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Saturday, November 17, 2007

In a mood

I've been in a "mood" for about the past week and tonight it concluded with a crying fit. I'll do ok for a long while and then it just hits me.

I cannot believe that it's been close to 2 years since Drew arrived and then died. It's been over 2 years since we found out about his condition. I have a hard time remembering how we got through those days when he was in the hospital. I just remember the incredible stress and how it felt to be able to touch and talk to Drew. I want to touch him again; his skin was so soft and his hair was so silky. His eyes were so beautiful and his stare was so penetrating. He would look directly in your eyes and it was as if he knew every little thing about you. He knew that my heart was breaking. He knew that I loved him more than anything in the world. I KNOW that he knew that. But I worry about all that we put him through. I still question every decision that we made and I always will. What that precious child went through was pure hell. Were we selfish to try almost everything available to us to give him a life? All for nothing?

Deep in my heart, I DO feel that we did right by him. We did what was best for our family. But I will always wonder about things... And I have a thought that haunts me. In many ways, I'm thankful that Drew died. He would have had so many problems, in all likelihood, because his defect was just so severe. But above all of that, I just wish that he were here with his family where he belongs. I cannot stress how much he was wanted. He was our only planned pregnancy and ironically, the one who died.

I have said before that his death has profoundly changed me. I feel like every aspect of my being has been changed--mainly for the better--due to Drew. He truly taught me what life is about and to look for the beauty in simple things. He softened my heart. He taught me about true caring. He also taught me about unbearable pain.

I'm sitting here looking at Carson as he sleeps and crying because Drew should be here too. Carson looks like Drew when he's asleep. This just hurts so much and the pain is not diminishing as time goes by. If anything, it's becoming sharper. Coming up on another Christmas without our Buddy Boy.

I cringe when anyone calls Carson "Buddy." I know that most people don't know that's what we called Drew but I still cringe. I want to scream, "Don't call him that! 'Buddy' was my first son!" We worked so hard to get Elizabeth not to call Carson Buddy (it worked) and I always want to correct people but I don't. And when I don't, I feel like I'm betraying Drew.

Drew's death also clarified some things for me regarding my philosophy of life and religion. I do not write about that because, for me, it's intensely personal but he had that effect too.

Today was a family Thanksgiving celebration. It was wonderful to see Elizabeth playing with her cousins and everyone loving on Carson. It just made me so sad that Drew couldn't have those experiences. Driving home, I made a list in my head of all of the things that Drew never got to experience and never will. And it just caused me deep despair.

Donna and I were talking about signs we receive from our sons and we both agree that if people knew how many we receive (what we KNOW are signs--others probably think are nothing), they would haul us off thinking we were crazy. But we're not. You don't understand unless you've gotten a sign--I KNOW when Drew is contacting me because of a feeling that comes over me. Yeah, I sound nuts, I know. I've always been a person grounded in reality and realism, concrete things, so this is all new and strange for me. But I KNOW, even if others don't.

We went to 2 cemeteries on the way home. We visited Raymond's grandmother's grave and his brother Kelby's. Kelby lived a shorter life than Drew. I hope that the two of them have found one another, uncle and nephew. Then we got home and I feel horrible because we didn't go visit Drew. *sigh*

I'm a bit behind the times but I just finished a book called "The Lovely Bones." Excellent book. It's told from the perspective of a girl who was murdered. I think that I like it so much because I like to envision the place where Drew's soul is is a lot like what Susie describes in the book. It also tries to show how one life can make an impact on others on earth long after death. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

I think that Raymond thinks I'm nuts because I kind of broke down in front of him tonight. I usually have my "breakdowns" privately but it just all hit me and was too much today. Makes him uncomfortable--he doesn't know what to do--because he's not one to show much of any emotion at all. That's been difficult over the past 2 years too.

Then, standing in the kitchen with Elizabeth, she said, "Mommy, I miss Drew so much." She's seen me cry about him but she didn't know that I'd been doing it today. I just hugged her and told her that I did too and to remember that she's so special because she has a brother looking out for her and that not many people have that.

Blech, this just sucks and the holidays make it worse. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday but I just don't care anymore. No, that's not true. I hate this time of year now. I pretend for the kids, they need as normal a life as possible. Maybe one day I'll be able to feel joy at this time of year again but I just can't now. I'm thankful for so much but the one thing that I'm not thankful for hurts the most and cuts the deepest.

I don't even think that I'm making sense now. Fuck it.
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On the good news front, I got to see Sasha when we were in Texas. And Bella and Ivy too, of course! It was so good to see all of them. Sasha looks so fantastic, she's a walking miracle. Two liver transplants and you'd never know it to look at her. She's a beautiful, precious child. And Bella and Elizabeth, those two together are so freaking adorable.

We saw Elizabeth's outfit for her spring dance recital. She's going to be sooooooooo cute!! I cannot wait to see her up on stage. It's May 18 if anyone wants to drive up here and attend. :D Elizabeth goes to the doctor on Monday. She's had a cough and runny nose for almost a month now so we need to see if it's allergies, virus after virus, a combination of the two, whatever. She says that she feels ok but it's been going on long enough. I'm sick of the snot. She's been a terror lately, more so than usual. Please tell me it will get better. Please. She and Carson are COMPLETE opposites. She still likes to climb in my lap for hugs and kisses though and that's the best part of my day. It helps to erase much of the other behavior for Mommy. I find myself saying things to her that I swore that I never would. It's kind of funny really, but not so much in the moment.

Carson is saying, "Mama," left and right. He also says, "Baba," but I'm not sure what that means yet. He's got a little scrape on the end of his nose from finally getting some forward momentum. He saw the doctor on Thursday and is perfectly healthy and normal, if a bit large. :D He's 18 pounds, 15 ounces and 26 3/4 inches long. And nothing but a flirt! He certainly turned on the charm today! He didn't really cry once in about 5 hours in a place he's never been being passed from person to person. He whined a bit once because he was tired, went to sleep and cried a bit when he woke up because Daddy couldn't do the right thing (nurse him!). He's loving his food--he can really pack it away. All in all, he's growing up way too fast.

1 comments:

Carole said...

Jana,
I thought last year was going to be the worst with firsts and all...but now I'm finding panic attacks and crap like that. It wasn't until reading your post today that I realized that the seconds seem just as hard. Second Christmas...that sucks. Above all we should have our sons here with us.

Please know that I'm always thinking of you and your family.
~Carole