Saturday, November 25, 2006

Bad, bad, bad

I think that I've had the worst week I've experienced since Drew's death. It has just sucked very, very bad. I can now say that I hate the holiday season that I used to love. I don't like anything about it right now. Everyone's all happy over Thanksgiving and Christmas and I could not care less. I haven't even bought Christmas presents yet and I'm the one who usually has most of that done by the end of August. I don't want to be around happy people getting ready to celebrate. I want to scream at them to stop it.

Standing in my MIL's kitchen on Thanksgiving Day, guess what song came on the radio?! Yep, Josh Grobin. Even Elizabeth, a 3 year old, noticed. I skipped an extended family get together today for many reasons. Reasons that I don't want to go into but the main one is that I just feel like I have nothing to celebrate. I'm thankful for E. and family and friends every stinking day of my life but I am NOT thankful that my son isn't here in my arms. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm pissed off. I'd make great company, wouldn't I? Just as well that I skipped it.

Every year, the Children's Hospital erects a memory tree in the lobby of the tower that Drew was in. We are invited to attend a ceremony and hang an ornament in memory of our lost child(ren). I was excited to go when I got the news but now I just don't know. What sucks is that in the letter, they had to include a warning not to get an expensive ornament because there are people out there who will steal and/or destroy them. What kind of person would do that to something special in memory of a dead child?! That makes me so angry.

I don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. I will for E. but I don't know if I'll make it to big family celebrations. I either feel like everyone is looking at me with sympathy, they expect me to be "over" Drew's death, or all they want to talk about is my pregnancy (ignoring Drew as if he never existed). I know it's a difficult position for others to be in (being around me) but I just don't care anymore. I'm feeling sorry for myself and trust me, it's more difficult to stand in our shoes than it is to be the family/friend of us. If it pisses people off that I skip celebrations, oh well. They'll either get over it or they won't. It's not a big deal to me anymore. I can't continue to put on the face of normalcy that people want to see.

It is NOT normal to still be grieving one son so intensely while expecting the birth of another. Nothing can make that normal. I have not had adequate time to grieve the loss of Drew and I'm expected to be happy about the impending birth of Carson. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm not. You would not believe the worries that go through my mind every second of every day. Not all of them are rational and I realize that but some are valid concerns.

Yep, I'm a lot of fun right now. I'm in a mood and probably will be for a while. I have another ultrasound on December 7th that I'm worried about too. Just call me Scrooge or the Grinch.


Catherine said...

Actually, I would believe the worries that go through your mind. I think you are doing miraculously well, considering. And you know what? Christmas will still be there. So if you have to take a break from all the hoopla this year, then take a break. Who cares what everyone else thinks? You have to take care of you.

kctwinmommy said...

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all these emotions! I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to still be grieving the loss of Drew and still be excited about Carson's arrival.

You shouldn't feel guilty, bad, or anything at all for skipping things right now. You're still healing and you need to do what's right for you. I wish others could realize that too and not make you feel any worse right now. It takes time to heal a wound, and only you can decide when that wound is healed, and that's if it ever is.

Sending you some big ((((HUGS)))) and I hope that ultrasound goes well!!


Butterfly Girl said...

I'm praying for you through this difficult time I just wanted to reach out and let you know that.

Gina said...

Oh Jana, I am sorry. I know what you mean about not wanting to celebrate although mine are for different reasons (hubby is in Iraq). I'm sure people will understand and if not who cares. You have to do what is best for you. I think of you often!

Jennifer said...

OR, we'll just call you a greiving mother who has EVERY right to each emotion you're feeling. If it helps to say screw the people that can't be understanding, then say that too.
I appreciate your honesty here and hope that getting it out is somehow helpful.
I hurt for you and long for the day that your pain is a little less sharp.


Emma said...

These holidays bring out emotions and anyone who judges you for your's is not worth it. Like you said, they will get over it...or they wont (and if they dont that is very selfish of them). Do what YOU have to do for you, E and R.

Thinking of you mate ((((((((HUGS)))))))))


Shawn C said...

Awww...Jana. That's crappy that you feel so crappy - you will do what you know is right for yourself during the holidays. People will have to understand. If they don't...well....WHO CARES!?!

I hope you find even a shred of peace in the idea that Drew is always with you.

Anonymous said...

Grief takes many forms and you have every right to feel the way that you do. It is normal and natural to feel the way you are feeling. It takes a long time to come to terms with what you have went through - Drew is still a part of your life and always will be. You will never forget him and time is what is needed for you to heal. I can understand how you feel about Christmas, even though I didn't lose a child, I will be celebrating Christmas without my dad who died in March. You think you are okay and then something reminds you of it so I do understand how you must feel. I will be thinking of you and yours. God Bless....

Michelle (bunnynut)

Kathy McC said...

Just wanted to send you a (((hug))). I can't say I understand becuase I have never been in your shoes, but I can certainly relate. I lost a baby two weeks before Christmas in 2004. She was the second baby I lost that year. Now, the holidays just don't seem the same. It's hard to celebrate when such a large part of your heart is missing.

I hope that you can try not to take what other people think or say too seriously. It's hard to ignore insensitive, yet well meaning people. It's maddening. But Catherine is right...who cares what they all think. You need to take care of you.

Wishing you peace...

Anonymous said...

Jana, I wish that I had the words to help cheer you up so all I can say to you is that you are in my prayers sweetie. Not a day goes by without you in my thoughts. I hope that is enough to let you know that Drew's memory will always be with so many of us and that you are cared about very much.

Hugs from Nat

wifeofjimmy said...

You don't know me, but I'm a friend of Kimberly's and have been following y'all from the beginning. I am so sorry for everything you have to go through. I pray for you always. I know there is no comfort right now, but know that there are people out there who are praying that you will find comfort soon.
Love in Christ,