Thursday, December 14, 2006

Hard days

I want everyone to know that this blog is for me to get out most of what I don't in everyday life. I'm not this depressing most of the time in "real" life but I need a place to get my thoughts out. I just didn't want anyone to think that I'm always like this. I actually have a lot of smiles and laughs thanks to Elizabeth. :) Having said that...

Some days are really hard. On Monday, I went to a doctor's appointment to check on one son and then went to the store to buy flowers for my other son's grave. That makes it hard to be happy; there's an inherent contradiction in those two activities that are painful. I got the flowers but couldn't put them on Drew's grave until today when I had some alone time (E. is at school). Merry Christmas son, here are some flowers for your grave. I'm sorry that it is all that I can do for you now. I don't think that I'll ever get used to this.

This would have been Drew's first Christmas. I keep remembering back to E.'s first Christmas and thinking how much fun it was and then I realize that Drew will never know the joy of basking in your family's love at the holidays. I'm going to do one more thing for Drew regarding Christmas. Our family all has snowman stockings that my mom made. I ordered a kit to make one for Drew (months ago but it's on backorder) so he will have a stocking hanging above our fireplace with the rest of us every year. Some may think that's morbid or I'm dwelling on his death but for me, it's a way to show that we remember him and he will forever be a large part of our family. I mean I have pictures of him all over the house so why shouldn't he have a stocking too? I just don't want people to forget about him. He existed; he was here for a short time and a large part of our lives. He always will be a large part of our lives.

On another note, I've come to the conclusion that some people should not be parents. Not at Christmas anyway. I'm talking about us. Don't let your kids read this next part, ok? R. took E.'s Santa gift out of his car and stowed it in the garage before we went to TX last weekend. We totally forgot all about it and it's sitting there in plain sight. Elizabeth saw it the other day. A big box with pictures on all sides of what is in it. *sigh* I tried to convince her that what's on the outside of the box is not on the inside but it didn't work. And the kid WILL remember. She was just talking about Drew's funeral and who was there. So now I guess her bicycle comes from Mommy and Daddy. I went and got some other things today while she's in school. We're horrible parents, I tell you. Well, according to R., *I'm* the bad parent because I "let" her see the box. Whatever!!

Oh, I guess I should update about my doctor's appointment on Monday. Carson's heartrate was 150 beats per minute (good). I'm measuring 22.5 centimeters and I should be right at 22 cm so that's good. Carson is growth is right on track. He's a kicking little guy too! All the time, very rarely is there a break. He kicked the other day when E. was sitting with me and she jumped and said, "What was THAT?!" I told her that Carson had kicked her and she said, "You should tell him that kicking's not nice." :) Oh, and I gained 10 freaking pounds in one month!!! The doctor is pleased since I lost 6 pounds the previous month but dang, 10 pounds?! No wonder I feel fat, fat, fat.

That's it for now. Just trying to remain as happy as I can during the holidays but it's hard sometimes. Thank goodness we have Elizabeth, that kid is so funny. She can make anyone smile (when she's not driving us crazy, that is. She'll even say, "Mommy, Daddy, I'm driving you crazy!").


Gina said...

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a stocking for Drew. He is ,and will always be, a part of your family.

Anonymous said...

Jana, I have been reading your blog for a long while now and not once have I ever thought of you as a depressing person. I have followed your journey and read first hand of your experience.

You are dealing with the loss of a child, and I know that talking about your feelings is only going to help you heal. To quite honest, by the sounds of how you write here, I can tell that you are an absolutely wonderful person, mother, and friend.

Drew was a big, very important part of your life and you should celebrate his life and have a stocking for him at Christmas time. He was important, IS still important, and always WILL be. I think you are doing what is best, and I know I would do the same.


B said...

I've been following your blog for quite some time; in fact, I often think of Drew at random times, and I keep your family in my prayers.

You are in no way a depressing person. You are a mommy to three children: one with a voice, one with wings, and one surrounded in amniotic fluid. ;) You should honor all of them in any way you wish. Drew will never be forgotten; like I said, I've never even met you guys, and he's in my thoughts often.

Good luck with the 'Santa' gift problem; and you're right, their minds are like steel traps: they NEVER forget.

Lauren said...


I have a stocking for Avery too, well I will soon, a friend is cross stitching it for me. So I want to say that you do whatever is 'normal' for you. I think it's more than ok to have one!

Also, I am having the same issues with my blog being where I get out my sad feelings and wondering if people think I am a depressing person 'in real life.' But I'm trying to see that I don't have to worry what others think. Writing makes me feel happy, and I know that in 'real' life, I am a happy person.

So keep doing what is best for you, and what is best for your family. Don't worry about E seeing that bike. So Mommy and Daddy got her a bike, Santa got her lots of other things! She sounds like such a fun little girl!

Always thinking of you, Jana, and wishing you all the best!

Love Lauren