Tuesday, August 15, 2006

A big step for me!

Just as I was preparing to write this entry, E. woke up crying (rare). I think that she had a bad dream because she kept saying, "Mommy, don't leave me! You're leaving me!" She said it over and over until I finally got her calmed down. :( Now I don't know if I can do what R. and I were going to do: leave her with my parents in Texas while we're in Oklahoma for 2 days. We have never left her with anyone like that. I wasn't going to write about this but she just broke my heart a little more by saying what she did. Surprisingly enough, *I* had been more ok with leaving her here than R. had been. Now I don't know. Being a parent is hard!

On to what I was initially going to post. Today was a big day for me. I did something that I'd been putting off since Drew's diagnosis. I held an infant. And I did ok!!

Ivy, Bella and Sasha came over to visit this afternoon. I have to say, E. and Bella were so stinking cute together! They played so well and ran around the house holding hands. Bella is 4 months older than E. and they are both such sweet girls. I hope that they can be as good of friends as Ivy and I have been for all these years. There were no tantrums or fights at all. That's pretty great for a couple of 3 year olds.

Sasha...oh Sasha. She is a beautiful child. There are no other words for her; she's beautiful and perfect! When I have her parents permission, I will post more about her physical difficulties because people need to be educated on her condition as well. Just know that she's perfect.

I held her!! And it felt wonderful! I held her for a while and she just gazed at me and would reach her little hands up to my face every once in a while. It was truly magical. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that I should be holding Drew but it was not overwhelming. I just don't know how to describe the feeling I had while holding this precious baby girl. It was pure joy and love.

I thought that I would be ok being around an infant if it was a girl but I didn't know for sure. I was a bit nervous but that went out the window when Ivy and the girls arrived. Maybe if it had been a boy it would have been more difficult. Well, no maybe about it. It WOULD have been impossible for me. I'm just so happy that I had the opportunity to spend time with Ivy, Bella and especially Sasha. I don't know if anyone can truly comprehend what a huge step this was for me.

Sasha was 2 months old today; happy birthday little one! You are now in my heart as much as your big sister. I was sitting there holding Sasha and remembering how I had held Bella shortly after her birth (while I was PG with E.). Memories. It's great to have friends that you've known basically forever. It's so cool to see Ivy as a mother--she's a great one, no question.

Enough of my gushing. :) This just made my day and helped to take my mind off of Drew and all of the other CDH families and babies for a bit, especially Joseph.

Speaking of Joseph, I feel as though my heart is being ripped in two over his situation. Please check Caroloe's blog to see what she's going through. I can honestly say that I know what it's like to shop for the outfit that you will bury your son in. I'm at a loss for words, as I've told Carole, but I *get* it. I can't say enough about Carole. I've had the pleasure of getting to know here over these last few months and she amazes me. Please keep her family in your thoughts. She is a dear woman.


Shawn C said...


I can feel your enthusiasm through your writing! Great job with the baby! Proud of you!

Julie said...

I am so proud of you Jana. You never cease to amaze me. Lots of Love!

Shawna said...

I am sooooo proud of you Jana, that is a HUGE step!!! You never cease to amaze and awe me. You sre such a strong woman. Good job sweetie. ((HUGS))

Jenn said...


You are so amazing and strong. One step at a time, and you are handling them beautifully.
I am so happy for you!