Regrets

Elizabeth and I watched all of the video of Drew that was taken when he was alive. I regret not getting so much more, what we have is just not enough. :( We watched Drew's funeral this evening as a family (Elizabeth acting as crazy as ever the entire time). It was a nice funeral. I need to write out a description of it at some point.

I said I wanted to get everything down while it's still fresh in my mind so that I won't forget. I don't think I'll ever forget anything, though. I've been going through the hundreds of pictures that we have of Drew and I can remember EXACTLY what was happening at the time I took each picture. I can remember each nurse that Drew had, how he was doing, etc. Sometimes I think that I'd like to forget but more often I hope that I don't.

There have been times I wake up thinking that we need to get ready so that we can go to the hospital and visit Drew. And then I remember. On Wednesday, E. and I were running around town, just some errands and I found myself actually driving to the highway to go to the hospital. When I realized what I was doing, I turned the car around and went to the cemetary. I didn't go to the cemetary today and now I feel guilty--mother's are good with guilt (about anything, everything and nothing), aren't they?

My milk was shipped to Ft. Worth on Tuesday. It makes me so sad to have it gone; I worked HARD for that milk. But it also makes me happy. Doctors prescribe breastmilk for preemies and critically ill children so I know that, even thought it couldn't help Drew, it may be able to help another baby.

Had an uncomfortable situation today that was my doing. E. and I went to the store and she wanted to ride the little train that's by the door. A DARE officer had a display set up right across from the train so he, of course, approached us. That didn't bother me at all. They were selling Child ID cards, regular cost $85 selling them today for $30. He asked me if E. was my only child and I said no, that I had two. He said, "Well, you should get one for each of them." I just looked at him and said, "My son died 2 weeks ago." The poor guy looked like I'd just hit him. He said that his sister had died when they were children. I guess I need to think before blurting out what's on my mind. I should have just said, "No thank you." I have to remember that just because our life has been turned upside down and Drew's gone that the entire world doesn't automatically know, nor do they need to. I feel like they should know, I just want to scream sometimes, "MY SON IS GONE!! IT'S NOT RIGHT!"

Nighttime has always been my favorite time--I am such a night owl. I hate it now. That's when I'm alone with my thoughts and I just keep asking myself if we made the right decisions for Drew. When I had the option to terminate, I didn't. I don't regret that for a minute, that's not what bothers me. The main thing that bothers me is wondering if we'd left him on all of his meds and machines, would he have gotten better? I *know* the answer in my head (no, he would not have gotten better) but my heart wonders. I *know* how much damage his organs and tissues had but I *still* wonder.

That's what happens after Raymond and Elizabeth go to bed and I can't sleep. I get so tired but I can't sleep. I force myself to lay down and just lay there watching mindless television. Elizabeth seems to sense that I need her right now. Every night this week, she's come and gotten into bed with me fairly early (around midnight). She usually waits until about 6:00 a.m. to climb into bed with me. I'm telling you, she's a special child. :-) I really do ok during the day, Elizabeth keeps me so busy that I don't really have time to think like I do when it's silent and dark.

I attempted to make a slideshow of Drew's life, day by day. I hope that it works. We have so many pictures (but not enough, we'll never have enough) and while going through them all I think I experienced every emotion possible--joy, sadness, love, etc. I hope that you enjoy it.