Thursday, September 28, 2006

Ugh, too much going on

I've been meaning to write this before now but life has a way of catching up with me. I have entirely too many things going on right now. I don't know why I do this to myself, I'm just like my mother--a million things going on at once and no time for anything else. Add to that my pregnancy induced exhaustion and sickness and life is going too fast right now. An active 3 year old doesn't help matters! She's at "school" right now and I have a break in between loads of laundry so here goes.

I get very upset sometimes that life continues on even though Drew isn't here. At times, I feel as though the world should stop because his life did. I'm still having a difficult time reconciling this pregnancy with his death. If he had not died, this baby probably wouldn't exist. How do you come to terms with that?! And Elizabeth isn't helping matters. The other day she told me, "I don't want a new baby! I want my Baby Drew!" :( She also goes back and forth thinking that it's still Drew in Mommy's tummy but how can that be when Drew is in the cemetery? She's forcing me to face some things that I could have easily lived without ever facing. I guess that's good. Another thing, yesterday I had to break out the maternity clothing. *sigh* I still just look fat but oh well. And I feel the baby move every so often. That made me happy but then I went back to my pregnancy with Drew and thinking the entire time that he was moving that he could die after birth. Ugh.

I have discovered the bad thing about burying Drew under a beautiful tree--bird poop. Birds are pooping all over his headstone and it upsets me more than it should (a combination of grief and hormones, I'm sure). I'm just going to start carrying around a "poop" rag in the car to keep wiping it off. Who knew that bird poop could send you over the edge?

I want to congratulate Lacey and Jason on the birth of their beautiful daughter Emercyn Jacie. Elizabeth looks at her pictures and says, "Mommy, that baby has lots of hair and fluffy cheeks like me!" Congratulations guys, I hope that you're all adjusting to your new life together.

Last weekend we went to the horseraces and to the fair (again!). I'd never been to horseraces and neither had E. It was so much fun! E. keeps asking to go back but I think that we lost enough money to last for a while. The fair is always fun and we were there for about 8 hours this time! E. is now in love with fair rides. I'm very surprised that she did so well going on them by herself. She will usually hang back from activities that she's not familiar with and wants Mommy or Daddy to go with her the first few times. Then, when she's comfortable, off she goes! She just climbed on the rides and had a blast this year. She's so fun to watch when she's not whining, hehe!

I'm undertaking a new venture for this baby. I cross-stitched E. a Noah's Ark blanket and I was working on Drew's Beatrix Potter blanket when he died. (I've since set it aside, it's too hard to work on right now.) I knew that I'd never get a blanket cross-stitched in time for this baby so I'm making a quilt. Yikes! I've never done ANY quilting before. But I'm finding myself really enjoying it. We are going to do the nursery in vintage cowboys/cowgirls and that's what the quilt is. It is going to be so cute when I finish it! I'll post pictures when I think of it.

Speaking of the nursery, I don't think men have a clue. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know. I was talking about nursery themes a few weeks ago and R. looked at me strangely and said, "We have a nursery full of bedding that hasn't been used." I was stunned. That was DREW'S bedding, no one elses. That will be going into his trunk when it's done. I had picked out all of that nursery stuff specifically for Drew, not another baby. Raymond's just practical like that but I got him to agree to new bedding when I said cowboys/cowgirls. :) I know how to work him, haha! (Yeah right, no one works R. unless he wants to be worked. I think he just wants a happy wife who doesn't go crazy over bedding. Smart man.)

And just a litte rant over TV shows. Well, not really a rant, just a wish that will never come true. I wish that they would put a warning at the beginning of shows about death and/or sick babies. I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy last week before the premire and Denny died. I knew that but when they showed him, the coloring was so real that I lost it. Drew was that color after his death (truthfully, before death from lack of oxygen as well). So there was that. Then I'm an idiot and watched ER. Oh my. Abby had her baby early and it has pulmonary hypertension. I heard those words and lost it again. Then I became critical and thought, "That baby wouldn't be that large, would have many more tubes and probably wouldn't be moving around that much." So now I know to expect a sick child tonight if I watch ER but I don't know if I can watch it. Maybe one day things like that won't affect me quite so much but I'm not sure.

And with that, the dryer just stopped so I'm back to laundry.


Lauren said...

I just wnated to say that I am with you, Jana, on the poop rag for the cemetery. That's how I spent Avery's 6 the bird poop off of her headstone. I totally understand why it upsets you.

And don't watch ER tonight. They've already shown the previews that Abby and Luca's baby is going to be the main event. I watched it last week too, and it was all too familiar. I said I wouldn't watch again this week, but somehow I know I won't be able to stop myself. I know their baby will be ok, and for some reason, I need to see the happy ending to all of this.

Glad to see an update from you. I missed them! Thinking of you, Drew, Raymond and Elizabeth...and new little baby ? all of the time!

Love Lauren

Anonymous said...

hey jana, good to see a post, i have missed you, i love reading your blogs and miss you on parents cafe, you are a breathe of fresh air to me and when i need a reality check i can count on your poetic words to help me out, you have helped me out so much the past year i can't even begin and i just wanted to tell you that i love you. tons of hugs to you all, lori josh and maddy

Shawn C said...


Drew is smiling down on you every day - I'm sure he's THRILLED about the little one!
It's funny how the course of life winds around us - we're never really sure where it'll go next (that's kinda the scary part!)but this little bundle was meant to be - and Drew is going to be a big brother!

Thinking of you and your family often.


Donna T said...

(((HUGS))) Jana!

Just wanted to add that Blakes room is done in Vintage cowboys and bucking Broncos and i love it! I think you have made a good choice :)

Silas Charles Kyne said...

Just a thought to chew on...
I was touched by the expression of your confused emotions about the new baby. You've been on my mind a great deal and I have been praying for peace for you, your family and the whole situation. Mostly I have been praying for excitment for this pregnancy and that darling little life inside you. Here is what has been on my heart:
This new baby is not here *instead* of Drew, this child is here *in addition* to Drew. Just as Drew was created with purpose and designed for eternity, so is this new little one. And whose to say, even if Drew had lived this little surprise may very well have come along anyway. This precious bundle is by no means your consolidation prize. Nothing and no one could ever take Drew's place. But instead this baby is a gift from God, separate from each of your other children, and complete in his/her own self.
With love and concern,
P.S. I've watched the slide show of Drew 4 times now and cry every time. He's such a beautiful child.