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Friday, April 28, 2006

Regrets

Elizabeth and I watched all of the video of Drew that was taken when he was alive. I regret not getting so much more, what we have is just not enough. :( We watched Drew's funeral this evening as a family (Elizabeth acting as crazy as ever the entire time). It was a nice funeral. I need to write out a description of it at some point.

I said I wanted to get everything down while it's still fresh in my mind so that I won't forget. I don't think I'll ever forget anything, though. I've been going through the hundreds of pictures that we have of Drew and I can remember EXACTLY what was happening at the time I took each picture. I can remember each nurse that Drew had, how he was doing, etc. Sometimes I think that I'd like to forget but more often I hope that I don't.

There have been times I wake up thinking that we need to get ready so that we can go to the hospital and visit Drew. And then I remember. On Wednesday, E. and I were running around town, just some errands and I found myself actually driving to the highway to go to the hospital. When I realized what I was doing, I turned the car around and went to the cemetary. I didn't go to the cemetary today and now I feel guilty--mother's are good with guilt (about anything, everything and nothing), aren't they?

My milk was shipped to Ft. Worth on Tuesday. It makes me so sad to have it gone; I worked HARD for that milk. But it also makes me happy. Doctors prescribe breastmilk for preemies and critically ill children so I know that, even thought it couldn't help Drew, it may be able to help another baby.

Had an uncomfortable situation today that was my doing. E. and I went to the store and she wanted to ride the little train that's by the door. A DARE officer had a display set up right across from the train so he, of course, approached us. That didn't bother me at all. They were selling Child ID cards, regular cost $85 selling them today for $30. He asked me if E. was my only child and I said no, that I had two. He said, "Well, you should get one for each of them." I just looked at him and said, "My son died 2 weeks ago." The poor guy looked like I'd just hit him. He said that his sister had died when they were children. I guess I need to think before blurting out what's on my mind. I should have just said, "No thank you." I have to remember that just because our life has been turned upside down and Drew's gone that the entire world doesn't automatically know, nor do they need to. I feel like they should know, I just want to scream sometimes, "MY SON IS GONE!! IT'S NOT RIGHT!"

Nighttime has always been my favorite time--I am such a night owl. I hate it now. That's when I'm alone with my thoughts and I just keep asking myself if we made the right decisions for Drew. When I had the option to terminate, I didn't. I don't regret that for a minute, that's not what bothers me. The main thing that bothers me is wondering if we'd left him on all of his meds and machines, would he have gotten better? I *know* the answer in my head (no, he would not have gotten better) but my heart wonders. I *know* how much damage his organs and tissues had but I *still* wonder.

That's what happens after Raymond and Elizabeth go to bed and I can't sleep. I get so tired but I can't sleep. I force myself to lay down and just lay there watching mindless television. Elizabeth seems to sense that I need her right now. Every night this week, she's come and gotten into bed with me fairly early (around midnight). She usually waits until about 6:00 a.m. to climb into bed with me. I'm telling you, she's a special child. :-) I really do ok during the day, Elizabeth keeps me so busy that I don't really have time to think like I do when it's silent and dark.

I attempted to make a slideshow of Drew's life, day by day. I hope that it works. We have so many pictures (but not enough, we'll never have enough) and while going through them all I think I experienced every emotion possible--joy, sadness, love, etc. I hope that you enjoy it.

8 comments:

baby Jackson said...

He is beautiful, Jana. I can not begin to tell you how much I think of you and wish I had something I could say. You are an amazing strong person. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers and always will be.
Love
Kimberly

Anonymous said...

Jana what a beautiful and touching tribute to your most precious son Drew. I have tears streaming down my cheeks and they are tears for your broken heart. Thankyou for sharing your most intimate and personal photos.


Robyn

Anonymous said...

I feel so badly for you and your family. It is very hard thing to go through. I lost a baby at 22 wks along - she lived 8 hours. I was able to get pictures and meet her so please be thankful for every day and every minute you got to spend with your precious baby boy. Don't ever regret anything. Any decision. I always beleive that there is Someone higher that determines our path in life and it doesn't help to ask why but accept it. Every circumstance changes you and makes You, You. And this you will effect the whole world. If you had a healthy baby, you would not be another voice for other babies with Drew's condition. Maybe that is why this all happened. Just turn everything over to the Lord and he will guide you and you will feel a whole lot better. You are not alond through all this. It is hard to beleive but each day it will get better. It never totally heals but it will get better. Take care and God bless you and your family.

Dawn G said...

Simply beautiful Jana. You made all the right decisions at all the right times. You know that, I know that, and God knows that. You have a beautiful family with even more beautiful and caring hearts.

We love you!

April said...

That was beautiful Jana.

Shawna said...

The slideshow is just beautiful Jana! Very touching and such a wonderful way to show what a miraculous spirit he is. He is such a beautiful baby and the pictures of him with eyes open, you can just see in his eyes how special he is and always will be. Your words always touch to very depth of my heart, your's and Raymond's strength is so inspiring. Please don't question whether you made the right choices Jana, you did everything right. You chose to give Drew a life and that is so amazing in and of itself! You and Raymond helped Drew fight such a hard battle and you knew when Drew had endured enough. You have done the most selfless things imaginable and please don't ever question that! You had 39 beautiful days with your gorgeous baby boy and one day, you'll be together again. Always know that he is always with you, even though he's not here in the physical life, he hears you when you talk to him, he is always by your side. I just know it! I'm sure you will always see Drew in Ellie's beautiful face as they looked so much alike, and count that as a blessing. Ellie is so amazing and I am so glad she is being such a help in your greiving. You truly are blessed though it may not feel like it at times. You, Raymond, and Buggie are always in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Love and Hugs,
Shawna and family

lisawj said...

I found this blog by accident - but your story and your son have truely touched me. i am so so sorry for your loss. i am crying uncontrolably, as a mother who has no actual idea how hard it would be to go thru what you have gone thru. i will give my daughters an extra squeeze in the morning. and i will go to bed tonight thinking of that beautiful angel, Drew. He was so precious. you are so strong. - lisa

DingALing said...

Hi there, I hope it's okay to post on this entry :)
I want to tell you how much your story touched me in a way I cannot explain.
We don't know one another as I mostly lurk at bf.com but I feel now that I know you.
Drew is a gorgeous little man, I wish you peace and happiness with your up coming birth. :)
R.I.P Drew. †