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Sunday, August 06, 2006

Hard days

Tuesday will be a pretty strange day for me. First, it's my mother-in-law's birthday. Happy Birthday, Judy! We love you! I'm pretty darn lucky in the in-law department and feel very fortunate that they are part of our family.

Tuesday also marks the 16 year anniversary of my grandmother's death. :( I was her only grandchild and we were extremely close. I spent a good deal of time with her--she would pick me up from school every day, I'd spend the afternoon with her, spend the night with her, etc. It makes me so sad that she did not live long enough to meet my husband and my children. I do think that she's taking care of Drew for me now, though. She loved children and was so good with them. I miss her every single day.

And finally, Tuesday marks the day that Drew would have been 5 months old. It's hard to believe that he would have been that old, had he lived. Time seems to go very slowly for me right now. I can't help but think about the things that E. was doing at 5 months and whether or not Drew would be doing them as well. At 5 months, E. was beginning to crawl and becoming so much more interactive with people. *sigh* I suppose that I'll always think about "what might have been." (I know that Drew would not have been on the same track as E. develpmentally but I still wonder.)

A few weeks ago while at Gymboree, I was talking to 3 of the employees. The teacher we have now is one we have never had before and she was training another teacher. So only Kristen knew about Drew. We were talking about my sleep issues because K. said that I looked so tired. The teacher-in-training asked an innocent enough question. Innocent enough to most people, anyway. She said, "Is E. your only child?" I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. K. looked at me because I just kind of froze for about 5 seconds or so. I finally blurted out, "I had a son but he died on Easter this year." That poor girl! The look on her face was so horrible. I was just caught off-guard because I assume that everyone knows about Drew (or they should, in my mind). I tried to smooth things over assuring her that it was ok and that's why I'm having problems sleeping but for the rest of the class, I felt like a leper that everyone avoided. :( I know that people just don't know what to say to me but I don't know what to say either. I can't just discount Drew and pretend that he doesn't exist. That doesn't feel right to me. Maybe I should just answer the above question with, "No, I have two." I know that questions like these will come up often so I need to find a way to deal with them.

Onto another subject. Isn't funny how certain smells can bring back memories so strongly? The smell of my parents house (each house has their own smell, know what I mean?) reminds me of high school. The smell of baby powder reminds me of E.'s newborn/infant days because we used powder scented lotion on her. I have some of Drew's stuff stored in a plastic tub until R. gets his chest made. I was looking for something the other night and when I opened the tub, the smells of his blanket and everything else just hit me. It took me back to the day he died and the first time I was able to hold him, wrapped in his personalized blanket. The blanket has a halo and wings with his name embroidered on it. I picked the blanket up, hugged it and just inhaled his scent. Crying the entire time. Some of the fluids seeping out of his body are on the blanket and it just makes me so sad to see. The bag containing all of his medical stuff was under the blanket--his ET tube, blood pressure cuff, thermometer, lotion, lip balms, etc. That stuff is VERY hard to see because that was his life. I don't have the cute, favorite baby toys or favorite outfits that most parents keep. I can't remember what I was looking for and I guess I didn't find it but I did find a piece of my son. It was heartbreaking and overjoying at the same time. I don't think I'll be opening that again anytime soon.

I was so happy to see that the store linked to my website, A Rainbow of Hope has done some business!! Check it out if you get a chance. And I hope to add something else on the front page within the next month or so. It will be a surprise. :)

Speaking of my website, I need one of my very talented friends to volunteer to make me a template for it. I don't like the one I'm using right now; I just put it together very quickly in order to get the site up. So who wants to help me?! Come on, I know that you do!

Can you believe that we've now had 24 consecutive days with temperatures over 100 degrees?! It was 105 today. I'm so sick of this. E. can't play outside because it's too hot and her skin is so fair she'll burn in no time flat (even with sunscreen). Our electric bill is OUTRAGEOUS due to the the constantly running A/C. It just sucks all around. I'm ready for fall.

Oh yes, have to add this. Congratulations to Troy Aikman's induction into the pro-football Hall of Fame. You might remember that his foundation is the one that supports Aikman's End Zone at OU Children's Hospital. E. asks to go there all the time but we can't since Drew is no longer a patient. :( Anyway, I've loved T.A. for YEARS and what an honor for him. He's my all-time favorite football player. Yeah, I have a little crush too. :D

3 comments:

stacy said...

Jana,

How my heart breaks for you! I wish you had your buddy boy in your arms. It's SO unfair (not a good enough word) that you don't.

Hang in there!
Stacy
Frisco, TX

Shawna said...

I can help you make the template if no one else has volunteered. Just let me know. (((((HUGS))))) In a hurry right now but please know I am still checking your updates daily (to see when you have hehe) and am always thinkin' of ya!

Love ya,
Shawna

Aurelia said...

I'm so sorry you're in pain. My condolences, and I really hope you feel a bit better someday. I thought I would let you know the response I use when someone asks me how many kids I have. I hate it, it's so rude, and harder for those of us who've lost babies. So, for casual acquaintances/strangers & idiots, I'd say, "Right now, Ellie. And how many do you have"---and start quizzing them about themselves. For friends, & nicer people, I personally say, "5 children, 2 living." Which covers it all, and either prompts compassion or the ability to move on. And yes, I actually rehearsed it in front of the mirror, so I wouldn't break down when I didn't want to. Don't know if that helps, it's just something I use.
Again, my sincere condolences.