Grief is a strange thing

So I've been thinking about the different ways that people grieve and the "steps" that one goes through. I guess I'm trying to analyze grief and you really can't because there's no right or wrong way to grief, no rhyme or reason.

I look at those around me and how they are grieving Drew's death and it varies widely. Some (seemingly) have just dismissed him and moved on. Others think of him once in a while but not constantly. Still others talk to me about him but not often--or not often enough to please me, anyway. Then there are those who are philosophical about his death. He had a purpose, it was to be here and die and now it's time to move on.

At times I wish that I could be philosophical about his death but I just can't. It's with me every second of every day and I truly don't know that it is with anyone else. Even Raymond has work to distract him, so to speak, although I'm sure he thinks of Drew often. But I can't seem to make people understand that I NEVER do not think of him. He's always there, in every aspect of my life. I watch Elizabeth and think how she should be playing with her baby brother but she's not. Amazingly enough, I think that she's the one who relates to my grief the most. She's always fed off of my emotions; taken her cues from me. There is not one day that goes by where she does not speak of Drew. Sometimes I bring him up but more often than not, she does. She told me today that Drew would have liked our new fishies just like she does.

I've just been thinking about grief and the process so much lately. I see some dear friends that I've made going through the same things that I have/am and it hurts so much. I so wish that they did not have to feel what I know they are feeling. I don't what point that I'm trying to make or if I'm even trying to make one; I just can't get "grief" off of my mind lately.

Not helping matters is that we received Drew's medical records in the mail today. I didn't know if I'd be able to review them but I found that I was eager to do so. They weren't exactly what I expected--only included dictations from radiology, cardiology, neurology and pediatric surgery. I guess I was expecting EVERYTHING since that's what I requested. I'm going to have to look into matters because I want his complete file. It was interesting to read the synopsis of his repair surgery. The majority of the liver was still down, only the upper left lobe in his chest. The only thing that made me cry was the final page where it says something like, "Discharged: Deceased, body released to the morgue then for burial." Besides the fact that it's wrong (Drew never went to the morgue, I wasn't comfortable with that), it's just hard to see it put so clinically and in black and white. There was one amusing thing, though. For about the first 50 pages, whoever transcribed the records made a mistake so at the top of every page it says, "Condition: Genetial Diaphragmatic Hernia." :D I guess someone caught it because it was then corrected on of the following pages. But it did give me a chuckle.

Ok, so I'm not done talking about grief. I'm sorry that this is all over the place, my head is spinning tonight because I'm exhausted and sad. Anyway, I don't think it's fair or right to compare grief. What I mean is that everyone's grief is personal and no one's is greater than anyone elses. There are those in my life who feel that it would be "harder" to lose an older child, say Elizabeth's age. I disagree. For me, Drew's loss was a loss and should not be compared to another. I lost my child, that I carried in my body for 9 months, don't tell me that it could hurt worse because it can't. I knew Drew inside and out. He had a distinct personality from the moment of conception. If you've ever been pregnant, you know what I'm talking about. For me, a bond was formed immediately and it was an extremely strong one. For others, the bond occurs when the child is born and they see and hold them. I don't really know where I'm going with this but I'm getting tired of people seeming to minimize our loss. We lost Drew's entire future, not just him. Why do people expect me to be "over it" by now? It's very cruel and I'm about to start lashing out.

People tell me that I'm strong and have handled things with such grace. You know what? Who cares? I'm *not* strong, they just don't see me in my private moments, every.single.night.

I'm irritable because I'm having trouble sleeping again. I'm not taking the sleeping pills, I think I have only taken a total of 5 in a couple of months. My problem now is not getting to sleep, it's making myself go to bed. I stay up half the night so I won't have to face the possibility of dreams. As a result, I've been dragging for the past couple of weeks. I really need to change something and go to bed earlier.

And I've embarked on another project. No, nothing that I will have to ask you all for help with!! I've decided to make something special for each of the CDH families that I've become close to. Each thing that I'm making takes quite a bit of time so don't expect anything too soon! It might even take me over a year but it will get done. I had to finally put Drew's blanket aside because I couldn't cry and work on it at the same time. I'll eventually get it done, I'm in no hurry. You know, the other CDH parents that I've been fortunate enough to "meet" (and a few of us WILL meet someday soon) are so special to me. I hate the circumstances that have brought us all together but I cherish each and every one of them and their special children. (There will be one for Miss Sasha and Miss Jayden as well!)

My parents will be here for the weekend so that will be nice. Mom will force me to get out of the house and go shopping, I'm sure! :D For all that have asked about my dad, his recover is going remarkably well. I'm proud of him for sticking with his exercises; he's getting better much more quickly than I had anticipated. Go Dad!

Oh yeah, I have a correction to make pointed out by my dear husband. The aquarium is actually *29* gallons, not 20.