A few things

First, I cannot believe that Drew would have had to live with such a severe and constant level of reflux, indigestion, etc. The comparative little that I'm having with this PG is about to kill me right now. So I can be grateful that he does not have to go through THAT at least. (Yes, I know that there are medications and surgeries to help but still, it sucks.)

I don't think that I posted that I updated Elizabeth's website last week. Some of you probably got an e-mail to that effect but others may not have so check it out. She's pretty cute if I do say so myself. :)

And finally, I updated my links. I have added a link to Sasha's site as well as Marshall's--two kids who suffer(ed) from problems other than CDH. I have also added CDH babies on the way, a few survivors and sadly, a few angels. I encourage you to read about every one of these kids and their families because they're all so special and amazing.

Rambling

I'm a bad, bad Mommy. I'm sitting here pigging out on the dark chocolate M&M's that the Easter Bunny was going to give to Elizabeth. But they are sooooooooooo good. Kid can have something else! I do have to hide them before she and R. get back from the gym.

Let's see...not much new going on here. Just waiting, waiting, waiting. I supposedly have less than 3 weeks until my due date. But they'll let me go 5 weeks before discussing induction (I don't really think that will be an issue). I REALLY want Carson to go to term but damn, I'm DONE. DONE, DONE, DONE. I know that he's not going to fall out every time I stand up but it sure as heck feels like it. And the 2 contractions an hour around the clock are uncomfortable, to say the least. Add to that the constant need to pee (or think you need to and then you try to go and nothing comes out!) and heartburn and indegestion and swelling and...well, you get the picture. Have I mentioned before that I don't like being pregnant?! Especially twice in 13 months.

I saw my doctor again yesterday; I see her every Monday until Carson arrives now. I'm declining any further physical exams (dilation checks) because I can (:D) so all we have to go on is that I was 1 cm. at 36 weeks. I had gained 5 POUNDS in 1 WEEK. And I was worried about what I'd gained so far. I have now gained 3 more pounds than I did with Drew (25 lbs. vs. 28 lbs.) but I still think that Carson will be substantially smaller than Drew. I don't even think that I gained 20 lbs. when PG with Elizabeth. I just have never gained a ton.

Anyway, my blood pressure was great (110/70) and Carson's heart rate was 138 bpm. It was registering in the 120s until he heard E. talk and then it sped up. He responds to her like no one else. She talks or touches my belly, he moves. Raymond talks or touches my belly, he refuses to move. Same with anyone else. Drew was like that too--he responded to E. like no one else and it continued after birth. He would just stare at her and give her this certain look that no one else got. Just thinking of that makes me tear up. Humor me, this sibling stuff is all new for me.

I don't want to bore everyone with details but I do want to say, again, how kind people are. Just as we were shown such compassion when Drew was sick and died, the same compassion and kindness shines through now that Carson's birth is so near. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. Internally, I'm a nervous wreck.

There are just no words appropriate to describe what goes on in my head with regards to this birth. My current stressor is if I want Carson born before or after Drew's angel day (day he died). In the grand scheme of things, it does not matter. I know that but it's just one of my current obsessions.

I am going to mention 1 specific person now. Her name is Laurie and I have had the pleasure of meeting her online. Her first son passed away due to a genetic defect called SMA. She and her husband have a daughter and lost another son at 18 weeks gestation. She has seen more tragedy in her life than most people yet the kindness and grace that she demonstrates inspires me. What she has done for SMA families and research is amazing. I will be updating my links later this week to include information about SMA.

I mention Laurie because she read about the book that the Miller family sent me for Carson. It is a favorite of her family and she knows the author. She generously contacted the author and has arranged for her (the author) to sign our copy for the kids in memory of Drew!! How amazing is that?! This just reaches out to my heart in such a great way--both from the Miller family and Laurie.

That's the kind of kindness that you have all shown us and it's amazing. It has helped me to become a more kind person and I hope that I have been able to help some families that have had to endure the loss of their child.

