Can I just scream?!

What the hell else can happen to our family?!

Last week, Raymond's vehicle was in the shop for repairs. Repair the expensive electric mirror that was demolished in the hit and run the Friday before Drew's death. Check. Problem with the PassLock security system fixed. Check. Thinking that all of that money would fix the problems with the car. WRONG!

Raymond's car was back in the shop yesterday and today to replace the freaking fuel pump. The damn thing had better work now since we've sunk a ton of money into it on top of paying for a funeral and medical expenses. And Elizabeth's Gymboree class for the summer. Please hope that nothing else that costs anything will happen to us for a long time, this SUCKS. It's all being paid but it puts a strain where no more is needed.

Anyway, Elizabeth and I saw my doctor today. Elizabeth because she had some bug bites that got very swollen, red and hot to the touch. I was very concerned about infection. When I say swollen, I mean larger than a golf ball. They didn't seem to bother her and I'm not normally the type of mother who freaks out over everything but after Drew, well, you get the picture. I had a doctor's appointment anyway so I called and asked if they would see her while I was there instead of trying her doctor. They could so off we went. E. is fine, no infection, just a bad reaction to whatever bit her (3 times). It just set my mind at ease to hear it from a medical professional (sorry Raymond, I know that you knew it was nothing but I'm not taking any chances).

Now for my visit. I got a referral for counseling and some medication. Since I'm not sleeping, she prescribed a mild sleeping pill. I guess I'll try it tonight and see if it will help because I really do need to get more rest. I feel horrible because I'm exhausted all the time.

She prescribed me an anti-depressant in a controlled release form. It's shallow, I know, but I voiced my concerns about the weight gain that some medications can cause. I'm down exactly 40 pounds from the day Drew was born and I like that. I don't want to go back up, only down some more. She said the CR form does not have that side effect, or it's not as extreme. I can go along with that and at least try it for a while. She also prescribed Xanex for more immediate relief to take when I feel anxiety or whatever. It's not a regular thing for me to take. That's a lot of stuff for someone who doesn't like to take medication!

So maybe in a while I'll be more like myself again, I don't know. I'll certainly never be the same but maybe I can keep from bursting into tears in public and freaking people out. Or making inappropriate comments to complete strangers. I don't need to share my son with them, but I still have a hard time knowing what to say to certain casual comments/questions. Maybe with all of this Elizabeth can stop telling me, "Mommy, don't be sad," every single day.

Elizabeth and I were talking last night and she told me, "Drew's not gone." She said it a few times and it just broke my heart. She doesn't fully comprehend death but she has some understanding. A few days ago she said, "Drew's dead like Casey (dog)?" I told her yes and that was that for the moment.

When I told her that we were going to see the doctor today, she told me that she didn't want to go see Baby Drew's doctors, they worked hard but Drew's dead. So on some level she gets some of it. I just tried to reassure her that Drew dying had nothing to do with seeing the doctors. Sometimes doctors can make you better but Baby Drew was very, very sick and no one could make him better, not even all of his band-aids (band-aids heal in her mind). And that we weren't going to see Baby Drew's doctors, just Mommy's doctor. I tried to keep it simple and she seemed to accept the explanation.

When the doctor was listening to E.'s heart, E. said, "My Baby Drew's heart stopped beating. He was very, very sick and now he's dead. He lives in the cemetary." Thankfully the doctor is a wonderful woman and didn't just ignore E. but talked to her about it a little bit. I just feel like I die a little inside everytime E. says something like that because she shouldn't have to be dealing with the death of a sibling.

But the majority of the time, Elizabeth is my salvation. She's such an unbelievably happy child! She finds joy in anything and everything and transfers that to me, or tries to! She's truly our little blessing.