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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Rambling

I'm a bad, bad Mommy. I'm sitting here pigging out on the dark chocolate M&M's that the Easter Bunny was going to give to Elizabeth. But they are sooooooooooo good. Kid can have something else! I do have to hide them before she and R. get back from the gym.

Let's see...not much new going on here. Just waiting, waiting, waiting. I supposedly have less than 3 weeks until my due date. But they'll let me go 5 weeks before discussing induction (I don't really think that will be an issue). I REALLY want Carson to go to term but damn, I'm DONE. DONE, DONE, DONE. I know that he's not going to fall out every time I stand up but it sure as heck feels like it. And the 2 contractions an hour around the clock are uncomfortable, to say the least. Add to that the constant need to pee (or think you need to and then you try to go and nothing comes out!) and heartburn and indegestion and swelling and...well, you get the picture. Have I mentioned before that I don't like being pregnant?! Especially twice in 13 months.

I saw my doctor again yesterday; I see her every Monday until Carson arrives now. I'm declining any further physical exams (dilation checks) because I can (:D) so all we have to go on is that I was 1 cm. at 36 weeks. I had gained 5 POUNDS in 1 WEEK. And I was worried about what I'd gained so far. I have now gained 3 more pounds than I did with Drew (25 lbs. vs. 28 lbs.) but I still think that Carson will be substantially smaller than Drew. I don't even think that I gained 20 lbs. when PG with Elizabeth. I just have never gained a ton.

Anyway, my blood pressure was great (110/70) and Carson's heart rate was 138 bpm. It was registering in the 120s until he heard E. talk and then it sped up. He responds to her like no one else. She talks or touches my belly, he moves. Raymond talks or touches my belly, he refuses to move. Same with anyone else. Drew was like that too--he responded to E. like no one else and it continued after birth. He would just stare at her and give her this certain look that no one else got. Just thinking of that makes me tear up. Humor me, this sibling stuff is all new for me.

I don't want to bore everyone with details but I do want to say, again, how kind people are. Just as we were shown such compassion when Drew was sick and died, the same compassion and kindness shines through now that Carson's birth is so near. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. Internally, I'm a nervous wreck.

There are just no words appropriate to describe what goes on in my head with regards to this birth. My current stressor is if I want Carson born before or after Drew's angel day (day he died). In the grand scheme of things, it does not matter. I know that but it's just one of my current obsessions.

I am going to mention 1 specific person now. Her name is Laurie and I have had the pleasure of meeting her online. Her first son passed away due to a genetic defect called SMA. She and her husband have a daughter and lost another son at 18 weeks gestation. She has seen more tragedy in her life than most people yet the kindness and grace that she demonstrates inspires me. What she has done for SMA families and research is amazing. I will be updating my links later this week to include information about SMA.

I mention Laurie because she read about the book that the Miller family sent me for Carson. It is a favorite of her family and she knows the author. She generously contacted the author and has arranged for her (the author) to sign our copy for the kids in memory of Drew!! How amazing is that?! This just reaches out to my heart in such a great way--both from the Miller family and Laurie.

That's the kind of kindness that you have all shown us and it's amazing. It has helped me to become a more kind person and I hope that I have been able to help some families that have had to endure the loss of their child.

Uh-oh. Tantrum time. I didn't get the M&M's put up in time. Buggie saw them and is currently on the floor screaming because I won't let her have any. (They are now MINE. I'm so mean, like I said.) She doesn't need any this close to bedtime, I'm not really THAT mean; she'll get some tomorrow if I don't eat them all tonight. :D

I want to ask everyone to add my friend Pam to their thoughts and prayers. Her daughter was born an angel a few weeks ago and her due date has just passed (last Friday). She is, understandably, struggling and I wish that there was something that I could do for her and her family. So please, add her to the list of kids that I keep asking you to think of. (You know, all of those CDH kiddos, Sasha, etc.)

Also keep McKenna's family in your thoughts. I received such a wonderful message from her mother not long ago. I will be adding McKenna's link this week also. She is a CDH/ECMO survivor but has many residual issues. Most of them can be traced back to her time on ECMO, if I understand correctly. Because of this, her family has made the decision to go with hospice for her care. Just reading about McKenna had me crying so hard, it's just not right.

I've had to take a step back from all of the CDH stuff during this pregnancy. I just couldn't be as involved with it as I was. I feel that maybe I can get back into a bit now or after Carson arrives and I know for a fact that he is ok. I apologize to my CDH friends for my withdrawal; luckily, I feel that most of them understand. I didn't forget Avery's birthday. How could I?! It was the 17th and she was such a precious girl. She was also born on Drew's due date wich makes her extra special. Lauren, I hope that you got my message on the 17th and know that you were in my thoughts.

Dancing With the Stars is on now, as is American Idol (this is going to be difficult) so I must go pay attention. :P

1 comments:

carole said...

Jana,
Mmmmm...dark chocolate m&m's. Yummy. My photog through NILMDTS has photographer 3 SMA babies. She was just talking about it on her site.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
~Carole