Uh-oh. Tantrum time. I didn't get the M&M's put up in time. Buggie saw them and is currently on the floor screaming because I won't let her have any. (They are now MINE. I'm so mean, like I said.) She doesn't need any this close to bedtime, I'm not really THAT mean; she'll get some tomorrow if I don't eat them all tonight. :D

I want to ask everyone to add my friend Pam to their thoughts and prayers. Her daughter was born an angel a few weeks ago and her due date has just passed (last Friday). She is, understandably, struggling and I wish that there was something that I could do for her and her family. So please, add her to the list of kids that I keep asking you to think of. (You know, all of those CDH kiddos, Sasha, etc.)

Also keep McKenna's family in your thoughts. I received such a wonderful message from her mother not long ago. I will be adding McKenna's link this week also. She is a CDH/ECMO survivor but has many residual issues. Most of them can be traced back to her time on ECMO, if I understand correctly. Because of this, her family has made the decision to go with hospice for her care. Just reading about McKenna had me crying so hard, it's just not right.

I've had to take a step back from all of the CDH stuff during this pregnancy. I just couldn't be as involved with it as I was. I feel that maybe I can get back into a bit now or after Carson arrives and I know for a fact that he is ok. I apologize to my CDH friends for my withdrawal; luckily, I feel that most of them understand. I didn't forget Avery's birthday. How could I?! It was the 17th and she was such a precious girl. She was also born on Drew's due date wich makes her extra special. Lauren, I hope that you got my message on the 17th and know that you were in my thoughts.

Dancing With the Stars is on now, as is American Idol (this is going to be difficult) so I must go pay attention. :P

Place your bets

I saw my OB for my 36 week check-up/GBS swab toady. That's group B strep for those not in the know--if positive you need antibiotics during delivery. There's a long explanation for it but it's fairly normal and common; I was GBS- for both of my other pregnancies but that means nothing. I got my birth plan approved with very little discussion. :) My biggies are no problem, like no episiotomy. My OB says that she doesn't do them anyway. YAY!!! I hated recovering from that with E. Anyway.....

Time to place your bets on when Carson will arrive. There's no stopping labor now if it starts. Let's see, I gained another pound (23 pounds so far), urine was clear, BP was high for me at 128/72 and I measured in at 37 centimeters, 1 week ahead. Carson's heart rate was 128 bpm and he kicked up a storm for the doctor. She said that he might be small but he's spunky. That's my kid. His head is resting on the left side of my pelvis between the cervix and hip. He's been in that position for as long as I can remember, the exact same position as Drew and E. (I think; I know that she was head down early on and stayed that way like Drew and Carson). Haven't lost my mucous plug yet (I know that it can regenerate).

This past weekend, and especially today, I've been having contractions. They are not big ones and not necessarily painful but very uncomfortable. They are not Braxton Hicks contractions according to the doctor, they're the real deal and can continue on for weeks. Lucky me, it's just making me miserable at this point. I cannot find a comfortable position for the life of me. The last month of PG really kicks my ass physically.

One more pertinent bit of information before predicting the day Carson gets here--I'm only dilated to 1 cm. and my cervix is still high. That depressed me even though I want to go to term; anyone who has endured those last 4 weeks of PG knows how much you just want the darn baby out due to discomfort.

So there's the deal on Carson. My own prediction, and take it for what it's worth since I was off with E. and off with Drew, is that Carson will be born about 1 week past his due date (around April 23) and will weigh somewhere between E. and Drew, say 6 lbs. 4 oz.

It's spring break out here this week and it's supposed to rain all week long so wish me well that I retain my sanity with E. She's becoming increasingly difficult and argumentative.

Ok, just one E. story. I can't resist because something like this would only happen to a family that has been through what we have (I know that many of you can relate). And only we would find it amusing. She has a Wiggles ride-on car that she's really too big for but she likes it anyway. She was pushing it around the living room saying that it was her, "cemetery car." She would put various items on it and take them to the cemetery. What a kid, it made me sad and smile at the same time.

(Relatively) Short and sweet

Not much to post. E. and I went to TX to visit my parents on the 9th. Needed to escape this place for a while. We got home on Wednesday but R. has been in Seattle since last Sunday. He'll be home at some point tonight. E. is currently driving me crazy and is screaming for her daddy in her room.

