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Friday, July 13, 2007

Hard times...again

Well, it's hitting me again. Drew's struggle and death has come crashing down, making me feel like such a failure. The feelings of loss are so strong. Maybe it's because I watch my Carson and hear him "talk" to me--that brings home all that we missed out on with Drew. I've done pretty good until today.

Today we went to the cemetery. I had been putting it off because lately, everytime I've gone, I come home depressed. But I've had new flowers for him for about 2 months and really wanted to get them out there. R. wouldn't do it while we were out-of-town (it was raining). So the kids and I went. I left them in the car for various reasons but they were good.

We've had over 36" of rain this year. That's our yearly total so it was very wet out there. Being under a tree, Drew's grave was basically just a mudpit with sprigs of grass here and there. That was depressing. At least the rain washes the bird poop off of the headstone.

I was putting his new flowers in his vase and mentally beating myself up for not going out in so long. I pull the flowers out and there's an explosion of ants. They crawled up my arms, legs, everywhere. Nasty little things. That pissed me off to see freaking disgusting ants ALIVE at my son's grave. Not an entirely rational reaction but there you have it.

There were also some beautiful flowers left by his grandparents. I called to thank my MIL when we got home and they were put out a while ago. I told you that I've been avoiding going to the grave. How horrible is that?! I'm avoiding the place where my son's body rests. Ugh. Anyway, it makes me feel so good that others remember him and visit him.

As I'm arranging the flowers, I just start to sob. Very quiet sobs that shook my body. I could not stop. I cannot get over losing my son. I cannot move past it. My heart hurts so much; it feels like something is squeezing it at all times. My baby boy is gone, I will never seen him again. I will never hold him. There are so many regrets that I have. I know that it's just his body in the grave but I want to dig it up so I can hold him again. It's sick, I know. I should have pushed to hold him when he was alive because, let's face it, when we finally did get to hold him, he was gone. A machine was keeping him alive but DREW was gone.

I don't know how to live life now. I'm there for my family, I adore them more than anything but Drew is NEVER off my mind. You don't get it unless you've been through it. One of the kids does something and I immediately think, "Would Drew have done this?" I don't voice these feelings because people are sick of hearing about them and I don't blame them. Life goes on. But it feels as though part of my life will never go on. It will be stuck in 2006 forever. I don't know who I am anymore; Drew profoundly changed me so much that I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning in my grief most of the time. I put on a smile and play with the kids but I can't commit 100% because Drew should be playing with us. It's so fucking unfair! All I want is my first son back. I want him to be able to live a long life.

The cries have not stopped since we were at the cemetery almost 5 hours ago. Sometimes it just hits me like this. I knew it would and that's why I kept putting off the trip.

E. kills me sometimes when she pulls up my blog to watch Drew's video. She has a running commentary that opens my wounds even deeper. Sometimes she confuses Drew with Carson and then she'll say, "No, that's Drew. He died. But it's ok because Carson's here now and he won't die." :( She's been on this kick lately of asking if people/things are going to die like Drew did.

Both kids seem to know that Mommy needed an easy day today--they've both been sleeping for a couple of hours. I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing. When they occupy me, my thoughts don't get so morbid.

Today was also Calypso's memorial service. I wish that I could have been there. You never realize just how many babies die until it happens to you and then you seem to seek each other out and it hits you how often it happens.

On a good note, Sasha appears to be doing exceptionally well. I am so happy for her and her family! She's a special girl with a special family and they deserve nothing but the best outcome.

