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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

*Sigh*

Yeah, I know. It's been a long while since I've updated. There are a lot of reasons for that but I'll keep it simple and just say that I've been extremely sad about Drew, extremely happy about Carson and extremely busy with Elizabeth. I also finally found curtains for my living room, thank goodness! The blinds are going next (who had the bright idea that PEACH mini-blinds throughout the house would be a good idea?! This house was so boring until we got it and injected some color, REAL color, in it.)

Carole is in my thoughts and has been a lot. Joseph's birthday/angel day is Saturday. Carole is one of those that I look at and just shake my head in wonder. Her attitude in dealing with the loss of Joseph is inspiring to me. I strive to be more like her in this manner. Carole, just know that I love you and think of you guys so often.

A few people have asked me how often in the course of a day that I think of Drew. How do you explain that it's every second of every day? There are times, mainly when I'm driving for some reason, that the thoughts are very acute and in the forefront of my conscious (however you spell that). I just don't know how to explain it--every action, every thought is in some way related to Drew. And I'm so sick of the question, "How many children do you have?" I know that it's a natural question and one I ask others myself but that question will never be an innocuous one for me.

I met some great ladies at Elizabeth's dance class when she was going (she's been on break for about a month). All of the moms would sit outside and talk. This was truly the first situation that I was in that I didn't mention Drew. No one asked how many kids I had, they all assumed that there were only the two. After about 5 weeks, I said something about Drew and then had to explain that he was our DS (dead son!). Can I just say that these women were GREAT!!! They asked questions but didn't go over the top with sympathy, KWIM? I kind of feel suffocated when people just go on and on and on about how horrible it must be to lose a child, etc. Anyway, I'm not sure that I had a point in writing about that, I just thought it was neat. And I made some new friends. :) That's always good.

I cannot wait until next week. Well, actually Friday. Then I won't have to hear, "I'll probably get that for my birthday, huh? I'm just checking on my presents, Mommy. Can't I open just one? What did you get me? Is the big Ariel in that box? Come look at this Mommy !!! (On the computer...)This is what I'm getting for my birthday! I want EVERYTHING Ariel!" And so on. Elizabeth is simply driving me insane. Dance starts back on Monday and school on Tuesday. YAY!!! I don't know who's happier, me or her. We're going to have to fit soccer in there somewhere too. And I want to start taking Carson to Gymboree like I did with Elizabeth.

Carson is just my little joy. I swear that he is the happiest baby in the world. He goes to sleep with a smile and wakes up with one (after sleeping all night through--he has since birth). He really only cries if he's hungry or feeling ignored. Or too loved by big sister! He's getting so big, he's 4 months old already. Everything is so easy with him while E. has never been easy a day in her life. I think that Drew was probably somewhere in the middle of the two of them but he was so doped up most of the time, I can't be completely sure. Carson's rolling over, grabbing whatever he wants, laughing a lot, talking a lot, finding his tongue, etc. In other words, he's being a normal 4 month old. God how good that feels to say after Drew.

One funny thing--you know I took the plaster casts of Drew's hands and feet before he died? I compared Carson's feet to Drew's. Carson's at 4 months are smaller than Drew's were at 5 weeks, 4 days!! And Drew's feet were much smaller than E.'s. That child had flippers. She still does. Grammy said that maybe Carson will be a little person like her but I don't think so! Grammy, just like Grandmama (who wanted a red headed grandchild), you're out of luck--I'll stretch him to make him tall. :D

One thing I wonder is where did Carson get his blonde hair? It's turning pretty light. It looks like he doesn't have a lot of hair but most of the front is blonde. He's got more hair than his father! Drew's was dark and E.'s was pretty dark at first too.

I look at Carson, hug him, kiss him and feel so much joy. But then it's like a knife plunges in my heart because it all goes back to Drew. I will never get to experience this with my Buddy Boy. People lie. It doesn't get any easier, you just learn to hide your grief. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at Carson and not consciously (I cannot spell tonight) think of Drew. I need to do so because it's not fair to Carson. He and Drew are so alike in many ways but so different in many others. I'm over the phase where I compared the two mainly because Carson is normal and living while Drew wasn't and isn't.

I don't want to ramble on anymore so that's it for now.

Oh wait! Sasha should (hopefully) be home by now. How awesome is that?!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jana,
I got pg with Emma seven months after Connor. That first year with her was so sad/happy. Like you, every moment was followed by sadness, why her and not him. And it was always the moments I didn't expect that knocked me down. I cried and cried when we had Emma baptized - not for her but for my son who wasn't there. It's not fair.
Sometimes, I would hold her close, close my eyes and hug her, sending my love to Connor. I felt that by loving her, I was loving him. Doing things for her was like doing things for him.
I don't have any great words of wisdom or advice but just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.
love,
Amanda

Carole said...

Jana,
Thank you so much. You have been the one that is an inspiration to me. Please know that I'm thinking of you.
~Carole