Did ok with Drew's b-day; not great but not horribly bad. I had some smiles on his b-day along with my tears.

I will reiterate once again (*sigh*) that this is how I get things out. I write here. I AM FINE. I am getting a bit pissy that people keep assuming that I'm out of my fucking mind because of what I may write here. It's very frustrating. I do well in day-to-day life and I can PROMISE you that if you met me on the street, you would never know that I had lost a child. So just stop, please. Until you've been there, don't even try to understand. 'K?! (The screaming child is my main issue at the moment and is getting on my nerves. She's been a complete TERROR today.)

Since she's been so not nice today, I'll share a funny story from yesterday to remind myself why I enjoy motherhood. I had to bribe E. to get her in the car to go to the store because she just did not want to go. And when a strong-willed 3.5 doesn't want to go, she don't wanna go. So I told her that if she got in her carseat, she'd get a surprise. Her face lit up, she ran for the door and said, "Is it a piece of string, Mommy?!!!!" Uh, no. I'm not that horrible of a mother but she genuinely wanted a piece of string for some reason. She got a sucker instead (and threw a tantrum that it wasn't a piece of string) but she was strapped in so all was well. String?! I don't get it but it made me laugh.

I see the doctor on Monday for my 36 week check-up. I'll find out then if I'm dilated any and all of that nice stuff. The way I've been feeling, I just might be. You know the song "Under Pressure?" Yeah, let's just leave it at that although I don't think that Carson will be early. Hope he's not.

Happy Birthday, Buddy Boy

Well, I waited to post until most of the day was gone. Today was Drew's first birthday. It was a very difficult day for me but there were some laughs thanks to his big sister (she made "squishies" in the backyard--that means a mud pit and she was covered from head to toe). She also informed me that it was NOT Drew's birthday today, it was Carson's. And, "I'm NOT going to say happy birthday to Drew." :( I have a theory on why she said that but it's not imporatant to anyone but us.

I took her to school this morning, went into my FIL's office and worked for a bit and then went to the cemetery. It was nice to go by myself and not have to worry about E. switching the flowers on the graves or remain strapped in the car crying to get out. It was a perfectly beautiful day, low to no wind, temp. in the 70s.

Damn birds had crapped all over Drew's headstone so I cleaned it and put out the flowers that I got for him. They're not exactly blue hydrangea, more of a purplish/blue but the blue ones were a garish blue. Not like the beautiful ones on his casket. I couldn't find any in that shade. :( I also put in some lillies (did I spell that right?).



Then I'm looking at the back of his stone (cleaning the bird feces off of it) and made a note to call our headstone company. We will be adding Carson's name under Elizabeth's but I'm afraid to do it before he's born. I've become rather superstitious in the past year. Anyway, here's the back, imagine it saying "and Carson."



E. and I baked cupcakes yesterday for Drew's b-day. She chose everything except the icing (Mommy wanted, no NEEDED, chocolate) so it was a "Cars" theme. Just like her Daddy's birthday cupcakes were. Here they are and they are yummy, I wish that Drew could taste them.



Today was full of memories for me. I remember almost every single small detail of Drew's birth and immediate aftermath and it really came back to me today. It was like a punch in the gut at times. Here goes the reminicising, feel free to skip it, I've written all of it before. Speaking of, I read all of my old blog entries last night--big mistake. Things that I had "forgotten" came flooding back in wave after unpleasant wave. But there were also good memories and those are the ones that I hang onto.
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I remember a house full of grandparents and a very active E. on March 7, 2006. I remember taking some time to bathe and reflect on my pregnancy. I remember heading for the hospital with Raymond at about 11:20 p.m. I remember that I could not get my darn driver's license out of the clear pocket for the lady to make a copy of it. I have not kept it in that place since then.

I remember feeling faint and vomiting while 2 nurses were trying to insert an IV. I remember R. telling me that I got even MORE pale, as if that was possible. I remember contractions coming and trying to sleep. I heard the door open around 3 a.m. and later found out it was my FIL; I figured that it was a nurse peeking in.

