Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Talk about MAJOR Braxton-Hicks contractions. For about 3 hours this evening, they've been horrible. And they weren't really going away like they should when I walked, drank water, etc. They finally stopped about 20 minutes ago but I was getting worried. I had BH with both of my other kids but not for prolonged periods of time or very strong. Anyway, that's over with for now. Now I'm just fat and achy like a normal PG woman. :D

I see my OB every 2 weeks now. I saw her yesterday and everything's good. Carson's heartrate was 156 (he likes that number for some reason) and I'm measuring 29 at 28 weeks. My blood pressure was 100/70!!! That's even lower than usual; I've never had high blood pressure issues but that's impressive. Still working on my brith plan, if E. is any indication, Carson will arrive right around my due date (E. was 2 days over). I'm pretty sure that Drew would have been as well. Time is just growing way too short. I'm not ready for any of this yet. Guess I'd better GET ready, shouldn't I?!

I'm trying to teach E. how to hold and take care of a baby by using her dolls. She's pretty good at holding the baby but then she goes nuts and grabs it by the head and starts banging on the table or throws it across the room, laughing the entire time. *sigh* Nah, she's really pretty good. We've talked about covering the baby with blankets, how baby ONLY eats milk from Mommy (no snacks from her plate), etc. She just wants Carson to come out and play in Molly's (dog) yard with her. She wants to give him a bath too. He was moving all around yesterday and she was just so happy! Laughing, touching my belly, talking to Carson, etc. It was so sweet. She never really got that it was Drew moving inside of me last year but she totally gets it this time. She even says, "I'm your good helper, Mommy. I be a GREAT big sister!"

Now from happy stuff to more depressing stuff. American Idol depresses me. Probably not for the reason that you think--the horrible singers we are subjected to hearing. No, because it was in full swing last year when Drew was in the hospital. It was the ONE show that R. and I made sure to watch before going to the hospital at night. We'd be the ones updating all of the nurses on who did well and stuff. The show is now just tied to Drew in my mind and I can't separate the two. I'm telling you, stuff like that is so stupid but it becomes a huge thing in my mind.

(An aside, I wish that Bush would just hush right now. I'm tired of yelling at the TV already. Not that anyone else who's coming up is going to be any better. I'm disillusioned and cynical at this point.)

And would someone please remind me not to ever watch medical dramas on TV? I do ok with factual stuff on Discovery Health and the like but shows like "Grey's Anatomy" leave me sobbing. Watching George and family make the decision to discontinue life support for his father and then standing around his bed while it was done took me back to April 16, 2006. I was actually SEEING us with Drew on the television screen. I remember every word said to us that day and every emotion felt. Make no mistake, there were a wide range of emotions: from extreme sadness, feelings of loss, relief, grief, unfairness, happiness Drew was no longer in pain, etc. I should expect these shows to make me cry but darn it, how hard would it be to add a warning that the episode deals with a sick child or death? I know that's unreasonable but it doesn't change the way I feel.

Taxes. I guess losing a child is a pretty special circumstance. And forget losing one who 1) never "lived" with you, 2) died within the same year of birth, and 3) didn't live at least 6 months. You would not believe the issues that arise and how hard you have to dig to get the correct answers. Forget calling the IRS, they have no freaking clue and just serve to piss me off. I have my answers now but it shouldn't be so difficult. It's almost as if they want to compund your grief and it would be better if the child never existed. I know, I know. It's nothing personal; it's the way bureauocracies work and the tax code is a mess. I REALIZE this but that doesn't mean that I have to like it or expect it to be easier. I really don't think that our situation is all that unique, though I wish that it were. Trust me, the governtment could gladly screw me out of medical expenses if I had Drew. That and the $3300 dependent deduction are about all that we have to show taxwise for Drew's life. So that's how much his life was worth, huh? I'm just very pissy right now. I'm always pissy at tax time but especially this year.

I was doing pretty well lately regarding Drew. I really was; I found myself looking forward instead of looking back (future vs. past). This tax shit just has the entire ordeal rushing back into the present for me. Now I'm not doing so well with stuff. I'm ok during the day, it's still the nights that get me. I fear that it always will be.

Well, Bush is showing no signs of shutting his trap so I'm going to stop crying now and go get mad and yell at him. :) (And I'm one of the idiots who voted for him for the lack of a better can now stone me.) And quit showing Hillary Clinton on my television. Show other people also. I dislike the news media immensely. Told you that I was pissy.