Friday, October 06, 2006

Elizabeth and the future

Elizabeth really breaks my heart sometimes. :( I've been so impressed with how she has dealt with Drew's death but I think that it may be catching up with her now. Yesterday was her day at "school." We've had some issues with the drop-off process and crying but she's getting better. I got a call yesterday about 30 minutes before I was going to pick her up. She had woken up from her nap crying, inconsolable, and told her teacher, "Mommy's dead. She's never coming back." I spoke to her on the phone and rushed out to get her, crying the entire way. When I got there she had calmed down but almost knocked me over when she ran to me. So I lied to her, something that I don't like to do but at this age, I feel that she needs to know that I won't die. I told her that I would NEVER die and leave her. Maybe I've been handling things wrong, I don't know. Maybe she needs to see a child psychologist. I just don't know. She seems to be ok now but she really broke my heart yesterday.

The future has been on my mind a lot lately. We live in a college town. Last weekend I was driving by the college and just started crying. It really hit me that Drew will never go to college. We will never know what he might have done with his life. It just makes me incredibly sad. Heck, we never even really got to hear his voice aside from 2 very weak cries upon birth. I keep stumbling across revelations like that that make things seem so much more difficult. What would he have sounded like? Acted like? Would he have married and had children of his own? It's so hard to comprehend that we've lost out on an entire future and the joy of watching your child grow up. And that's such a great joy. Watching E. grow and change makes me so happy. I suppose it's something that will be with me forever.

I got my early anniversary present this week (it will be 10 years in December!). We're so practical. Did I get jewelery or something like that? Nope, and it's not what I would have wanted either. I got a great new laptop! I'm in the process of transferring everything over to this computer. It's a lot of work but I love this darn thing. I never realized how much I missed my old laptop until I got this one. Thank you, Raymond! And to show that *I'm* so darn romantic, R.'s present is going to be a recliner, hehe! He already know that I am going to get him one and I wouldn't pick it out without his input. Maybe we've been married too long...nah, the greatest gift he's given me is our children. Nothing beats that. Love you, Babe!

Shawna made me this beautiful collage! I've been meaning to get it up here but my mind has been in the clouds lately. Thank you so much, Shawna!

Speaking of where my mind has been, I've been kind of MIA online. I just have not felt like answering e-mails or anything. I can't explain why, I just haven't. But I'm coming out of my funk so I'll be in touch with everyone soon.

News on this pregnancy...nothing much to report. I'm not quite as physically ill with this one as with the previous two but I'm much more tired. I'm out of the first trimester now but exhaustion is still keeping me down. I see my doctor again on the 16th. I feel the baby move every once in a while, usually when I'm laying down trying to sleep. If it keeps this up, I can say it's like Drew was! He was most active when I wanted to sleep. E. actually slept at night.

The 16th is going to be a big day for us. Aside from my doctor's appointment, R. is having a nose job. :P He's had nose issues for years and the only way to fix it is surgically. So that morning, he'll go under the knife. I really hope it helps him, poor guy. He just cannot breathe through his nose, it seems to have gotten progressively worse over time. At 8:30 that morning, he will have the surgery. Please keep him in your thoughts, this can't be a pleasant thing to undergo.

The quilt I'm working on is going ok. I work on it when I have the urge but I have quite a few other crafty projects going on at the same time. I jump from one to another. Below is an example of a cowboy square (they alternate with cowgirl squares). It's going to be so darn cute if I do say so myself.

I'm off now because I'm tired (surprise, surprise).


Shawn C said...

That quilt will be gorgeous! I'm sorry E is having a difficult time. It must be just as hard on you watching her.

Prayers and good wishes to your whole family.

Carola Thornton said...

I have two daughters that at E's age never went through what she has, with a sibling dying. We owned and ran an Exotic Wildlife Farm and both of mine were around death alot, with the animals (which I know is not exactly the same). Both, at different ages and not as young as E, have gone through the same thing as she did, thinking I had died and wouldn't be back. In my daughters cases, I think it was as much a seperation from mom in a new environment thing, as it is knowing what death is as E does. After a few days of getting used to the new environment and seeing that I was going to come get her every day, each settled down into the routines of the new experience. Even though my daughters had stayed the night with family and had spent time with their cousins, there was just something different about the school experience. These are my thoughts and I just wanted to share this experience hoping it might help. God Bless.

Emma said...

I dont know how I would deal with that kind of 'death' talk, especially at E's age. I think reassurance for her is what she needs right now and you did a good job there. She's so precious! I love the quilt, you are very clever. Thinking of you ALWAYS, you wouldnt believe how many times a day I think of you, Drew, E and Raymond. Many hugs! Emma.