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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

No topic

Ok, so it's not such a good idea to try and fill some things in the blank spaces of Drew's baby book. I wanted to do it while everything is still fairly fresh in my mind but I'd never noticed how full of HOPE and optimism those books are. For instance, it's a given that the baby will come home. There's an entire page dedicated to "Going Home." I had to write, "You never got to come home..." And a description of the baby's first home--"Your first and only home was OU Children's Hospital~Level III NICU, 5th floor Garrison Tower." First room (and only, the ECMO room at the end of the NICU hallway), what people said about you ("He's extremely critical"), daily outings (none), first haircut (shortly before death, given by Mommy), first sounds (2-3 very weak cries at birth, no more sounds after that), it just goes on and on. I think I'll just put that back up for a while.

I held off on even purchasing a baby book until about 4 days before Drew was born. I let myself hope, that was my biggest mistake. I always knew, rationally, that Drew could die and that the odds of his survival weren't good. In fact, I knew all along in my heart that he would die. But I let myself hope because he was doing so well until his last few days. That was my folly.

He was doing so well that I even have a closet full of clothing that I bought for him after he was born. I did not buy anything other than a "coming home" outfit and some hats before his birth because I knew. I just knew. Now I don't know what to do with his clothes. Hell, I can't even bring myself to open his closet doors. I sleep in his room every night, across the hall from Elizabeth, just looking at his crib.

I've been having dreams about Drew. They are good dreams--he's a toddler, about 18 months in them, and just running around with Elizabeth, laughing hysterically. In my dreams, there is nothing wrong with him. And then I wake up and I can't go back to sleep. I'm dreaming of how he might have been and that hurts because I'll never know.

I've been browsing around the web for ideas on headstones for Drew's grave. I've been looking for days now and am no closer to knowing what I want. I hate that Drew is at the cemetary with nothing marking his grave so I need to get in gear--decide on someone to do it and how I want it to look. (Raymond and I have to agree on something, that might be the hardest part! Not really, we're usually pretty good at agreeing on things like this. Like this?! We've never had to agree on something like this and I hope that we never have to again.)

Yesterday was a good day with Elizabeth. She was just a sweet little angel and she seemed happy that things have settled down. It's important to try and keep her life as stable as possible espcially since it's been turned upside down lately. But today...oh.my.gosh. She was a TERROR all day long. So I guess things are back to as normal as they can be. :) I think that Raymond's glad to be back at work, can't say that I blame him after the stress of the hospital and living in a parking lot (in a very nice RV but still, in a parking lot) for almsot 6 weeks.

Anyone making donations in Drew's name, we thank you. Information on that can be found here. I will do personal thank you notes in about a month. The Volunteers are going to keep a record of who makes donations and send us a list after a month or so. In the meantime, any donations are going to remain in Drew's fund and we will specifiy how to use the money at a later date.

I don't think that I mentioned that Raymond had not one, but *two* accidents in the 5 weeks we were traveling to and from the hospital. Neither was his fault (they really weren't, I'm not just saying that). One guy opened his car door and nailed Raymond's car pretty good and that's already been settled with the other man's insurance. The one on Friday night before Drew died was more serious and was a hit and run. Raymond had to run off the road to avoid a head on collision. As it is, the driver's side window was shattered and the power mirror destroyed. Thank goodness he was ok--we can get the stupid car fixed. And at least he wasn't driving my new van, lol! Stuff like this (everything--Drew, car accidents, etc.) really puts things in perspective; petty crap just does.not.matter.

I started this entry pretty sad and upset and I'm ending it smiling. That's how quickly things with my emotions can change. I kind of feel off-balance all the time right now. Overall, I'm doing ok. Not great, but ok. This is just how I get everything out of my system after a long day. I let Elizabeth see me grieve, I think it's good for her to see that, but I can't just let loose with everything I feel otherwise people that I don't know would just think I'm a raving lunatic--not that it matters or that I care all that much. I just don't want to answer questions and the sympathetic looks can get to me. The looks that say, "I sure am glad that I'm not you; that I didn't lose my child." (BTW, I'm glad for that too.)

Edit: Wonder why this says I posted at 9:24 a.m.? It was more like 10:30 p.m.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am glad you have this blog as an outlet. I keep a journal here at home and I know I always feel better after writing in it! I can't believe Raymond was in 2 car accidents in the past 6 weeks! That's unreal. Glad he wasn't hurt. Still thinking of you and your family and praying for you daily!

Hugs and prayers,
Tasha

Karin said...

I also am glad that you have an outlet to get your feelings out. I just want you to know how sorry I am about Drew, I came across your blog by accident and just started reading from the begining. Bless all of your hearts. Just know that Drew is with God and that he is happy and has no pain, you will see him agian someday and he will be that little boy that you are dreaming about, one that laughs and runs. Know that he is sitting on the Lords lap and he is comforting a little boy that you called Drew.

God Bless you all.
Karin
Karinjmorrow@aol.com

Anonymous said...

I love you.

Anonymous said...

Hi there...I linked over here from Lauren's space. I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your baby boy - I have two children myself, and I can only imagine how difficult this is as a mother. Your entries really show the love he was a part of in your family - even if he was only with you on earth for a short time, what a wonderful family he was able to enjoy that time with.

Take care,
Chantel
http://spaces.msn.com/the-ward-family

jepmom said...

Jana
Maybe you could develop your own baby book about Drew, more personal. When you are ready let me know I have a thought for you, something i offer at my business that you could do yourself. You have my email.

April said...

(((hugs)))