 non-stress tests a week until he comes so I go back on Thursday. Then Monday. Then Thursday. And on and on and on.

The NST yesterday was 20 minutes, Carson's heartrate stayed right around 115 and I had 5 contractions. You'd think that would be good news but as I keep saying, they're not productive contractions. They're real enough and are uncomfortable but not the "take your breath away" kind that actually do something.

Due to our "unique" situation, the doctor said that she would induce on Wednesday (tomorrow) if that's what I wanted because my anxiety level is so high. Don't think that I didn't seriously consider it. But I've decided not to do that. I have to keep in the forefront of my mind that I want this birth to be different from Drew's--no induction and probable c-section. Carson will come when he's ready is what I keep repeating to myself. Over and over and over.

I will only consider induction if a bio-physical profile shows that the placenta is not functioning well (common in overdue PG's--like 2 weeks overdue) or some other such problem. I can live with the physical issues and even the anxiety. It's just worse now because it's so close. I've been anxious throughout the PG but now that the time's just about here, I'm beyond any kind of anxiety that I've ever experienced.

So I'm taking E. out tomorrow to shop. That should help, right?! We just need to get her Ariel Barbie some "human" clothes so it won't be naked all the time. I guess her Papa taught her how to take off the mermaid tail and that naked doll really bothers Raymond, haha!
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I did ok yesterday. Kind of just moped around the house since E. was with her grandparents and R. was at work. The day was not as bad as I thought it might be. Honestly, this year, Drew's b-day was worse. I'm pretty sure that's because when we made the decision to let Drew go, I knew that it was the right thing. I was at peace with our decision. I STILL know that it was the correct decision. That doesn't mean that it didn't/doesn't hurt like hell but the level of unknown and fear was not there on the 16th last year. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but it does in my mind.

I have been so heartened by all of the kind messages that I have received from you all. You have all assured me that you think of Drew and remember him. THAT'S what matters--he was an important part of life and he touched people. Please don't ever forget him. He was a beautiful child and it saddens me that he did not get to grow into a beautiful adult. But he did do good. He did more good in his short life than many do in a full lifetime, in my opinion. He helped educate people and he still does after death. RIP my little Drew.

The killings at Virgina Tech have me distraught. (Yes, it's going to turn right back around to me but that's ok, it's MY freaking blog, right?) I feel for that entire campus and for every family and friend that lost a loved one. I feel for the family of the killer. I don't understand such senseless killing. I never will. It's just another thing to remember on the day that Drew died and that really upsets me. I can't really articulate my feelings on situation tonight, I just know that 1)I, along with the rest of the country, grieve along with and for the families of those killed and 2)it hurts that this happened at all, much less on the 1-year anniversary of Drew's death.

That's selfish thinking, I know but I can't help it. I've always been honest about my thoughts and feelings here and I'm not going to stop now. May the families and friends and an entire campus find some peace in the coming days, weeks, months, years...