Thursday, May 04, 2006

Another post

I’ve been in a funk for the past few days; I guess dreary weather along with everything else will do that to you. I can’t stand the thought of it raining on Drew’s grave, even though I know how irrational that is. It just bothers me.

I got his temporary grave marker on Monday and put it at his gravesite. While Elizabeth and I were there, we met another mother who lost her son in January. He lived only one day. They had noticed Drew’s grave (her son is located fairly close to Drew) and she wanted us to know that complete strangers had been praying for us and thinking about us. We talked about what is the hardest for us and whoever thought that kidneys were such important organs. Her son’s kidneys did not form and Drew’s shut down—you just don’t think about how vital they are. We also talked about how we sleep and hold onto our Sare Bears, a teddy bear that the hospital gave us so that we wouldn’t have to leave with empty arms. Not the same as leaving with your child but it is such a wonderful gesture and remembrance. Anyway, it was really nice, for lack of a better word, to speak to another mother who lost her baby. She made the comment that we’re part of the same unfortunate club now. How true.

I also got Drew’s death certificate on Monday. I have it sitting here beside his birth certificate and it depresses me. I know that I’m transferring my grief to two pieces of paper. As Amanda (Connor’s mommy) told me, things that you don’t expect to make you sad will and things you thought you would have a hard time with will be easy.

I guess just seeing him “officially” dead on a government document is what hits hard. And would you believe that they got his age wrong? They said he was 31 days old but at the bottom of the form, the part the hospital filled out, it says “5 weeks”; he was 40 days old. At some point I’m going to have to have that corrected because it REALLY bothers me but I just don’t want to deal with it right now.

The form that the doctor signed for cause of death only listed cardiac and renal failure. On Drew’s death certificate, the things listed are:

Immediate cause of death (sequentially list conditions leading to a): a) respiratory failure, b) renal failure, c) pulmonary hypertension

Underlying cause: left diaphragmatic hernia

When Elizabeth was born, I sent away to the White House to get a birth acknowledgement. Regardless of my personal opinions of our President’s performance (ha!), I thought it would be nice to have for Elizabeth’s baby book. I got it and it’s in there. So I sent away for one shortly after Drew’s birth. It arrived today, addressed to him. Kind of pointless now, isn’t it?

We received a card from our local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, a support group for families that have lost a child. That was very nice to get. I don’t think I’m ready for something like that yet but I will be one of these days. I’m glad that a group like this exists but it also makes me sad that there’s a need for it.

Not much else is going on here, just trying to get on with life. Elizabeth woke up with a croupy cough this morning but after she was up and around for a bit, that went away. Now she’s sneezing and coughing (regular sounding) and has a runny nose. In other words, she’s coming down with a slight cold. It’s not slowing her down though, so I know it’s not bad!

We went to Gymboree today and it was fun, as always, even though E.’s buddy Jake (and my buddy, Chelsea) was absent. The kids in her class are so darn cute and they are all so sweet, not to mention the staff. There was a fairly young infant in a carrier. It felt like a shot to the heart when I looked up and saw a young baby. All I could think was that Drew should have been there with us. And then Elizabeth started running around like a maniac and I followed her and the pain from seeing a baby was forced out of my mind. Unexpected situations like the one above are the ones that surprise me the most I guess. Seeing baby boys is VERY difficult right now but I know that it will fade with time.

Oh, and good news. Oklahoma has finally caught up with the other 49 states—tattooing is now legal. Raymond called me at 8:30 this morning to tell me the good news. :-)


funkyjunkie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our pregnancy at 21wks almost 6 months ago (she was due 4/08/06). My thoughts are with you.

Jenn said...


I am so very sorry... Again, nothing I say will stop your pain but please know that my sister and I are praying for you everyday.
Please be strong.
I dont know what to say but ((((((HUGS)))))))


Shawna said...

Oh Jana, you made me cry again when you mentioned about it raining on Drew's grave. I hadn't really thought of how the weather would affect you with that but I can understand why it would now. That is so sweet that the hospital gives out Sare Bears. So sad that there is a need for them to have them, no baby should ever have to die and no parent should ever have to face that pain. But what a wonderful gesture on the hospital's part to do something to try to help! I'm sooooo sorry they messed up Drew's death certificate, I would be livid as well. That makes me mad for you!! On the other hand, yay about the tattooing becoming legal. You'll have to share pics when you get the beautiful new tat.

Much love, hugs, and prayers,
Shawna and family