I remember liking my overnight nurse ok. She told me to disconnect the fetal monitor and go pee when I needed to do so. I remember my morning nurse was a total bitch (name of Amber, I remember that too) who jumped on me when I disconnected to go pee. She informed me that I HAD to use a bedpan. I remember thanking G-d that my husband is such a damn good guy because he had to hold and dump that damn bedpan. That's an event that unites you for life if nothing else does.

I remember E. coming in to see me and making me smile. She climbed up on the bed with me and loved on me. I remember telling R. that my parents could come back but that no one else could. I wanted them to know that I was ok, I know what it's like to worry about your kid. I remember stadol and seeing multiples of things, like my husband. I think that I told him that he was very handsome. :)

I remember my doctor arriving to check me and break my water. When my water broke, I remember soaking a dozen towels laid underneath me and the fluid going onto the floor. That polyhydraminos (excess amniotic fluid) makes a difference. :) I remember, mid-contraction, the doctor doing an exam. That's the worst time to do one, for the record. I remember shaking my head and saying, "No, no, no..." and trying to squeeze my legs shut. I remember what felt like an entire hand and forearm inside of me. I remember thinking, "Is this fucking necessary?!"

I remember just sobbing and R. coming back into the room to find me a mess. He found a wife requesting a c-section because of the way she was being manhandled. I think we all know how I feel about sections--I did NOT want one so things must have been very bad for me to request one. He questioned me pretty closely before going to tell the nurse that I had decided on a section.

After hearing that decision, I remember being treated much better by Nurse Bitch.

I remember being wheeled to the OR, crying the entire time. I remember getting my spinal while 17 (I counted) people prepared things and talked about what to do on the weekend while my ass was hanging out of the back of my gown and I was receiving multiple shots in the spine. I remember that they wouldn't let R. be there for that or for quite a while afterwards and it upsetting me.

I remember R.'s blue alien "suit," and them finally ushering him in after or during the first cut. I remember hearing, "This is the most perfect umbilical cord that I've ever seen," and "He DOES have a big head."

Most of all, I remember being more terrified than I ever have in my life. Absolute terror.

I remember 2 very, very wheezy weak cries from Drew and R. saying, "Oh my G-d, he's purple." I remember that I never got to see him in the OR. I remember a doctor pulling R. out into the hall to talk to him and getting pissed off. I wanted to know what in the hell was going on and they wouldn't talk about my son in front of me, I couldn't feel anything from the mid-chest down much less walk, the doctors were stitching me up and talking about golf. The room had quickly emptied--the only people left were 2 doctors stitching, anestheologist (sp?), nurse and me.

I remember R. coming back in with tears in his eyes saying, "It doesn't look good, Jana." I told him to follow the baby but he couldn't. I remember finally getting back to my room and having some time alone (much needed) while R. updated everyone in the waiting room.

Then unexpectedly, my door opened and Bonnie (nurse) and the flight nurse wheeled in Drew. I remember losing it and trying to get to him. I remember Bonnie giving me my "mommy cloth" to get my scent on to keep with Drew.

I remember finally touching his little hand and being shocked at the ET tube and vent. I told him that I loved him so much and he tried to turn his head toward me but he couldn't quite make it. I remember that he opened his eyes and looked directly into mine. That's when I vowed to protect him with all of my being. (Something which I failed at.) Then they took him away to ride in the helicopter.

I remember R. coming into my room not 2 miniutes later and me telling him that Drew had been there. He was upset that he missed him. I was moved to another room and was in a wheelchair as soon as I could be and had R. wheel me over to Children's so that we could see Drew.

I remember seeing him, so vulnerable, in his bed and starting to sob again. I forced my body out of the chair, pain be damned, and went to him. I remember Bonnie telling us that he was reacting badly to light, sound and touch. That it was best if we limited our touching or did not touch him at all. I remember how hearing that I shouldn't touch my child ripped my heart out and broke it into pieces. I remember seeing the first chest x-ray up on the wall and seeing little to no left lung and a small right lung.

