Just rambling

Well, we did it. We went shopping on Friday to get E. some appropriate clothing to play in the snow (doesn't really snow here, usually gets icy) and I did a BIG thing. It won't seem like much to most people but trust me, it's huge. We bought an outfit for Carson. It's the first thing I've really bought just for him. I feel like I'm jinxing things somehow. It took a large amount of hope and trust that things will turn out ok in order to even *think* about buying Carson anything. It's quite a big step forward for me. I stopped myself at 1 outfit; there were 3 that I really liked. R. pointed out that the outfits wouldn't fit him that long so one was good enough. Darn men, they always have to butt in with reality and spoil things.

And I don't know why people complain that there are no cute clothes for boys. Everywhere I turn I see cute stuff. Gymboree is coming out with a tractor line! How CUTE is that?! I've seen the pictures and it's adorable. Can you tell that I love to shop for my kids? I can't really get E. nice stuff right now because she's in that, "I love mud," phase and I refuse to spend any kind of money on clothing that will just get ruined anyway. She's such a tomboy--she already tells me, "No dresses, Mommy. I want my jeans!"

We had quite a winter storm last week. It was quite a storm for us anyway. We probably got 4-6 inches of snow (depending on who you listen to, up to 8 inches). As I said earlier, we usually just get ice storms, not any real accumulation of snow so it was a big thing around here. The dog LOVED the snow as did the little girl. We had to buy her a snowsuit and boots because, well, we've never had any need for that stuff before. And let me tell you, finding a toddler snowsuit out here was extremely difficult! They just don't sell them out here. R. got 2 snow days and E. got her first snow day from school.

E. had fun making snow angels, a snowman and throwing snowballs. She told me that she wanted to throw snowballs and hit her Daddy in the ear! Little stinker. Now the snow can go away as far as I'm concerned. I don't care for it when it's this cold. And it hurts R.'s nose pretty bad since his surgery (not fully healed).

I need to go to the cemetery tomorrow. I feel horrible because I haven't been in a few weeks. :( I've been in a mood, as you all know, and I just haven't felt up to it. I need to get some Christmas flowers to put out but all that I've seen have glittery crap all over them. I'm very picky when it comes to the flower I put on Drew's grave. It's all that I can give him now and I want perfection. None of that gaudy stuff; not for a grave. It's also just very emotionally difficult for me to go there while Carson is moving in my abdomen. I just keep thinking that Drew was fine as long as he was in me. It was when he was born that the bad shit took over. As my doctor put it, I acted as his ECMO machine while pregnant and without that, he just couldn't survive.

I'm pissed off at the hospital. Months ago I requested Drew's records. Got all that were transcribed. Great, but I wanted EVERYTHING. The handwritten chart notes, ECMO charts, etc. I called and spoke to someone who told me exactly what to write on the release form in order to get what I want. I did that, paid for the records and got the same freaking transcribed records (only surgeon and neonatologist records). WTF?! How can you mistake, "handwritten doctor and nurse notes, ECMO charts, entire chart?" I guess I'll take up that battle again after the holidays.

And OU quit billing us for one balance and we're paying so many others that I didn't notice. So now they're sending us notices like, "We're sorry for your loss but pay us." Um, I was you morons. We had an arrangement worked out, you quit sending the bill and I didn't notice. (Yes, I realize them billing us is a courtesy and it's my responsibility to stay on top of things but I just didn't. It's not easy paying multiple bills a month on a child's care when that child is DEAD.) Anyway, I got that one worked out.

Then they sent us a 40 page bill back in July and I was trying to reconcile it with our insurance information. The amount that OU said we owed was more than our freaking out-of-pocket maximum. Of course, OU and Aetna won't talk to one another so I had to be the go between. It's so frustrating. I got a spreadsheet from Aetna, called OU and told them to do more research because we're not paying. Our insurance says we're not liable for one penny of the bill. I will get word tomorrow what OU has decided--either Aetna didn't pay all that they should have (Aetna says that they did, of course) or OU has to write the balance off. Either way, I don't care; bottom line is that we're not going to pay. I could go on and on about insurance issues (can you believe that they were not going to pay my post-partum pap 6 weeks after Drew's birth?!).

Glad we have great insurance but I just wish the various hospital departments and the insurance company would speak to one another without me acting as go-between. Part of the problem is that every department at the hospital bills insurance seperately. We pay OU Pathology, OU Physicians, OU Medical Center-Presby, etc. and insurance has to as well. It would be much easier and make more sense to do centralized billing but itemize it so that the money gets appropriated correctly. UGH, now I'm trying to reorganize a hospital. I should know by now that bureauocracies don't work efficiently. My personal medical payment spreadsheet is out-of-control. If we ever get audited, I have GREAT records, lol! Good news is that we should get one hell of a tax refund (state and federal) this year between 2 kids, the house, medical bills, funeral expenses, etc.

In other words, all of this is on my mind at the same time as everything else. Who knew that not working outside of the home was so stressful?! There are days where I'd like to go to an office just to escape things. Then I look at Bug and know that's not what I truly want to do. I want to be home with my kids until they get into school and then I want to be able to take them and pick them up from school. Fortunately, I'm able to do that right now.

E. seems to be feeling better. She'll tell us that her tummy hurts every once in a while but then she's off running around and she hasn't vomited since Wednesday. I think it was Wednesday anyway. Whenever it was. It was like a 24 hour thing.

I probably won't update again until after the ultrasound on Thursday. Wish us luck; they should be doing an echocardiogram and all of that fun diagnostic stuff. Hopefully Carson is still a boy!

Oh, for those who have asked, and many have, I'm VERY happy to be having a boy. I secretly longed for a boy because I really feel as though I've been cheated out of my son. Carson is not a replacement for Drew but I was so happy when I saw that Carson was a boy. Healthy was first and foremost (still is since I'm terrified) but it hasn't been difficult to know that I'm having a boy. Not really. I know that I am and will make comparisons to Drew, isn't that normal? You compare your children, right? But, Carson is his own person. I really hope that he never feels as though he is a "replacement" child because that's so not the case. First, no one could replace Drew and second, Carson was a surprise, not planned, so how could he be a replacement? Oh the things that go through my mind. Just rest assured that I am so happy to be having a little boy. He WILL be a Mommy's boy (for a while) just like E. is sometimes still a Mommy's girl. Nothing wrong with that! :)