Sunday, April 30, 2006


I think that I'll post my account of Drew's last day sometime tonight, I don't know though. I need to re-read it and I don't know if I want to right now. I WILL post it at some point if I don't get to it tonight.

When I was pregnant with Drew, I found the following saying in someone's signature on a message board. I didn't note who had it but I really like it:

"I remember before I had children I thought there was nothing worse than having a child die before you... Now I know that's not true. Not having them in your life at all would be worse."

We went to the cemetary today and put two angels on Drew's grave. Still haven't decided on a headstone but I'm determined that we'll at least settle on the type and design by the end of the week. I don't like him out there without a proper headstone.

I updated Elizabeth's website this evening. Check it out if you get a chance. I can't believe how much she's growing. She's such a *funny* child. She's ALWAYS talking, Raymond has said that she's going to do color commentary or something when she grows up!

Many of you know that I have tattoos. I like my tattoos. How ironic that we ended up in the only state where tattooing is illegal (for now, hopefully not much longer). Luckily, we go to Kansas and Texas fairly frequently. Now that I'm not pregnant or nursing, I can go get my babies names tattooed somewhere. One of my friends designed these 4 tattoos for me, I haven't yet decided on where or how large it will be. There is a halo around the "D" in Drew's name that I'll get in gold. Cast your vote on which one you like.

Also, here are 2 x-rays of Drew's torso. It's pretty clear, even without my comments added, how different they are pre- and post-surgery. I think it's interesting.



I finally organized and moved the two cartons of Drew's stuff up to his room. His possessions consist of two cartons, how sad is that? :( Well, that's not exactly true. Once I take down his room/crib decorations it will be more but I don't want to do that right now. I like having his stuff still up, it comforts me. Raymond is going to make a wooden chest just for Drew's things.

I guess we've all but decided that we will have another child in the future. We talked about it a bit today and both seem to agree that we will at some point. Sometimes I think that I want another one right now because my arms just feel so empty. But more often I know this is not what I want. Even though no child can ever replace Drew, I wouldn't want any child that we have to think that that's even a possibility, if that makes sense.

I'm also a bit, ok hugely, terrified of becoming pregnant again, partly for selfish reasons (my body really hates PG and Drew's was difficult) but mostly because I'm scared of something being wrong with our next child. I know that there's only a 2% chance that any subsequent children we have would have CDH but that 2% looks pretty big in my mind. Not to mention everything else that can go wrong. I thought the world was ending when E. had bad jaundice and had to live in a box with home healthcare for a few days. Now I know differently. And that's just assuming that I can get pregnant again. So you see, I'm certainly *not* ready now or anytime in the near future.


Christina said...

Hi Jana,

I just wanted to vote on the Heart with your babies names in it for the tattoo. I think it's beautiful.

Emma said...

I think tattoo 1 or 2, because then you can add another name in the future and it not look 'odd' if you do the one with the heart, it would be hard to add too.

JMO. Of course ;)

Shawna said...

I vote number one except I'd flip the names to go in birth order. I like the saying under it, gives the tat more meaning. :) ((HUGS))