Sunday, April 08, 2007


I don't like Easter.

My son died on Easter Sunday last year.

I fake the celebratory nature for Elizabeth but the fact of the matter is that Drew died on Easter Sunday. The date is different but he died on Easter. All holidays will never be the same but I could completely skip Easter and be just fine. It sickens me to watch everyone else celebrate and I know that's not right. But there it is. I'm getting good at faking it. :|

The other day, I checked the mail and just started crying. There was my newsletter and calender from OU Pastoral Care. I knew that Drew's name would be on the calender this time. I opened the envelope and saw the name "Raymond D. Lewallen." I sometimes forget that Drew's first name was Raymond! The first thought that I had was, "Raymond's not dead, he's just at work!" Stupid, I know. Same initials, same first name though. Here's the calender with all of the other babies names blacked out for privacy:

So there you have it; it's been almost a year since Drew has been gone. Today is not a good day for me.

Add to that a person online posting, "I've gotten everything I've ever prayed for," and I'm not in a great mood. Good for you that you get everything you want. But it was my impression that Christians (which she is) were supposed to pray for "G-d's will," not things. What a completely callous thing to say and if anyone ever says to me that it was G-d's will that Drew died, well, let's just say they wiill see the worst side of me ever.

Blech, I have more to write but I can't now. I need to watch Borat again, at least that made me laugh.


Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine you would ever enjoy Easter again. I am not in your shoes though. I have been thinking of you today. I will bee all month. I can not imagine how you feel. Hugs sweetie.

Gina said...

I'm so sorry Jana. I have thought about you and your family today. I don't understand a lot of things and a lot of people. Most Christians I have met sure don't act how they are "suppose" to. I could go on and on about this but I wont.

Borat is a funny movie. Enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

Been thinking about you today. Easter will never be the same again. I have 2 very close friends that lost their sons on holidays. It seems they have to dates to face every year. You are in my prayers especially on this day and the upcoming.
With love,
Aunt Donna

Kathy McC said...


Julie said...

Jana- Joe and I thought about you yesterday. Drew died on Joe's birthday and Easter so I will never forget the date either.
((Big HUGS)).
Love you...

Lori said...

Luker here...It's people like that who give decent Christians a bad name. It sounds more like she is a self-righteous a*hole than a Christian. She's in for a rude awakening at some point I'm sure. I'm so sorry that someone felt they could even say that to you.

I wouldn't be able to face Easter either. Such a huge reminder of Drew's painful loss.

Please know that there are people out there remembering Drew with you and praying for you. People who *don't* think it was God's will that he die, and who believe that horrible things happen to good people and it sucks. People who wish that they could change it for you and make the outcome so different.


carole said...

I thought about you all day yesterday. I can't even imagine how hard Easter was this year.

So sorry about the crappy comment. I'd like to extend my offer of help to punch their teeth down their throat. I like to be helpful like that.

Gina said...

Hey Jana, you don't have to post this but I was wondering if you could let us readers (friends) know when you go into labor if you have the time, energy, etc? Thanks