I remember R. telling the grandparents that no one was going to be seeing Drew that day due to his sensitivities. I don't know if it made anyone mad and didn't really care. We were protecting our son, everyone else be damned. (I feel confident in saying there are no hard feelings about this now.)

I remember forgetting the camera every time I went down to see Drew the day he was born so I have no pictures of his first day of life.

I remember being alone in my room and one of the neonatologist residents coming in and explaining to me about chest tubes and PICC lines and that I needed to sign consent forms for them. I did so. I remember not being able to find anything to control my c-section pain due to an allergy that I have. I remember surviving on no sleep and telling R. that he didn't need to stay in the room with me because I couldn't sleep, had to pump and his bed was uncomfortable.

Most of all, the terror is what I remember. Terror throughout Drew's short life but I never felt the fear like I did the day he was born because so much was unknown. I hope that I never feel fear like that again. And I felt overwhelming love for my son, my perfect baby boy.

Happy birthday, my baby. I love you so very much and miss you like crazy.


March 9, 2006

Well, here goes (might upset some)

Before reading further, understand that some of the language and thoughts expressed here may (probably will) upset you. Don't read any farther if you can't handle the cursing or realities of death. You have been warned. And it's possible (ok, probable) that this will be rambling and disjointed because I'm sobbing right now and can't think straight.
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Yeah, this week has sucked. Thursday is Drew's 1 year birthday. I can't help thinking of E.'s 1 year b-day and what she was doing at a year. Drew should be doing that, not lying buried in the ground.

Because let's face it, that's what's happened. His body is in a box under at least 4 feet of earth (only have to bury 4 feet deep in OK, fact courtesy of FIL! I don't know if Drew's 4 or 6 feet down and it doesn't really matter I suppose.) with a slab of granite the only thing marking the placement of his body. You think I don't think of the rate of decay of a body and compare it to Drew?! As my mother has told me many times, I know too much about some things for my own good. I knew too much about the embalming process too. I had a hard time with that at the funeral home. I knew what the markings on the body meant. Just shit that passes through my mind on a near daily basis--I should have a lively healthy son however the decay overtaking his body is what I'm left with. Maybe we should have opted for cremation. That wouldn't have made anything easier though because that's ANOTHER subject that I know too much about. (I've learned in the past year that curiousity is not always a good thing; my knowledge comes from years of curiousity dating back long before Drew.)

Talk about sucking.

I know that I'm not alone in these thoughts, many parents have them about their deceased children. So all of you who have not lost anyone close to you who think that I'm completely insane, no need to worry. I'm only partially insane but at least I'm not alone. It's not something that I go around talking about and I don't like to admit to having these thoughts but there they are. Finally out in the open.

Happy fucking birthday, Drew.

It still feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest and stomping on it, crushing it on a daily basis. The pain has gotten more intense, not lessened.
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Still haven't been able to get him flowers yet. I MUST do it tomorrow. I can already tell you what kind I'll end up getting: blue hydrangea. E. doesn't get to pick them out this time. Those were what we had on his casket and they remind me of him. They were the first flowers that I saw when we walked into the flower shop to order his funeral flowers and I immediately knew they would be used.
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Poor E. knows more about death than most people learn in a lifetime. The death of a pet might drive some kids over the edge. Not E. She matter of factly says, "The fish died. Ruby (horse) died," and go about her business. In her eyes, Drew has pets now. But she GETS it. You talk with her and you'll know that she understands that death is permenant, the heart stops beating for whatever reason, etc. I know I've said it in the past but it pisses me off so much that my 3.5 year old daughter knows this shit. I want to protect her from this stuff and I can't. Death is a big part of her life, moreso than for most kids. Gah, it's just not fair for her either.

She sees Mommy crying a lot and just automatically knows that it's because, "You miss your Baby Drew. You don't have to cry, Mommy." I don't know what I would do without her. She hugs me and kisses my tears away. She's my lifesaver and she makes me laugh and smile on a daily basis. I hope that I'm not doing her a disservice by being so open with her about Drew and how it makes me feel. It's so hard to find a balance but I'm not going to lie to her.
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This last year has also shown me something about myself that I don't like. I have to face the fact that I'm an extremely jealous person. I don't think that I've ever been particularly jealous before now. I had my periods of envy as do most people but not like this.

