Monday, May 08, 2006

2 months today

Happy birthday my little buddy boy! Drew would have been 2 months old today. Needless to say, it's been a rough day. Elizabeth and I spent most of it outside blowing bubbles, drawing with chalk, doing yardwork and just having fun so that helped.

How about some good news now? If you haven't been keeping up with Baby Sofia, you really should. She's is doing amazingly well and is off of her vent!! I'm so glad to see a CDH baby doing so well. :) I know that her mommy and daddy, Catherine and Ivan, are so happy and relieved.

Baby Audrey and Baby Jackson seem to be holding their own. Please continue to pray for them. I have added a lot of new links off to the side for more CDH kids and angels. Baby Parker is due in June! Reading each story brings up a lot of emotions--joy, sadness, anger (that this condition doesn't get any attention), etc. One thing all of these children have in common are amazing families. Check out their stories when you have the time, I guarantee each one will touch your heart.

There are a couple of things that I dread every day. I dread checking the mail and driving, or even looking at, my van. Those seem like strange things to dislike but there it is.

I hate checking the mail because not a day goes by that I don't receive something from Babies 'R Us, Gerber, a formula company (wouldn't need that anyway--my babies are strictly breastfed), the list goes on and on. It's just a constant reminder of what is missing from our lives. If you don't know, they get your name from places like Motherhood Maternity when you're pregnant and just trying to purchase clothing. That bothered me even when I was pregnant with Elizabeth; I just don't care for that marketing strategy.

I'm ambivalent about the van because the primary reason we purchased it in January was in anticipation of Drew riding in it. That and it was getting extremely difficult for me to get Elizabeth in and out of our SUV with my huge belly! We even placed E.'s carseat behind the driver's seat so that I would be able to see Drew in the rearview mirror. I guess I need to move her over so that I can see her a bit better now because everytime I look in my mirror, I see an empty seat and it makes me want to cry (and does make me cry much of the time).

Lauren, Avery's mommy, wrote in her blog that, "Avery's whole life Seems like a dream to me because she never got to come home." I feel like that a lot of the time too. If I didn't have the stretch marks and incision from my c-section, I could swear that this entire process and Drew's short life was a dream. I'm so glad that we had the time with him that we did but, at times, it just seems surreal. I miss him so much.

With both of my pregnancies, I honestly had no preference as to whether they were boys or girls. All we ever wanted were healthy babies. I have read about and heard about people beind "devastated" when they don't get the sex that they prefer and it's always baffled me. We just really and truly never did care. If we do have another child, I won't be "devastated" if we have a girl (I just REALLY don't get that mindset) but I really want another little boy. Now that I've said that out loud, I know that I'll have a girl, if we are lucky enough to have another child in the future. :) And be perfectly happy if we do because now I truly know the meaning of only wanting a healthy baby.

I was so protective of Drew (as was Raymond, that should go without saying). We shielded him from visitors aside from immediate family--grandparents, aunts and uncles and great-grandparents. We never even had a list of approved visitors. Any visitor had to be accompanied by one of us and we agreed ahead of time who would be allowed back to see him. We were always questioning the doctors and nurses about what they were doing to him and why. I tried to protect him as hard as I could, isn't that a mothers job?! But I couldn't protect him and save him and I have to live with that guilt every second of every day.

I *know* that nothing that I did caused his condition but I still feel like it's my fault that he had CDH and that he's not here. My body failed him. I failed him as a mother. I know that these thoughts aren't logical but I have them and it sucks. All I ever wanted was for him to be ok.

He was truly *my* buddy boy. He had my personality and temperment. Elizabeth is about as different from me as one could be. I don't love one more than the other but I was so looking forward to not being outnumbered in our house (in the personality department). And I think that Raymond was looking forward to having another male in the house--even our animals are female.

I know that I'm not making a lot of sense right now, my mind is just jumbled. I ordered a book that someone on Breath of Hope recommended, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby" to help me understand and deal with my emotions. It should be here soon. How funny that even in times of crisis I turn to books (I love, love, love to read more than just about anything and always have).

I'm working on a website for Drew, a place to record his story. I'll post a link as soon as it's done.

How about a couple of cute Elizabeth stories? Last night, she was up in her room after her bedtime and started screaming, "Mommy kiss it! Mommy kiss it!" over and over. I went up there to see what hurts (I always kiss her owies) and when I asked her she pulled up her shirt, pointed to her belly button and said, "Tummy, Mommy. Kiss my tummy. It hurts very bad." So I kissed her tummy a few times and Daddy came up to help and she went back to sleep. I like moments like that--we were able to make her feel better with just kisses.

She was in top form today, into everything! She snagged my cell phone and started making phone calls. She called one of my friends twice and kept pusing buttons. Elizabeth sauntered into the room where I was and I heard my friend saying, "Elizabeth, can you put your Mommy on the phone?" I was so embarrassed; I didn't even know that she had my phone and there she was making prank phone calls! Luckily my friend has children and found it amusing (thanks Shawna). Then the tantrum ensued when I took the phone away from her. Two and a half is such a fun age sometimes! Read that however you wish--it really IS fun sometimes and then it's "fun" at other times. :)


mom2brandoncdh said...

Jana, my heart and prayers are with you and your family. My son had CDH also.

Anonymous said...

I read through your blog for the first time today. My heart goes out to your family. I pray that you will find comfort and strength.
~Melissa, St. Louis, MO

Shawna said...

I am so sorry Jana that you are having these feelings of guilt. I know that you know in your heart that this was not your fault and you did everything humanly possible to protect him and keep him here, I just wish your head would listen so you didn't have to feel this. What you and Raymond did for Drew is so amazing and so selfless - giving him a chance to live, giving him so much unconditional love, doing everything you could to heal him, and knowing when to let him go. I can honestly say that I'm not so sure that I could be as strong as you are! You are such a wonderful person and I hate, hate, hate that this has happened and that you're in so much pain. I know so much of what I say seems odd or doesn't make sense, I don't know how to say what I really want to. But I also know that you know what it is and understand. I love you sweetie and I will call you very soon. I'm sorry I haven't called in awhile, things are crazy with this house stuff. Oh give Ellie a kiss from me and tell her thanks for calling me, that made my day! :)

Huge hugs,