CLICK HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Happy (early) New Year

I thought that I'd wish everyone a Happy New Year a bit early since I doubt that I'll get around to it anytime soon. R. and I are actually going to go out tomorrow night with my SIL and BIL. Not that I can drink or anything. I'm the default designated driver. What FUN!! I am allowed one glass of champagne but oh man, champagne is my FAVORITE. Hopefully this will be the last New Year that I'm ever pregnant. (Unless I get the baby twitch after I think that I'm done having kids...like I told R. today, it could very well happen!)

Today was a bad day for me. I don't have any idea why but I just woke up with Drew on my mind and could not let things go. I did a lot of crying today. I had every intention of going to a family celebration but I couldn't. I had my clothes all picked out and everything and then BAM! It hit me and I couldn't face everyone. I don't know how to describe or explain just how difficult it is to grieve a son that hasn't been gone even a year and at the same time feel another son kicking inside of you. I will never get used to that. I'm happy that Carson looks healthy but...there are just a lot of "buts" and "what ifs." My current biggest anxiety is what if Carson is born on the day that Drew died (you know, his actual due date) at the exact same time that Drew died. Not likely at all but strange stuff has been happening ever since Drew entered and left our lives. I know that I over think things and work myself up but it's impossible for me not to do it.

I have never been a superstitious (spelling?) person. I'm much more of a realisit with my feet firmly on the ground. I've never made wishes on stars and stuff like that. I'm practical and never believed in that stuff. But I must say, since Drew's death, much of that has changed. There are just too many coincidences and out and out strange things that have happened. Maybe I'm *looking* for signs now. No, not maybe, I know that I am. For example, I was speaking to the pregnant hostess at a restaurant shortly before Christmas and we were discussing due dates. I asked hers and she said, "March 8." Um, ok. What are the chances that a perfect stranger is due the date that Drew was born. There are 364 other possible due dates but no, she was due on Drew's 1 year birthday. Strange, I tell you.

Christmas was good. I did ok for the most part. Elizabeth got spoiled by everyone and now wants to know where all of the presents went. You opened them kid!! When I say that she was spoiled, I'm not kidding. Now we have more stuff to clutter up the house. Yippee. I'm (kind of) kidding. She got a lot of great things and any toys that she got were really learning toys. She had fun and it was fun to watch her.

I'm proud of Raymond. He will be starting a position with a new company on January 15. He's going back to the private sector (rather than government contracting) and he wasn't even looking for a new position. This company just wanted him and met any demand that he threw at him. So, congrats to you dear. The irony is that his current company has been working on some marketing material regarding employee retention and R. is/was one of those to be featured in their print material and on a billboard. Oops. I don't know what they'll do about that but they just really couldn't match what was offered to him at the new company. I'm sad to see him leave L-3 because everyone there has been nothing but wonderful to our family, especially this last year. So the new year is going to bring a big change for R. and us by proxy.

Me, I'm just plugging along. I guess I'm about 26 weeks along now. I'm ready to be done. :) We're going to Dallas soon and I hope to finally meet some other CDH families and kids (and hopefully Marm and Tammy too). THAT will be so cool! Just trying to coordinate things now. That will be my last travel for quite a while. My doctor wants me to remain as close to home as possible during the last month or two. Just because of the VBAC issue--not many hospitals will "allow" them. (Don't get me started on THAT. Or on politics at the moment.)

I received the nicest card in today's mail. It made me cry because it is from some people that I hold so dear. It was from Aytekin and Emel all the way from Turkey. You will remember that they are Angel Mert's parents. I'm at a loss for words because the message touched me so much. Thank you, Aytekin and Emel. You and Mert are always in my thoughts.

Ooooohhhhhh, I want to thank my parents for one of my Christmas gifts. I got a new Maya Wrap!!! YES! I wanted one soooooooooo bad; it will make things so much easier when chasing a 3.5 year old. I'll have my hands free to grab her while Carson's just along for the ride. (For those that don't know, a Maya Wrap is a type of sling to wear your baby. Makes just about everything so much easier.) And my in-laws. They got me something that helps me so much right now. It's a heated body massage thing. And I can use it in my car too! How cool is that?! My MIL noticed me rubbing my back and got that. What a fabulous gift for a preggo! I highly recommend it and a sling to every parent out there.

I hope to update E.'s website with Christmas pics soon. There are so many of them and I have to edit them and I'm just procrastinating right now. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and have a Happy New Year.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh honey. I can not even imagine the emotions you are having right now. I wish i had some words to make everything better but I don't. I am always here if you need to just talk. I am sorry you had a rough day grieving Drew. I am sure the holidays are hard with out you precious angel Drew. I hope you have a good time tonight.
Christina

Anonymous said...

I also hope you have a good time tonight. Try to enjoy yourself as much as possible hun.
((hugs)) I am glad to hear that you got some nice presents for Christmas, and hoping you find some comfort in the new year with your impending arrival.

Happy New Year to you and yours!!

Aunt Donna said...

Missed you on Saturday but really didn't expect to see you. Was great to see R. and E. I'm glad to hear you survived the holidays. They are tough but this one was one of the easier ones for me. It took me forever to get flowers for Brandon's grave but finally got it decorated for Christmas. When we gather together it really leaves that empty spot to know he's only there in our hearts. Thank God for those 18 years I had. Talk to you soon. Sending my love and hugs. Aunt Donna

Shawn C said...

Jana,
My internet is finally working again - thought I'd drop by and say hello!

Wishing your family the best in 2007!