Saturday, December 22, 2007

I think that I should just give up

Watching TV that is. Probably wouldn't be a bad thing for many reasons but right now, the #1 reason has to do with my favorite channel (and yes, I'm a dork, I know this). Discovery Health is my favorite channel.

At 4 p.m., we are usually watching cartoons but today, E. was engrossed in something else so I flipped the channel to D. Health. Big mistake. I immediately had a minor anxiety attack--shaky hands, fast breathing, etc. You see, the first image I saw was of a NICU and I immediately knew it was at OU Medical Center. What I knew was confirmed as the show continued. (The show was "Babies: Special Delivery" for anyone interested. :D)

Although the room that Drew was in was never shown--remember he was in the ECMO room that usually only had his bed and one more--memories came flooding back. They showed the flight team taking a baby to visit the mother before flying the baby to Children's, just like they did with Drew.

Although I was crying by this point, I could not look away or change the channel. I saw a few of the medical personnel who took care of my baby on the TV. None of the babies shown was in the condition that Drew was--he was by far worse than any of them--but just seeing the paint on the walls, the hallway, etc. almost sent me over the edge. I think because I was not expecting to see the place where my son lived and died. If I had been prepared, I'm pretty sure that I would have been ok.

When one of the neonatologists sat some parents down to discuss some test results, it hit me that they were doing that in the same room where we took Drew after he died to spend time with him. That was hard to see. Very hard. It still has me reeling.

Carson was in the NICU at OU but by the time that he arrived, the new NICU was up and running and all of the rooms have only 2 beds. It was an entirely new place so it was not as hard for me to be there. Now if he'd been in the NICU where Drew was, I really don't know what I would have done.

It's amazing what can bring on such vivid memories. Smells invoke the memories most often. This may sound stupid but when Drew was going through his battle, I had a sample perfume. I asked for and received that perfume for Christmas last year and it is all that I will wear anymore. Because it reminds me of Drew. Sounds are difficult at times too. I can hear the HFOV (oscillator) in my sleep and if I happen to hear it on TV, I freeze.

The holidays are a time to reflect and spend time with your family. I am beyond blessed to have what I consider the best family in the world--both immediate and extended. But I have to say that if it were not for the kids, I would no longer celebrate Christmas. It is just so hard right now, seeing everyone with their kids and knowing that our family is missing someone.

Today is mine and Raymond's 11 year anniversary. A day to celebrate (and he gave me the most beautiful roses--11 of 'em!) but I just can't seem to really do it. We had family pictures taken this morning and when I was reviewing them, I could actually SEE Drew in them; what he would look like as a 21 month old little boy. You don't know how badly I want him in those pictures. I just look at photos and realize that our family will never be complete and it kills me.

In my mind, Drew is a big boy! He still has his thick, dark hair and hazel eyes like his sister, tending more towards brown than hers do. He's tall for his age and stocky. He has a smile that lights up a room just like his brother and sister. In our family picture, he is standing between Elizabeth and Carson and holding my hand with his Daddy's hand on his shoulder. But it will never be. I have to be content to carry Drew in my heart.

I just need my kids to be awake so that I can love on them; that's when I do the best and am the happiest. But God how I miss my middle child.


Anonymous said...

Hugs sweetie...

Dawn Nolan said...

Thinking of you. My husband lost his first son 10 years ago and it is the same way about things that bring him back and what he can and can't watch on TV--that's when he usually gets caught off guard, too. I wish there was a way to remember without the pain. Take care of yourself. I wish you joy and peace.

Gina said...

I'm thinking of Drew and you Jana. You two seem to always be in my thoughts.