Wednesday, September 26, 2007


If anyone is looking for a reputable non-profit organization that does so much good to donate to, I have a new suggestion. It is the Mothers' Milk Bank of North Texas. This is where all of the milk that I pumped for Drew ended up. You can donate either milk or money. :)

In order to donate milk, a blood panel must be done but it is at no cost to you. Even shipping the milk to Ft. Worth is at no cost to you. The donated breastmilk that they received is mixed with other milk and then pasteurized. This pasteurized milk is then given to NICU's to be given to ill babies who need it so desperately.

There are currently 7 milk banks in the United States and hopefully more to come soon. The best thing, in my opinion, that came out of Drew's death, was being able to donate all of the milk that I had worked so hard to provide for him. I feel as though Drew and I together have helped other babies.

It is estimated that 10% of the donated milk that the MMBNT receives is from mothers whose children have died. It helps many mothers with the grieving process (I know that it brings me comfort and you look for comfort anywhere you can find it when you're missing your baby).

I would ask that if you do a monetary donation, that you do it in memory of Drew. It would mean a lot to me.

I also want to add that an online friend of mine is active in the Ft. Worth Junior League. The League helps with the MMBNT year after year, both financially and through volunteer work. Yay to all of those wonderful women!

What's been going on around here? Mommy is getting over a cold, Elizabeth is getting over a cold, Carson is getting over a cold and Raymond probably is. Good times, let me tell you. There's so much snot in this house that I feel as though I'm drowning in it. One last hurray from summer, I guess.

Elizabeth's learning the sounds that letters make in preschool. So far she has B, S and W down. Not a day goes by that she doesn't bring home some form of artwork. The finger painting was the best. **WARNING** Cute Elizabeth story follows.

So the day they finger painted, E. had a picture with about 8 different colors on it. It was pretty, she's good at finger painting. Her teacher, Miss Robin, told me that every other kid only used 1-2 colors but not my little E. She used every color available to her! Miss Robin said that just demonstrated her personality and I must agree. She's a very colorful child--in good ways and in bad.

We had a few weeks where the tantrums were cut down dramatically but they seem to be back in full force. But she IS listening a bit better during the day. Just a bit but it's better than nothing.

This is a difficult age for her and for us. She wants to test boundaries and be independent while still feeling safe with her parents. We try to let her do her thing but not to her detriment. It's like walking a tightrope. And there are times when she is so sweet! Not a day goes by that she doesn't say to me, "Mommy, will you please hold me? I love you so much, Mommy!" and my heart melts. But the very next second she'll be screaming about something so insignificant or speaking to me in a rude manner (not allowed around here--express yourself all you like but do it in a polite and respectful manner--that goes for every member of our family, adults included). I've been assured by many, many moms who I admire that this is completely normal behavior. Drives me insane, though.

Carson is just, well, Carson! He's such a sweet little good natured little man. As Raymond says, "He's the smilingist baby I've ever seen!" He wakes up happy and is happy all day long. There are 3 instances when he cries: 1) he's hungry (but I can usually get to him before he has to cry for food!), 2) he's sleepy, and 3) his sister is bothering him in some way. He sometimes cries if I leave his sight but Daddy's pretty good at acting goofy and making him smile. ;) He IS a Mommy's boy, though. That's a good thing, IMO.

It's sometimes difficult for me to think about my two living kids temperaments. It brings home just how little time that we had with Drew and even though a bit of his personality came out, what would it have been like as he developed? I wonder about that a lot. He was stoned most of the time (well, really, all of the time) but he still had some spunk in there! I just really have a strong feeling that Drew's personality would have been the most like mine. Who knows?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, we've missed out on an entire future. We don't have any memories of Drew beyond the NICU, the funeral home or the grave. And it sucks, and it pisses me off so much but more than anything, it just hurts. It's a physical ache that just doesn't go away. I can't be around kids who were born around the same time as Drew. I just can't. If that makes me horrible, who cares? It's too painful to see what they are doing and knowing that my boy will never get to do anything at all, ever again.

Yeah, Drew's weighing heavily on me as usual. Guilt, guilt, guilt that just won't abate. I think that I need to go cuddle with Big C for a bit, that always makes me happy.

Oh, if you're planning on coming to the Walk to Remember, I made up some new shirts with Drew's picture on them. They can be found here. I got ours today and they look pretty good. And this year, our whole family is going to be able to go: me, Raymond, Elizabeth and Carson! And of course grandparents and a great-grandparent. I'm looking forward to this time to honor Drew and the other children.