Thursday, February 23, 2006

Conflicted feelings

Most people know that I'm an only child. My mother is an only child. Although my father is one of 7, being an only is all that I've ever known. I see my mother now that her parents are gone and it saddens me immensely. And thinking that I'll one day be in her position is difficult.

I can't say that I always wanted a sibling--I always kind of like being an only child. It fits my personality, I'm a loner and actually ENJOY being alone more than anything. I went through a brief phase (VERY brief) around 10 years of age when I wanted a sibling. But that's it.

However, I've always wanted more than one child. I see the relationship my husband has with his sister and am envious. I'll never know that. I fully understand that there are many siblings who do not get along at all. Trust me, I understand that (did I mention that my dad is one of 7?!). I've just never had a doubt that I didn't want an only. Not once.

Until now. Until there's less than 2 weeks until Elizabeth is no longer my only baby. I'm very concerned about how she'll feel. I have no doubt that she'll be a great big sister, she's a very loving child. But how is she going to handle the attention shift? And unfortunately, with Drew's condition, he'll end up getting even more attention than if there were nothing wrong with him.

How to handle this is really weighing on me right now. E. and I are EXTREMELY close. I think she's been away from me one night in her 2.5 years, and that was early in my pregnancy when I was very sick otherwise, I would have been with her and Raymond. She is with me 24/7--a fact I generally love, despite my love of being alone. She's such a cool little person. She is a Mommy's girl and I LIKE that. I don't want her to feel as though I've just abandoned her after Drew's arrival. But I want and need to be at the hospital as much as possible.

I looked into starting her in a preschool program a bit early but the main reason I decided not to do so is because I feel that it would just be too much at once--a new sibling and going to "school" when she's been home from birth. Then I wonder if I'm underestimating her because in social situations, she's fine being away from me. She's pretty independent and outgoing. Don't get me wrong, I don't tether her to me nor do I think that I'm overprotective, I like to try and promote that independence, but I also like the fact that we're so close. Also, most programs that I looked into will not take her in the middle of a session. Even many Mother's Day Out programs. Then again, I'm probably overthinking things which I tend to do on a regular basis.

Add to that the fact that I'm seriously doubting myself. What in the heck do I know about raising siblings? Not a thing. So much to think about right now. Guess I should have thought about it a bit more before becoming pregnant, huh?


Anonymous said...

I just happen to come across your website and read about your story. You baby boy looks so sweet. I pray for Drew and your entire family. It sounds like you are keeping positive. That is sometimes all you can do. God works in mysterious ways - sometimes it is very hard for us to understand but alway remember that He is in charge and will take care of everything. Sometimes that thought helps you get through. Take care and I hope to hear good news about everything. E is such a blessing too. Such a little cutie!