Sunday, April 15, 2007

No topic

So we just got home not long ago. Went walking around the mall and out to lunch. I even ate spicy (for me) food. So far, nothing is helping. I squatted for a long time last night (what a sight THAT was, I'm sure).

I don't know what it is about eating out but I can't do it. Last time, I had to box up my food and wait in the car until R. and E. were finished. I just felt sick. Today, I at least made it to the bathroom and didn't have a reprise of the "plate puking." :( I'm so embarrassed--someone else was in the bathroom so I can't imagine what they thought. And did I mention that we were lunching with my in-laws?! Thank goodness they seem to understand.

Elizabeth went home with Grammy and Papa so R. and I have an easy night. She's about to jump out of her skin she's so excited that Grandmama, Granddaddy, Grammy, Papa AND Great-Grandma Lilly are all going to be at her house at once! I made the mistake of telling her that a couple of weeks ago and she just cannot wait. Think it's because they all spoil her rotten?! I'm looking forward to it also because 1)I love my family and 2)that means Carson has been born.

I see my doctor tomorrow morning and might ask about some natural induction methods that I've been researching. I know that I just need to chill--Carson will arrive when he's ready but my anxiety is getting bad. I NEED to see and hold him and know that he's ok. You cannot understand that need unless you've been there.

Every weekday morning at 3 a.m., the show "Babies: Special Delivery" comes on Discovery Health. How do I know this, you ask? Because I'm always awake for some reason. I torture myself and watch it. The only time I turned it off was when they had a CDH case the other night. I couldn't deal with that one. Anyway, Thursday night, I had my first real anxiety attack since shortly after Drew's death. It was horrible--I couldn't breathe, my chest tightened up, I got lightheaded, etc. It didn't last very long but it was enough to bring home just how stressed I am right now about Carson's birth.

Tomorrow will be 1 year. At 3:29 p.m. CST, it will have been exactly 1 year since Drew died. So far, I'm doing better than I thought that I would but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I cannot put into words how much I miss that little guy. One thing I do know is that my life is much better having had him in it, no matter how short that time was. He affected me in a profound way and for that, I'm thankful. I can also say that I now have many more good days than bad, I only write about the bad. I'm able to think of Drew and smile and be happy, not just sad. That means that I'm healing. It's NOT getting easier but it is changing as Aunt Donna told me it would. I don't know if I'll post tomorrow. I plan on just remembering sweet little Baby Drew and how much he has changed my lovely family. He was worth every tear and worry and fear and concern and I know that he's looking out for his family. Love you, Buddy Boy.


Lori said...

Thinking of you snd praying for you as you approach tomorrow, and remembering your precious Drew.

He has touched more lives than you can possibly imagine.


Jenn Miller said...

I've been thinking about you and tomorrow all day. Know you're thought of and loved in Texas (besides by your family ;-)


Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of you. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your family today. Hugs sweetie