I wrote up Drew's story again and submitted it to a website to post. I hope that it will be up soon. I cried the entire time I was writing it, reliving things, and adding our new details. Each day seems to bring more difficulties when thinking of Drew. I see how much E. loves C. and know that she loved Drew just as much but she didn't get to show him like she does C. My theory is that's why she's SO loving toward Carson. He's going to kick her ass someday for this. :)

June 29 was another special day. It was Raymond's cousin Brandon's birthday. He would have been 25. Brandon was killed in a car accident when he was only 18. His mother Donna has been such a great support person for me. At family gatherings, she and I sit back and watch sadly. And with some anger at times. Brandon was a special man in many ways--not the least being that he was so very premature that his survival was questionable. It brings me quite a bit of comfort to know that wherever Drew is, he is not alone. Brandon loved children and I know that he's taking care of his cousin. I just wish that they were both here with Brandon taking care of Drew. I wish that Brandon were here getting married and having kids. That's what should be happening in his life at this point. I ask that you keep both of these special boys in your thoughts and prayers, and Danny and Donna too. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Donna to talk to. We can talk about things that others find too sad and/or morbid. We love you guys.

That's it for now, I can't do anymore. My eyes hurt almost as much as my heart.

9 comments:

Julie said...

((HUGS))
xo
j

Karen said...

Oh, sweetie...I'm so sorry things have been so hard lately. I'm thinking of you constantly and praying for you--praying for strength, peace and comfort. No one will forget Drew, and you will see him again someday. I hope tomorrow's a better day.

Call me anytime, babe.
Love, Karen

Silas Charles Kyne said...

I am crying with/for you and missing Drew... I don't think life will EVER be 100% normal again for you or for anyone who is touched by such a deep loss. Remember, even though it may seem like it, not everyone is tired of hearing about your pain and sorrow. There are some of us who will listen/read for as long as you need to talk/type and will not judge.
Love ~Tanaya~
www.silaskyne.blogspot.com

Gina said...

Thinking of you Jana!

Anonymous said...

Hugs sweetie. We never grow tired of listening/reading about your pain. We will always be here as long as you need us. I will never forget Drew and will always miss him. Never as deeply as his mommy though. I am here for you if you need me. Just give me a call.
Christina

*Darcie* said...

Jana~

You never have to worry about any of us being tired about hearing you talk about Drew. I am sorry it hit you so hard! I know what you mean about wanting to hold him again. I have found that I havent made it out to the cemetery as often here lately, because I too end up leaving feeling really down. I can only imagine at this point what it is like for you to have Carson there with you. I too have thought ahead to how I might deal with the thoughts of wondering where Carli would have been at any given point. I know that if I am blessed to have another baby, I will be thinking of Carli everytime the new baby reaches a milestone. Hell, I already think about what she would be doing now if she was here. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug...please know you can talk to us anytime!!

Big hugs~
Darcie

Shawna said...

Hey Jana, I found this on a site I follow.. I know you are on the outs with God right now :) But I thought would still appreciate the meaning behind it..

This author describes the death of a child to an experience he had as a young boy, watching fireworks with his mother. He was so awed by the beauty of the fireworks that he unknowingly wandered away from his mother. She spent a desperate 10 minutes trying to find him, shouting and screaming his name, fear tearing her apart. And just as he turned to say, "Mommy, look at that one!" she appeared around the corner. For her, the separation was agonizing; for him, it was as if those 10 minutes simply didn't exist, he was so absorbed in the glory before him."

Yes - I am hoping that * is so awed by the glory of Heaven that he doesn't realize we are separated! It is agonizing for me - but brings me peace in knowing that * doesn't know this time apart exists. What a great thought!

You are always in my thoughts and prayers..
Shawna (Aug Cafe)

Kendra's mom said...

Wish I could say something to help you but I know I can't. I am sorry you are going through such a bad time right now. I also haven't been out to the memorial park for quite a while and am feeling terribly guilty about it.
{{{BIG HUG}}}

Aunt Donna said...

Jana, Just catching up on your comments. I stop by and read about once a week. It meant so much to see you mention Brandon. I too cherish our friendship. It is such a help to have you at family gatherings. Yesterday was hell but we made it together. Will talk soon. Much love to you, Raymond, and the kids. Just think how much Grandma Lewallen is enjoying herself as Brandon has introduced her to Drew.