Monday, October 23, 2006

Just an update

Raymond is recovering well from his surgery. His face is still very tender and the constant rinsing of his nose and sinuses doesn't seem fun but he's doing ok. I think that it will be worth it in the long run but then, I'm not the one who had to undergo surgery and recovery. He's already not snoring. :)

We went to a wedding on Thursday. It was a beautiful wedding but it got to me. Drew will never get married. There was a little boy there who was a bit older than Drew would have been but it still pierced my heart to see him dancing and having fun. And I had to shake my head at the music--the song I chose for my son's funeral was played at a wedding.

Speaking of that song (Josh Grobin "You Raise Me Up"), I hear it everywhere I go. I am not kidding. It's played in malls, in individual stores, in grocery stores, when I switch from talk radio to music radio, it's on. I have noticed that ever since Drew's funeral and I'm not exaggerating. It's played And it's not a new song.

Speaking of music, in what universe is The Cure considered pop music?! I guess people on LimeWire classify it as pop and they're WRONG. Just WRONG. And why in the heck is Guns 'N Roses being played on the oldies station?! (It has been for about 5 years now but still...) I feel so damn old.

There is an ongoing discussion on an internet site that I visit regarding Anna Nicole Smith and the death of her son Daniel. Some people belive that ANS's way of grieving is narcisstic (sp?) citing the quote in his funeral program (My dearest son Daniel, you were my rock, you were the only one who could keep me solid. Why God took you away from me now I do not understand.)and the picture on her website. I, of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut. This is what I posted:

"I can't judge her. Losing your lose your mind a little at the same time. I cannot remember anything about planning my son's funeral and the day is a blur. I do know that we had photos up around his casket and one of them was our family of 4 and you couldn't see Drew's face clearly because, well, he was 5 weeks old, not able to be held, intubated and in very grave condition.

I can't judge the way any parent mourns the death of their child having been through it. I tend to blurt out to perfect strangers that my son died earlier this year. I don't mean to and it startles people but it happens. It might seem that I say that to make it about me but I know that's not the case. I don't want my son to be a footnote in my life and I guess that's why I do that even though it's generally not appropriate. (You try and figure out how to answer the question, "Is this your only child?" or "How many children do you have?" Simple questions that are now so loaded.) I cannot imagine having to grieve over the loss of my son in the public eye. Every person here would think that I'm beyond crazy.

If you want to understand the different way people grive the loss of their children (from an infant perspective but I believe most is probably true regardless of the age the child that was lost), I highly recommend the book, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby," by Deborah L. Davis.

Anna Nicole has nothing buy my sincerest sympathy. "

Luckily my message seemed to have changed quite a few people's outlook on things. Regardless of what you think of ANS, she lost her son and it was just the two of them for years. I can't imagine the added stress of having to go through this in front of the entire world. People pissed me right off.

Nothing new to report with the pregnancy. Thankfully I'm not even close to as sick as I was with both E. and Drew. But I am so tired (I know, I know, I keep saying that). I don't think your body is meant to be pregnant twice in a year. That and my whirlwind of a 3-year old exhaust me continually. I'm also having problems sleeping again but I'm not even going to take a sleeping pill even though I've been assured that they're ok. I can't get comfortable (I'm mainly a stomach sleeper--can't do that now) and my brain just won't stop running. Otherwise everything's just peachy! :D (It really is, I'll take exhaustion over nausea/vomiting anyday.)

I do crave chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream all the time. I usually don't care for ice cream except on the rare ocassion but I could eat it all the time now. And my supersonic sense of smell that always accompanies pregnancy kills me at the grocery store. The combination of the deli, seafood and pet food just....ugh. I can smell the pet food out in the parking lot.

Going to go try and lay down now. Until next time.


Shawn C said...

I know what you mean about the song thing. Years ago, my Grandfather died and I lived out of province. I was about 16 when he died. When I moved back at the age of 18, I finally went to his grave. I was devastated, and felt so lost.

When I got back in my car, I tried to compose myself and turned on the radio. The song "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders was on. I had only been trying to find that song for 5 years or more. Grandpa was there....and he was saying hello.

Catherine said...

It's not oldies if it came out during our lifetime. Or at least that is what my husband and I have decided. :o)

Your words about ANS are so true. You do lose your mind a little bit. And until someone has to go through that pain, they have no right to judge.

Sounds like you've got a message from Drew in that song. That makes me smile.

baby Jackson said...

Hi Jana just saying hi. I think about you alot and pray that you and your family are doing well.
O.K. I feel extremly old that one of my fav bands from my younger days is on the oldie station. I am way too young for that. Well I hope you continue to feel ok.
I am sending the thing I made you a long time ago this week.

Emma said...

Your words about ANS are sooooooooooooo true. I would never judge her, I dont like her but my heart broke when I heard her news beacuse I know how much her son meant to her. I think people are too quick to judge and your words hopefully have made them realise some things from ANS perspective.

Hugs to you, and I'm glad Raymond is on the mend :D

Aunt Donna said...

I also understand the song thing. Just Another Day in Paradise was the song played at Brandon's funeral and I heard it everywhere after. I think we are just more aware. I still hear it at the craziest times. Seems like when I need it most, on the radio it comes.

I too get very angry when people are critical about the way others mourn the loss of a child. They don't have a clue if they haven't had the experience. All people grieve differently and I guarantee that I have done things I would never have imagined me doing. Losing a child is a parent's worse nightmare and nobody, I mean nobody, needs to judge them for their behavior.

Sorry to get on my soapbox but that is a touchy item. Glad to hear you're doing great. Love ya, Aunt Donna

V said...

A friend sang The Rose by Bette Midle at Kendra's memorial service and I have not heard it often since then. Until now... Westlife have decided to bring out their own version and it sounds like it will be played a lot.

So, like Catherine says, I think we must think of the song as their way of saying hi to us and instead of being sad every time we hear the song we must just say Hi right back.

I must get that book that you mentioned. Another book which I found very interesting was 'Hello from heaven' by Bill and Judy Guggenheim.