So tired

It's been a while since my last update. I'll be 10 weeks along this weekend. I have been sick and exhausted. My body just doesn't like being pregnant. I can deal with labor but pregnancy kicks my butt. I'm usually in bed by about 8:30 p.m. but can't sleep tonight for some reason. Well, I know the reason.

I'm thinking about Drew. He's been on my mind so much these past couple of weeks. First his headstone was installed and then the 8th passed. He would have been 6 months on the 8th. That's such a big milestone for babies and it's one of my favorites. I can't help wondering what he'd be doing, what he'd look like, etc. And it's so bittersweet with me being pregnant right now. I'm not sure how I feel about things. I go from being very happy and hopeful to just sheer terror that something is wrong with this baby too.

Then there are these images of Drew that rise up in my mind and they disturb me so much. I'm not going to go into detail; I'm sure you can imagine what they entail. I've been having nightmares lately, no pleasure in them at all. :( Add to that E. insisting that Baby Drew is in my tummy again and I'm a wreck most of the time even though you'd not know it to see me. I'm getting pretty good at hiding things because you realize very quickly that people don't want to deal with the reality of someone who has lost a child and all that it entails.

I guess I'm just not in a good place tonight. I need to go cuddle with Elizabeth, maybe it will make me feel better--it usually does.