I would never, ever, ever, ever wish anything bad on anyone. But damnit, I get jealous when others have healthy kids or sick kids who survive their illness. This is not said to make anyone feel badly and I fear that it will. Please don't. I don't know how to explain that I can be so happy for others that their kids are ok and insanely jealous at the same time. Drew was doing so fucking well and within a short period of time, he completely turned around. Why couldn't he have just kept getting better?? That's why I'm jealous.

I also get so bitter at times. People do harmful drugs and stupid shit while pregnant and their kids are ok. Mine wasn't and I gave up just about everything you could give up when PG with him. And he fucking died. People beat the shit out of their kids, kill them, emotionally abuse them, etc. And Drew died.

Yes, any kind of abuse of children has always outraged me but the deep bitterness (no other word for it) that I feel now is something that has developed over the last year. These people do not deserve healthy children and yet they have them. I am passing judgement, something that I consciously try not to do but I don't care in these situations. It's just not right. /end toddler tantrum

So yes, I am an extremely bitter and jealous person thanks to what happened to Drew.
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But along with that bitterness, jealousy and anger comes some good. I'm a much more caring and compassionate person now than I ever was in the past. When I say that I care, I DO. I care with every fiber of my being now, it's not just lip service.

My faith in the inherent goodness of people and society at large has been restored. Well, restored isn't really the right word since I never really felt that way. I was always suspicious and untrusting.

No longer. Ninety-nine percent of those of us are good people. I have never been shown the kindness and compassion in my life as I have this past year. People care and they want to help. People are GOOD. My skepticism is gone.

I have withdrawn over the last year, especially in the last few months. Much of that is because I've just been overwhelmed with the kindness people are showing me. "What have I done to deserve it?" is what I keep asking myself. Combine that with this pregnancy and I have just wanted to be left alone. That's me, that's who I am. I withdraw and run from situations that I'm not comfortable with. I think that I may be getting back on track, though. We'll see.
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Jenn and her family sent us a gift for Carson. They are the Miller family, Audrey's family (CDH survivor). Although she was worried about the timing, it arrived yesterday but was not expected for a while longer, it worked out perfectly in my mind.

They sent a book called The Angel With the Golden Glow: A family's journey through loss & healing by Elissa Al-Chokhachy. The story is so beautiful and inspiring and I sobbed as I read it. (Then tried to talk to my neighbor and started crying. I'm sure they think I'm a nutcase now even though they know about Drew and this week being his b-day. A lot of my self-consciousness has disappeared this year too.)

It is about an angel being sent to a family knowing he wouldn't be there long. He left his best angel friend in Heaven when he went down to earth. After he died, his angel friend finds out that he is being sent to the very same family that angel #1 left. I know I'm not making much sense, here's a passage:

"As The Angel with the Golden Glow finished telling his last story, his friend said, "I missed you so much. Yet our time together in heaven will be short. I have the most amazing news! God has chosen me to be born into the same family. There is still much healin that needs to be done. Just think! We will be earthly brothers as well as heavenly brothers. This is surely the greatest honor of my life!"

It's the perfect book, at the perfect time, for the perfect babies (Drew and Carson). Yes, I like to think of The Angel with the Golden Glow as Drew and The Angel with the Tender Heart as Carson. I truly believe that their souls know one another and that Carson is being sent to us to help in a myriad of ways.

You know that I struggle with how to raise Carson. I don't want him to live in the shadow of Drew, thinking that he's a "replacement" child. It's a very big concern of mine. This book will help me explain things to Carson when he's old enough to understand. I can't describe how touched I am by this caring gift and the message of this book. It's as though it were written specifically for our family. Millers, thank you so much.
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Ok, so E. is begging me to stop crying and lay down with her. How can you resist that offer?! I can't; I sleep horribly when she's not scootched up next to me. So I'll go after I add these sage words from a great (well, prolific anyway) author, depending on your reading habits.

