Monday, November 06, 2006


I'm in a mood tonight. I don't know exactly why but I'm sure that many things are contributing factors.

We spent last night in lovely Elk City, OK, because our entire family has been sick and a 4 hour drive was just too much for all of us to do at one time. E. was not being her usual good traveler--she was driving R. nuts--so we just stopped at a motel. Ivy, I didn't call while in TX because we were all so sick. Mine is pregnancy related but E. and R. have colds. It wasn't the most pleasant weekend but the event we attended was nice.

It was a fundraising dinner/silent auction in memory of a beautiful young woman who died in a traffic accident a few years ago. The proceeds fund a scholarship in her name. I think it's a wonderful thing that her family does this. This was the first year that we had attended. I left very early because 1) I was sick and 2) it was hard for me to be there remembering another lost child. Layne was older than Drew (she was a teenager) but the correlations were there nonetheless and I couldn't deal with it.

Something that I haven't written about before now is that I packed all of Drew's things away last week. I don't think that I've written about it anyway. Time seems to be very fluid right now and I can't remember what I've done and what I haven't. Anyway, what I had to do is still bothering me. Drew's entire life fits neatly into a wooden chest. I finally went through his closet for the first time since his death. Um, that was not an easy task. I just held the outfits that I had bought/received for him and cried and cried.

I held off on buying ANY outfits aside from 2 until after he was born. I bought one unisex outfit when I was about 8 weeks pregnant before knowing about Drew's condition. In January, I optimistically purchased a "coming home" outfit. Ha! It wouldn't have fit him if he'd gotten to come home. He was built like a little linebacker and anything smaller than about 6 months wouldn't have fit him at the end; at least 3 months at birth. But I digress.

When Drew came off of ECMO and was doing so well, I went on a shopping spree. (Hey, it was Gymbucks redemption time at Gymboree--my fellow freaks will understand the importance of that! I used A LOT of Gymbucks on Drew. All that I had. Poor E. got maybe one thing and I can't be sure that she got anything at all.) Shopping for boy clothing was such a refreshing change! I got some of the most adorable overall sets, sweaters, etc. Well, they're all sitting in a trunk now, tags still on, and that's where they'll stay.

I have to address some comments that I've gotten regarding Drew's clothing. I know they aren't meant to be hurtful but they are. I have heard and still hear a lot of, "You have a lot of boy clothes to give as gifts now!" Uh, no, I really don't. They were purchased for my son. If that's throwing away money, so be it. And no, I do not think that I could dress another baby in the clothes that I purchased for Drew. It's a psychological thing and I'm fully aware of this but it's rather callous to suggest that I give my dead son's clothing away when he hasn't even been gone a year. (Actually, the first comments came in when he'd been gone less than a week.) Please don't ever say something like that to anyone. I hold onto any and everything related to Drew that I can. Even clothing that he never had the chance to wear.

Told you that I was in a mood tonight.

I think the anticipation and anxiety of the upcoming ultrasound is getting to me. Well, I know that it is. It's Thursday at 10:00 a.m. And yes, I'm having the same feeling that I did with Drew; that something is wrong. But I can't trust that instinct this time around because I see something wrong everywhere now. With E. having a cold, I wake up at least 10-15 times a night to make sure that she is still breathing since she's stopped up. Shit, I don't know what's going on. I rarely feel this baby move. At this point with Drew, he was all over the place. With E., I didn't feel her until I actually saw her on the screen at the U/S. I don't want to care because what if something is wrong? What if, what if, what if...

I've got more to post but I don't want to right now. I'll try and get to it tomorrow or some other time this week.


Kathy McC said...

I wish you the best for your ultrasound! I understand that "something is wrong" feeling. I had it with Kameron and I was so worried, and he was just fine.

Speaking of Gymboree...I have a "circle of friends" 30% off coupon that I just got in my email box. I will forward it to you right now! :)

Catherine said...

You do what you have to do to make it through. And don't worry what other people say or think.

I'm wishing you all good wishes for your ultrasound. Try to stay calm and enjoy the time you get to share space with that precious baby.


Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) You do what you need to Drew's clothes and don't let any one tell you otherwise. You are the only one who knows what you need. I am praying for you and your ultrasound Thursday. Call if you need anything.

Lauren said...


I totally understand what you mean about the clothes. Even knowing Avery's condition, I 'optimistically' bought so many pink outfits. I have a closet full of them and I will never, ever get rid of them. I have had the same things said to me about giving them as gifts. I'm sorry that you, too, had to be offended by comments like that.

I'll be thinking of you on Thursday and praying that everything goes well. I can only imagine how nervous you must be, but I know that everything will be ok. I know that until you see that for yourself, you won't believe it...but I want so much for you to be happy. Good luck, Jana. You're always in my thoughts.

Love Lauren

V said...

You know, people just don't THINK sometimes. Sometimes even the nicest, most well-intentioned people can say the stupidest things without realising how hurtful they can be. I have had my fair share of this too.

I found that I was able to give some of Kendra's clothes away, maybe because I had so many and I was able to experience her wearing most of them. And I only gave them to close friends, one whose little girl was a few months younger than Kendra and one was a newborn. And it was clothes that she hadn't worn yet. I still have a lot of clothes and other baby stuff which I have packed into a few chests and just cannot bring myself to give away. I did sort out a few things to send to my SIL whose baby was born yesterday, but I will probably go through them again and keep more things.

Good luck with the ultra sound. I will be thinking of you all day Thursday.

Emma said...

HUGE HUGE HUGS Jana, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and praying everything is just PERFECT with this little baby.

Shawn C said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling 'blah.' Please know that I think of you often - very often, and wonder how you are. Sounds strange...I know how you are....but I am glad you update once in awhile to let us know.
I'll be praying for you every day - as I always do.

Anonymous said... "silly" (for lack of a better word) for someone to tell you to give away Drew's clothes as a gift. I would never THINK to do that. That's so terrible.
I'm sorry you are constatly surrounded by people who unintentionally hurt you. I'm always thinking of you.

<3 Lissette
P.S. missing you at MB2