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Thursday, September 14, 2006

So tired

It's been a while since my last update. I'll be 10 weeks along this weekend. I have been sick and exhausted. My body just doesn't like being pregnant. I can deal with labor but pregnancy kicks my butt. I'm usually in bed by about 8:30 p.m. but can't sleep tonight for some reason. Well, I know the reason.

I'm thinking about Drew. He's been on my mind so much these past couple of weeks. First his headstone was installed and then the 8th passed. He would have been 6 months on the 8th. That's such a big milestone for babies and it's one of my favorites. I can't help wondering what he'd be doing, what he'd look like, etc. And it's so bittersweet with me being pregnant right now. I'm not sure how I feel about things. I go from being very happy and hopeful to just sheer terror that something is wrong with this baby too.

Then there are these images of Drew that rise up in my mind and they disturb me so much. I'm not going to go into detail; I'm sure you can imagine what they entail. I've been having nightmares lately, no pleasure in them at all. :( Add to that E. insisting that Baby Drew is in my tummy again and I'm a wreck most of the time even though you'd not know it to see me. I'm getting pretty good at hiding things because you realize very quickly that people don't want to deal with the reality of someone who has lost a child and all that it entails.

I guess I'm just not in a good place tonight. I need to go cuddle with Elizabeth, maybe it will make me feel better--it usually does.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. All I can do is offer you hugs. I hope the morning sickness passes soon and some of it will be better. I can only imagine what a hard time you are having with losing Drew. I am here if you need a shoulder.
Chistina

Tasha said...

I am so sorry for all you are going through right now! This baby is a blessing but I can only imagine how terrified you must be too. I can't believe Drew would already be 6 months...this must be a very difficult time for you right now. :-( I hope tomorrow is easier for you and that the nightmares ease up soon!

Praying for you,
Tasha

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry tht you are havign a hard time. I know we have never met but I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I think about you all the time. I will be praying for you.

Jamie
momsescape

Lauren said...

Hi Jana,

I'm sorry things are tough for you right now. I do wish for you that you are able to enjoy this pregnancy. Hopefully with the end of your first trimester nearing, you will start to feel better at least physically and get some of your energy back.

I hear you on the 6 month thing. Avery would be 6 months this Sunday. It's hard to think that I should be taking her to get her portraits done, but instead I am going to the cemetery.

I guess I never thought about how people might find it difficult to talk about this pregnancy with you. I can't even imagine all of the mixed emotions you are having.

Please remember I am always here for you should you need anything at all, Jana! I think about you all of the time and pray for your happiness.

Love Lauren
Avery's Mommy 3/17/06 - 4/3/06
LCDH, ACD

Emma said...

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

I cant imagine the mixed feelings mate, thinking of you.

Em's