Yes, it's Stephen King. :D I'm reading "Lisey's Story" and came across a line that struck me. Not because of any truth in it, per se, I just don't know why it stuck out to me but here it is:

"There was a lot they didn't tell you about death, she had discovered, and one of the biggies was how long it took the ones you loved most to die in your heart." (p. 332)

Maybe it stuck out because I don't think that your loved ones ever die in your heart but there IS a lot that no one tells you about death. Anyway, I'm off to cuddle with the Bug.

New doctor

I saw my new OB for the first time yesterday. If you'll remember, my OB is leaving OU at the beginning of April so my care has been transferred and I've been very anxious about it. My worries were for nothing--I REALLY like my new doctor. She's very young, probably our age or younger. (All of my doctors have always been at least 15 years older than me.)

She had gone over my chart with my old OB so I didn't have to go into the entire story of Drew. That was a relief to me. It's so difficult to have to explain things over and over. She was prepared and recognized me as a "special" patient. :)

My BP was still great, 100/70, and I'd gained a pound. That surprised me since I was puking all day Saturday. I've had a (self-diagnosed) sinus infection and the drainage was killing me. I carried a bucket around the house with me all weekend. R. and his dad took care of E., which she loved! She's such a little tomboy. I've gained 22 pounds so far this PG but would like to gain some more.

My main concern at this point is a small baby. Elizabeth was small (less than 6 lbs.) and I don't want another peanut. Looks like I might have one though. :( The doctor said that Carson feels small but my uterus is growing right on track (34 cm. at 34 weeks) and unless that changes, there's no real need for concern. Maybe Drew was a freak--I just have little babies. Hey, that should help with my dream of a VBAC anyway! Carson's heartrate was 129. All in all, everything's ok. I go back in 2 weeks then every week until he arrives. No inductions unless absolutely necessary.

Many have questioned my desire for a VBAC. I could have a scheduled c-section and deliver at the hospital that I want to however, that's just not what I want. I want 1 birth to go along as much as possible with what *I* want. I've had both kinds of birth--vaginal and cesearian (sp?) and I'll tell you which one was easier on my body: the vaginal. The only intervention that I had with E. was an epidural but there were some little things that I would do differently knowing what I know now. Drew's birth was so traumatic for me that I want a good one. What's wrong with that? I am fully aware of the less than 1% chance of uterine rupture and an increased risk of repeat c-section after laboring. OU's VBAC rates are in excess of 80% which is darn good.

In a perfect world, I would be at a birthing center without so many medical interventions but I am aware that is not feasible or possible for me. I'm willing to have an IV and an epidural (just in case of a need for a section) to have other things go my way. *I* want control over my body and birth experience, within reason, and I'm going to have it this time. Period. It's fine if another person would choose another route. So far, this PG has been low risk even though I'm considered high risk due to Drew's condition. Major surgery and recovery vs. a natural process. Hmmmm, I'll go natural, thank you very much.

Anyway, that's my reasoning. The most important being the fact that I had no say in ANYTHING at all with Drew's birth. They wouldn't even talk in front of me after he was born and I was on the table. They took R. into the hall. That's not going to happen again. (For the record, R. was being pulled a million different directions at once and he did a GREAT job--truly he did, ask anyone who was at the hospital on March 8, 2006--but I tend to like some kind of control.)

I have more to write but I don't want to right now. I'll try and get around to it tonight. Suffice it to say that it has to do with Drew and his upcoming birthday. This has not been a good week for me. And yes, I'm just talking about me here and being selfish. I worry about others all day in real life and this is where I can worry about only me.

One week to go...

It's now one week until what would be Drew's 1st birthday. I guess it IS still his first b-day, right?

I'm doing better than I thought that I would be. At least for now. I tried to buy him some special flowers the other day but had to basically run out of the store before I burst into tears. So no b-day flowers as of yet. E. asked if we were going to bake him a cake and I guess we probably will.

I'm sad and bitter. First birthdays are a big deal. I hope that wherever Drew is he's looking forward to his special first. If only it could have been here with his family.

Blech, this sucks so bad.