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Friday, June 01, 2007

Here I go again

Still feeling sorry for myself. It's been a long couple of days--R. has been working late a lot lately so it's just been me and the kids. Almost 4 years old can be so cute at times, and so darn frustrating at others. E. and I are ready to hurt one another and we still have 2 more days of just the two of us. Carson's not giving me problems, thank goodness.

Oh, Carson's belly button update. He does not have an umbilical hernia, thank goodness. He's going to have an outie and his cord stump fell off early (5 days) so it wasn't there to protect the healing. What we're getting to experience is watching the actual healing and it's gross. It's not infected and as long as it doesn't get infected, he should be ok and will be all healed in a few weeks. He also weighed 9 pounds, 8 ounces! Yay Carson!

You know, everyone who knows about Drew comments on how happy I must be that Carson is here and is ok. And I am. More than anything. However, it kind of makes me feel like more of a failure with regards to Drew. I couldn't have a healthy baby with Drew and no matter that there's no definitive known cause of CDH, I feel like it's my fault. That I in essence killed my son. My body failed him in the largest way possible. It's no use telling me that it's not true and not to feel that way. I do and that will never change. Period. So while I'm overjoyed about Carson and his health, it also hurts because it brings out just how much I failed Drew.

I said it's been a long few days, didn't I?

9 comments:

carole said...

Jana,
I feel this post so much. So many people say...'oh you have the perfect family'...and I want to scream...no...perfect would be having Joseph here.

Do you think it's the weather...Ab's has been on my LAST nerve lately. I try to hide from her...but she keeps finding me. :)
~Carole

Gina said...

I am sorry Jana. I don't know how I would be in a situation like that. I think most people that haven't lost a child speak before they think sometimes.

Thinking of you all!

Ivy said...

Sasha's belly button looked horrible when it fell off too. I was scared...it was so raw! Bella's fell off and looked like a perfect little B-button. That's about how it goes in our family, though;-)

Kendra's mom said...

You know, I still sometimes think "Maybe if I hadn't eaten that sushi or taken those headache tablets, then K would have been 'normal' and wouldn't have had such a low blood count which would have enabled her to fight off the blood infection or her heart would have been stronger. Maybe if I'd gotten pregnant earlier things would be different etc etc" It is SO hard to get yourself out of that frame of mind. I can truly understand how you feel. Hopefully it won't always feel that way.

*Darcie* said...

Hello Jana! I know you dont know me, but Catherine from Everything is under control gave me your blog. I know exactly how you feel!! I have been reading your blog since we had found out that our daughter, Carli had CDH. She was born on March 20, 2007 and was with us for 12 hours and 20 minutes. Even though both of my doctors have told me that there was nothing I could have done, I still feel exactly like you! I do agree with the fact that people dont really know the right thing to say! I had one customer come into the pharmacy that I work at, and I know he didnt mean it the way it came out, but he told me "At least she didnt live that long!" I thought...."WHAT?????" I know that he was trying to be nice, but that was NOT the thing to say!!

I wanted to tell you that I think of your Angel Drew almost daily! As crazy as that sounds!! Yesterday we were out in town, and I saw the cutest baby boy, and I had told my mom that he kinda reminded me of what Baby Drew looked like!!

Sorry I have rambled on!! Off the topic, when I figure out how to put my links on my blog, can I put yours? I would really appreciate it...and if you want to check out my blog, I would be honored...it is just starting. www.blogger.justtakingitdaybyday.com

I will continue to think of you and your family, and Baby Drew!!

Darcie

*Darcie* said...

Oops! I think I might have given the wrong addy for my blog...www.justtakingitdaybyday.blogspot.com

Heather said...

Oh Jana - I know this feeling. I know it well. Congratulations on having Carson here and healthy. I'm so sorry that Drew isn't here to enjoy his little brother. You are joyous that you have the living child, but so sad that you don't have your angel. *hugs*
~Heather - Bryce & Amberlee's mommy

PS Mine all comes down to an allergy med I took and even though we don't know what causes CDH, I always blame it....

baby Jackson said...

I can relate to your feelings. I still think that is was somehow my fault. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a women becuase I could not do the one thing any women's body should have been able to do. My body can not put a baby together correctly. Even with a different outcome I understand that feeling. I think about you guys all the time. Love
Kimberly

Tasha said...

I'm so sorry, Jana! Honestly, I have never been through what you have but I know myself well enough to know I would probably blame myself too...even though I'd know it wasn't actually my fault, just as it isn't your fault either of course!

I can't imagine the grief and pain of losing a child and what a rollercoaster ride of emotions you have certainly experienced.

I am so saddened to know that so many women have experienced the same thing. It isn't right and it isn't fair. I've shed so many tears since learning about baby Drew last year and then learning of other babies with the same condition. It kills me that there isn't more that can be done to date!

Just know that I keep you in my prayers daily, as well as all other parents going through this!

Love,
Tasha