Tuesday, June 27, 2006

We're here

Elizabeth and I made it to TX yesterday. What a long boring drive it is on I-40. E. slept a lot of the way which was good because otherwise, she talks the ENTIRE 4.5 hours! I don't talk all that much but she just goes on and on and on... It's cute most of the time but 4.5 hours of non-stop talking makes me tired! It was so funny, when we got here, she noticed that Grandmama and Granddaddy had gotten her a nice, new wooden playset. A "parking place" as she calls them (parking place=parks). THEN she noticed the $4.00 plastic Nemo chair and that's all that she wanted. She carries the darn thing around the house, even trying to take it to bed with her. What a character!

Yesterday was such a hard day for me. With E. sleeping, it was quiet in the van and I had nothing to do but think and of course my thoughts were on Drew. I cannot get over those damn "what-ifs" and "did we do the right things?" I don't think that I will ever get over them. :( I didn't help matters by listening to 2 CD's that I'd burned with songs that remind me of Drew. I burned one back in January while I was still pregnant. I always knew that he would die...the very first song on that CD is "Who You'd Be Today." Then the song I had played at his funeral, "You Raise Me Up." The other CD I burned while he was in the hospital but it's no less cheery. I shed a lot of tears on the drive out here.

I also shed a lot of tears last night while talking to my mother. I wish that I could be sure that the hell we put him through was worth it. Drew experienced things that would bring an adult to their knees; an adult probably wouldn't have survived as long as he did. I wouldn't trade the 5 weeks we had with him for anything because we got to know his personality (and he had a strong one!) and to see some smiles.

When he was born, his hair was almost black. By the time he died, just 5 short weeks later, it had lightened considerably and was more the shade of my hair. It was also receding in the same way his Daddy's is (sorry babe!). Probably a combination of stress and the normal thing that many babies go through. I don't know why that's sticking out in my mind right now. I guess because I was looking at the pictures of him in the funeral home before we left Oklahoma and his hair color just stood out to me.

I wonder if his eyes would have changed color like E.'s did. She had big, dark blue/gray eyes for the first year and a half of her life and now they're hazel. Drew's eyes were more dark gray than blue but they did have some blue in them. They were just beautiful.

I made a slideshow of Elizabeth from before birth to this point and it's really kind of scary how much she and Drew resembled each other. I'll post the slideshow on her website in a week or so, whenever I find the time to update it. She's my big girl now and that makes me sad. She's as tall as a normal 4-year old but she's not even 3 yet. Why do kids have to grow up?! Eh, I want her to grow up just to see what she turns out doing with her life! She's one cool kid, let me tell you. She has PERSONALITY to spare!

We were at the hospital all day today and she did pretty good. Well, very good considering that we were there from about 10:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. She just doesn't understand the concept of an inside voice though. We're working on it...

I have to interject with a cute E. story right now. You'll love it! The first IV stick didn't take for Dad and his arm immediately started to swell up and form a hematoma. E. was watching everything going on and when the nurse got the IV in on the second time, she said, "My arm's broken." WHAT?! I must have turned 10 shades of red. I just knew that they were going to think I was beating my child or something! Then the little toot repeated, "My arm is broken! Like Granddaddy's." Whew! She was commiserating with her Granddaddy, hehe! So we were all laughing and the nurse brought her a band-aid for her "broken arm." E. wanted it on her knee! She told us later that her broken arm was better.

My dad had surgery on his shoulder today to remove a huge (according to the surgeon) bone spur, repair a torn rotator cuff and repair a torn tendon. They had to actually cut him open and couldn't do it with the scope. :( We expected that but he's going to hurt for a while. I just really hope that it will get rid of his pain. My father does not EVER complain about anything but this has been hurting him. I heard him cry out in his sleep last night in pain.

The surgeon seemed to think that the surgery went well and they were able to repair everything. He did ok with the anesthesia but had to stay overnight so he and Mom are at the hospital tonight. I worry about my dad, this is his third surgery in four years. Please keep him in your thoughts, he's used to working with his hands and his dominant hand will be immobile for quite a while.

E. didn't really like going to the hospital. Can't say that I blame her. But when they put Dad on the gurney to take him back, she got very still and quiet, which is VERY unusual for her. She just stared and I think she was on the verge of tears. She kept asking, "Where Grandaddy, Mommy?" Poor little thing was worried and she knows that Drew didn't get to leave the hospital alive. I'm going to get her up there tomorrow to see him so that she will know that he's ok.

My aunt and uncle from Arizona few in today and we got to spend time with them and my Grandma. It was really nice, I enjoyed talking to my Aunt Cathy. She and Vern are the new grandparents--Julie (my cousin) and Joe are the ones who had Jayden last month. It's so funny what grandchildren do to people! Cathy's also a nurse so we talked a lot about Drew and his medical issues.

At times like this, it's just nice to know that you have family that cares about you and I'm lucky to have a large extended family! As well as Raymond's family who I love like my own. Even though we suffered the loss of Drew, we have family and friends that that truly care and that helps a lot. Even complete strangers--the outpouring that I've received from people once considered strangers, now considered friends, has been nothing short of incredible. Drew's life had great purpose.

Please keep all of the CDH babies and their families in your thoughts and prayers, I've never known such a courageous group of people.

With that, I'm done rambling and waxing sentimental for now. :D Going to go cuddle up with my little Bug.


Kathy McC said...

Hope your dad is doing okay. Sounds like painful stuff! Enjoy curling up with your little girl...sounds like it's the best medicine for both of you right now. (((hugs)))

Shawn C said...

Wishing your dad a speedy recovery. Who knows...when E grows up, maybe she'll be an auctioneer!! Sounds like she could sell snow to an Eskimo! The fast talking would help! LOL

Carole said...

Your dad is definetly in my prayers. I hope he has a quick and speedy recovery.

I think that you made all the right decisions with Drew. This is something I am struggling with right now...putting Joseph through all this. But I really feel I have to...I guess I feel that I'm giving him a chance.

My heart really breaks for you. Please know that I'm thinking of you.


Anonymous said...

Hey, are you guys going to make it to Dallas? let me know!

Tasha said...

Hi, Jana!
I haven't been online as much lately (I have a 1 year old that recently started walking and is taking up a lot of time)so I am sort of playing catch up on your blog. Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I love the new website you designed. It is awesome! You have been doing so many great things with the book donations and the website. It is great that you are doing so many positive things in the midst of this tragedy.

I hope your dad is feeling okay and I am sorry that it scared Elizabeth! She sure is a wonderful sounding child. I know she must keep you sane sometimes! Anyway, I am glad to see that things are coming together with the books and everything but I am sorry that you have had it so rough with the what ifs. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily and we've never even met!

Hugs and prayers,

Emel and Aytekin said...

We wish the best for your dady. We hope he will get well soon. You all are in our prayers.